Month: November 2014

The Weight of the Wedding Ring

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Every morning before Rob gets ready for the day he weighs himself. This morning he had started to get ready for the day and had already taken off his wedding ring before remembering he had not weighed himself. He stopped, put on his wedding ring and weighed himself.

I laughed and said it’s just a ring why weigh yourself with it? Robs answer was actually very profound: ” yes I weigh myself with my wedding ring on. It’s a part of who I am.” He went on to say,”clothes can be changed, sometimes I have hair, sometimes I am bald, but this ring defines a part of who I am”. This profound answer then got me to thinking the rest of the day about the weight of the wedding ring.

Every day we get up and decide what to wear? Long sleeves, short sleeves, sweater, no sweater, jeans or shorts the list goes on and on….but the wedding ring…we do not choose whether to wear it based upon our outfit….it becomes a part of who we are or does it?

In today’s society marriage is not taken very seriously. It is entered into lightly if at all and for a majority of people they “try it on” before they actually say “I do”.

Marriage, for Rob and I, has been anything but perfect. Even though giving up would have been “easy”….and matter of fact many people who should be considered “pro-marriage”, thought we would never make it.

I remember like it was yesterday: I was upset and I did not “fight well”. Matter of fact instead wanting to fight these were my words: “Fine”, door slam, “you want a divorce, I’ll give you a divorce”. Then another door slam. Not once did Rob ever say he wanted a divorce, I just did not know what else to say.

That day was a defining day for me and our marriage. Rob’s next words were profound: “Meredith, next time you say those words, you had better pack your bags and keep walking”.

That day was the day I realized my threats were empty BUT I did not know how to express my feelings of hurt, so I would just blurt out words. It was also the day that I realized that WEDDING vows were to become a part of who you are, BUT in a day of dispensable marriages, couples saying “when it gets tough we will just quit” why do we wonder, where’s the traditional marriage vows being lived out…”until death do us part”.

So when your spouse puts the ring on your finger; remember it becomes a part of who you are.

It is not something that you change with the seasons or with the changing of an address….

Sex before Marriage

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I have been thinking about this for a while and I felt the need to blog about it. Sex before Marriage and the stigma that comes with that especially in the realm of Church and Christianity.

I have been to many churches; even been kicked out of a couple… And the theme is: sex before marriage will create an issue in your marriage.

Not growing up in the church, not knowing how to study the Bible for myself; I relied on the church, pastors, and other people. This just added to the guilt and shame of being pregnant before marriage.

I accepted The Lord as my Savior in the late 90’s, but unfortunately even though I was very active in the church I still did not understand the implications of NOT reading and studying the Bible for myself.

From the pulpit we are hearing sermons about freedoms from addictions: sex, drug, alcohol, pornography, but what about the freedom to have a great marriage even though you had sex before marriage……can God forgive that?

I have been on a journey this holiday season to make this WHOLE HOLIDAY Season the best one yet. I have been doing soul searching and have realized that one of the items on my to do list was made very clear and that was to rekindle a love for my husband and our marriage.

Our marriage started on very rocky ground in 1985.

Me not being the Christian.

Rob professing to be the Christian, but not living like it.

Me being pregnant was somehow my fault.

Rob made $3.35/ hour and didn’t always get 40 hours.

To add to my shame and guilt we were on food stamps (when they were paper and you had to count them out), received government subsidized food that we picked up at a Church (peanut butter, cheese, pork and vegetables). Then to top it off the Church paid our bills more than once.

A Pastor even said to his wife “they will never make it” as we drove out their driveway to move back home for awhile.

Our marriage has never been normal or all it “could” by some peoples standards but part of that has to do with shame and guilt continued by marriage seminars and Sunday sermons about how taboo sex before marriage was and that you will not have a good marriage because of that fact. While I do believe sex before marriage is a sin, it is NOT the unforgivable sin and does NOT have to haunt you the rest of your life.

These last few years I have been studying the Bible for myself even writing studies that I wish I would have had when I was trying to figure out life as a new Christian.

Last Christmas was our first Christmas as empty nesters. This now meant it was just Rob and I and this had never been the case. After Christmas I realized that it was time to work even more on me and our marriage.

So this past year has been a year of intentionality of marriage.

Has it been easy? No.

Has it always been fun? NO.

But here are my takeaways
1) Just because things were done in your past does not mean they have to define the rest of your life.
2) I realized that I had become the “codependent” mother I teach about. I had spent the last 29 years taking care of everyone that I needed to, and still am on a journey to find me and not let my excuses become my realities.
3) And the biggie that I have learned just this last week: words hurt but I have 2 choices:                                                                                                                                                                                                                          a) learn from them

b) let them keep you in bondage
I have allowed the later to happen. Words or statements like ” your marriage will never be all that it can be because….you had sex before marriage”.

So if you are one of the many who did NOT wait to have sex before marriage and have had this shame and guilt over you; my prayer is that you will find that God’s forgiveness for sins included you having sex before marriage and that your marriage is what you make it.

And when you ask God to forgive you for your sins and make Him The Lord of your life…. God wipes your sins clean He does forgive you for all…. including sex before marriage but here is the clincher….You need to forgive YOU.

This was what was missing…. I had allowed the words spoken by man to hold more weight than Gods word.

If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. 1 John 1:9

If you need more information about forgiving yourself please email me at meredithsagekendall@gmail.com

Abuse doesn’t always have a black eye

I agreed to meet her.  Not real sure where she had gotten my name.  Based on her application and her past employment, things were not adding up.

imageHow did she get here on my doorstep? Her address is an affluent neighborhood in Williamson County.  She has a degree and yet she now finds her belongings in the backseat of a vehicle and she prays  every night she gets back to Nashville to get a bed for the evening.image

As we meet and I listen to the last 3 decades of her life, I realize we have a silent killer epidemic going on, it’s called “act as if nothing bad is happening and everything is going great”.

 

It’s a masquerade we all like to play so that we don’t need to add anymore shame and guilt on our plate. The problem is though it is killing people and it seems that no one even cares.

You see there are women living in fear every day right here in our own town. But because of shame and guilt they continue living with the controlling, manipulative, abusive spouse.  You start to believe the words that are being spoken by the abuser “no one will ever believe you”; and especially when the person being abused has no black eye or broken bone, there seems to be little help, so they begin to believe the abuser that no one will believe them and help them escape.

So where do they turn: to suicide.  Failed attempts to rid themselves of the pain; they then find themselves institutionalized for an attempted suicide. Now the abuser comes to the “rescue” at the hospital and becomes the “savior”.  Now with more shame and guilt; no one to believe their story they end up back under the same roof as the manipulating, controlling abuser.

Until one day, enough is enough, and she says there has got to be more. She then finds herself living with her belongings in the backseat and praying for a bed every night.

No Shower will EVER be enough

So why are you here?

Why did you not go to the church?

Her answer: the church doors were locked and I did not know how to get in.  I could see people walking around, but no one heard my silent cries for help.

Why did you not knock harder?

Her answer: I didn’t want to be rejected.  I’ve been rejected for so long by people, that I was afraid to be rejected by God.

Church wake up..these buildings are to be a safe place, a place of refuge 7 days a week.

We are  group of hurting people fear of rejection.  Church please don’t reject us also.  Open your doors.  Open your doors and walk with us.  Don’t condemn us, we can do that on our own.  Don’t look at us with those eyes; you know those eyes that tell us we don’t fit in.  We know we don’t, you don’t have to judge us too, we already feel dirty enough. No shower will ever be enough.  The stank, we have created by our choices, you remind us that it will always be there by the way you walk to the other side of the hallway or sidewalk.

We just need someone to hold us and tell us they love us without expecting anything in return.

We need someone to walk with us in relationship that isn’t afraid to get our stink on them.  That stench we smell, that permeates our skin because we’ve  worn it for so long…..

***If you are this person in this story, please know that Jesus, has not and will not reject you. If you are afraid of being rejected but need someone to talk to please reach out.***

Are you a Crown or a Cancer?

March 8, 2014

Today’s blog is just for women:

In Proverbs 12 it says:
A worthy wife is a crown for her husband, but a disgraceful woman is like cancer in his bones

Worthy, worthy of what? What is the definition of worthy? Honorable, valuable.

I think one of the challenges today is that “things”, are so attainable and easily thrown away that relationships start to become “things” also.

We also start looking for our self worth in things and what we have to offer.

There use to be a simpler time when women were admired for their inner beauty not their outer beauty.  There was a time when wearing clothes that covered our bodies and not being out on the streets looking for love was admirable. There was a time when you waited for the guy to come around, and you did not throw yourself at them EVER.  You didn’t go looking for it.  There was a time, actually, when courting, was the norm. There was a time when being a virgin on your wedding night was the norm not the exception.

Why do we think today, that we can’t be like a woman of yesteryear?  Why do we think that by walking the streets, searching the Internet,going to the clubs, posting pictures on websites in clothing that should have been outlawed, that we will get men worthy of us being a “crown”….  Instead of being a crown you will be a jewel he will add to his already filled crown of other women that meant nothing.

Why do we not see ourselves worthy to be a crown?  Why have we let the world of advertising tell us that “unless you are this size” or “doing this in the world”, you are less than?  Why do we think that as soon as the guy says hello we need to jump in bed with them?  Why do we not see ourselves worthy of being that crown to our husband, key word husband….why do we worry that we will miss something if we settle down and start a life with just one man?  Why do we think that our lives will be empty if we become a woman of a time gone by?

What would our relationships look like, what would our children learn if we became the women of yesteryear?

So my question is; are you a crown or a cancer?

And if you are not married, what are your actions teaching your children? And with your actions, are you going to catch the attention of a righteous, God-fearing, man?