My prayer life was much more like a business meeting

“No you can’t go!”

“But they are here to pick me up and you said I could go.”

“So! I changed my mind. You can’t go.”

I knew better than to argue. I would go back to my room and spend my evening alone.

This was a fear I grew up with while living in the same home with my step-father.

I grew up conditioned not to just be on my best behavior, but to manipulate what I needed, so that when I needed something, my guarantee of not just getting a yes but actually being able to go to the “event”, was probable. Now let me explain, because that sounds really bad, but basically if I wanted to do something with friends on a Friday or Saturday night, I knew that I needed to not only be on my best behavior but also to stay “hidden” as much as possible.  I also knew that if I had to have a conversation or be in the same room with “him”, then I needed to be so sweet that there was no way he could hold anything against me.

Here is the problem with that, I took this conditioning not only into my marriage, (which will be a blog/podcast for another time) but I also took it into my relationship with God.  I didn’t realize how bad I was conditioned until the other day, (and yes I mean the other day). I was thinking through a prayer I had and as I was going through a mental checklist that said, “if I do this, then God will give me this response. If I do that, then He’ll really be able to give me this part of the prayer.”

I sat there thinking, going through my mental checklist to make sure I had done and “manipulated” everything in my favor so that there would be no way He could say no.  As I sat there I heard God say, “you do know I don’t work that way, right?

As I have been pondering and thinking through this conversation with God, I realized how much I have made my prayers about what can I get. How can I get it? And what do I need to get it?  Humiliated at the fact that I had reduced God to this earthly idea of a father figure, I found myself praying and asking God to forgive me.

Now understand prayer, for me is a vital part of my daily worship. I journal. I pray. I even pray short little breath prayers throughout the day, but what I hadn’t realized until the other day, is that my prayer life has been very one sided and how can I manipulate my actions to get God through prayer to benefit me.

The other day as I was reading there were 3 examples given for something else but I think it fits perfectly how I have been feeling and man did the lightbulb go on for me. Is your prayer life like going into a business meeting with someone you cannot stand? You are just there because you have to be and to get what you want out of the deal? OUCH!  The second idea was having lunch with a good friend. You share a little but you are still guarded with what and how much you share.  You know you don’t want it out there on the gossip chain encased as a prayer request.

 

And the third was you are in love. You cannot wait to share your day, your life, your everything!

So which one of these describes your prayer life? Are you in a business meeting? Are you having lunch with a good friend? Or are you talking to the person you are in love with and cannot wait to spend time with?

I am a work in progress. I will not be prefect I go home, but while I am here on this earth, I want to make the most of my worship to God, through my prayer time. I want to adore Him, not because of what He can do for me but because of who He is.

 

*** you can also hear this on my podcast 

New Beginnings Podcast

 

Unforgiveness

 

In our 8-week study New Beginnings, we talk about forgiveness right off the bat.  Not only do we talk about forgiving others but we talk about forgiving our self.

When you forgive others, it doesn’t always equate to being friends again. By forgiving others it allows you to move on with your life.  By truly forgiving, you no longer harbor feelings of resentment or wishing ill will.

I started working on the blog/podcast the other day and am finishing it today.  But in the meantime, I had a 6-hour round trip in the car with my husband. During one of our many conversations, I told him that I was still very upset with a situation that happened in July and that I just wished I knew why things had gone awry. I also told my husband that every time this person’s name gets brought up I get sick to my stomach.

Fast forward throughout the day, this person’s name was mentioned a few times in conversations by other people (unbeknownst to them that I was having an issue) and thankfully I was able to contain my emotions.

As I was dozing off to sleep last night, my husband said, as profoundly as he usually does, “Do you really need (that person) to ask for forgiveness or do you need to extend it so that it does not affect you anymore?”

So as I was falling asleep I found myself praying for this person and their family.  I realized that by not extending forgiveness in my own heart that I was allowing satan to steal joy. I was allowing satan to possibly even get a foothold in the kingdom because I was “upset and wanted this person to personally ask me to forgive them.”

What does it matter? In my humanness, I was making it a bigger deal than it was.  In God’s economy I was allowing satan to make change and even prosper.

Forgiveness according to the dictionary means to cease to feel resentment against; to pardon an offense or an offender.

Do you see what it says, to cease to feel resentment against!  This is for you and I.  This is for our well-being.  By not ceasing to feel resentment, I was saying, that I could not forgive.

What if the person you need to forgive is yourself?   Do you find it hard to cease to feel resentment against yourself?

Do you know what happens not only when you don’t forgive others, but you don’t forgive yourself? Satan allows feelings to creep into our lives that reminds us how hurt we were.  What happens when you are hurt? What feeling comes in next? Anger! Maybe just a little annoyance. Maybe we become just a little more curt in our tone than we need to be.  Then before we know it we have hit full blown anger where we are throwing things, slamming doors, cursing, using words to hurt people and unfortunately, those in our paths are innocent people just because we decided we could not cease to feel resentment toward someone or our self.

Also many may not think of this, but if you were hurt as a child, you may have carried these feelings with you into your adolescent years and now you may be directing deep-rooted anger at totally innocent people. You might not realize the true seed from which this anger has grown if from unforgiveness.  These emotional outbursts or angry thoughts and actions are due to feelings that you have not addressed.

It is time to forgive, not only for yourself but for your children. For your well-being. For your marriage. For your relationships.

So what is a practical prayer you can use.

Heavenly Father, I forgive ________(someone or yourself)  I forgive ___________ for:(now write down every past event you need to be forgiven for or forgive someone of) _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I ask that You forgive me.  Father I ask that I would lose sight of the offense, and if I am ever reminded of the offense, that I will dismiss that memory as an old, resolved conflict I no longer want to revisit. Father I ask that I would simply forget the incident and move on with rebuilding healthy relationships as you lead me to do so.  Father, please show me how to love myself the way you do. Father, show me how to turn my offenses into concern for others well-being.  Father, I am moved to forgive myself because I desire to be obedient to you and desire for you to be glorified. Father, I ask that you would forgive me for not forgiving myself before now and remove from my heart any consequences or disease from not forgiving myself in the past. Father I confess that I will need your help to live out this forgiveness and I ask you to give me the strength to live true to the forgiveness.  Father, please bless my life in every way and heal me of any emotional or physical wounds that I have caused from suffering so long.

 

As I end I want to share 2 scriptures with you.

Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you. Ephesians 4:23 (NLT)                    

Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience.  Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others Colossians 3:12-13 (NLT)

May you find joy in today as you forgive your yesterday.

Put on Your Happy Face… we’re headed to church


As she walked down the sidewalk the sounds of vehicles engines permeated the arctic blast that found its way to the South.  Hurrying across the street she contemplated a tall, decaf, peppermint soy mocha, but as she walked up to  the door she second guessed herself.  What would he say? Would he ask why she felt the need to spend $5 on that stupid drink?

The two boys were still sitting outside on the sidewalk trying to get people to say hi or at least smile.  She didn’t feel like smiling. She felt like screaming. Tomorrow was church and she would have put on her happy, everything is ok face.

If you happen to read this before you go to church in the morning…. Watch for this person… They may be 15, 25 or 55….

Romans 12…don’t just pretend to love others…really love them.  

Church is to be a safe place.  Ask God to make you aware of your surroundings and watch for the hurting people that are sitting in the pew next to you. Pray for them and maybe, just maybe through your touch tomorrow they will feel the presence of The Lord.

Ask God to use you.

Update: I wrote this 5 years ago and with the rate of suicide increasing in the church and the pulpit I felt the need to re-share it. Just again this week another Pastor took his life.  Please do more than just pray for people, be a true friend that is present.

Truth be told, all He asked was to Follow Him

For the past 2 weeks I have been fighting with God about a prescription I received almost a year ago. It read, “must have Florida Beach time often over the next year perhaps permanently.”  This prescription was given in response to my doctor telling me I needed to see a pulmonary specialist.  I told him it would have to wait 3 weeks seeing we were heading to Florida for family time and a church planting conference. In which he said the Florida air would do my lungs good.

More Florida Beach time

With prescription in hand, we headed to Florida.

That prescription was a catalyst that God used to get our hearts to be thinking of Florida.  I was under the assumption that once I moved to Florida then my asthma type symptoms would magically disappear. Instead for me and my body, (if you have followed any of my story), I don’t fit the mold. So why would I expect this to be any different?

I have been to a walk-in clinic now 3 times since our move to Florida.  I am on the exact same schedule I have been on since 2017.  Every 45-60 days.

I have made every excuse.

I cheated on my diet.

I was in the cold weather.

I was traveling.

For the past 18 months or so I have told doctors and myself.  “God is going to heal me. I just need to work out a few more things with my past. I just need to quit cheating on my dietary restrictions.”

In November, I was told that if I had one more flare up then I would need to see a specialist. Well today I once again found myself in the walk-in clinic.  The Doctor was not so pleasant.  She let me know without a shadow of a doubt I needed to find a primary care doctor sooner than later and get this under control.

So why this blog?

I had to come to grips that even though the prescription is part of our church planting story and why Cape Coral Florida, God knew I would need something that was of benefit to get my mind around moving 823 miles from my grandchildren and children.

Not being on steroids every 45-60 days and living in an area that is by the ocean and beautiful, was a great incentive and plus at that time we could do our job from anywhere. We were traveling for work 30-40 weeks out of the year anyway and it really didn’t matter where we started from.

By the end of February though, we were being called to plant a church, God even gave us handwriting on the wall, an 18-wheeler appearing out of nowhere as I am driving to the doctor because I am once again having an asthma flare up.

Fast forward to the past couple of months.  Nothing I thought would happen when we got here has come through. Everything I had put in motion to make the transition to Florida not feel so lonely, has fallen through.  And to top it off, I have been in the walk-in clinic 3 times since arriving.

I have silently been dealing with rejection and feeling like I was short changed. I have asked God to heal me. I have praised God for healing me. I have worked through more of my past. I have cried. I have laughed. I have screamed. And recently I have questioned.  Why? Why are you not healing me? I have faith. I believe. Why are you not healing me?

Then God gives me a flock of Ibis’s in the Wal-Mart parking lot.  To remind me He did heal me of my PTSD and there is no way I would have been able to move to a new area and plant a church with the anxiety and PTSD I had lived with for many years.

But God why are you not healing me of my asthma symptoms? Why did you bring me down here under false pretenses?

Then I read a book called Prodigal God by Tim Keller.

In the book was a story that went something like this.

Jesus says to pick up a stone and follow me.  You look around and because Jesus didn’t give you any specifications you pick up a small pebble and put it in your pocket.  A few miles down the road Jesus says to take your stone and place it in front of you.  He turns your “stone” into food.  You get very little because your stone is a pebble, others who were carrying bigger stones had much to eat because the food was commensurate to the size of the “stone.” Jesus now asks you to pick up another stone and follow Him. This time because you saw what He did for lunch you pick up the biggest stone you can find. You struggle and struggle. Finally, you get to a lake and Jesus says, “throw your stone in the lake.”   There is no food or any reward for carrying the big rock.  Jesus sees your frustration and He simple says, “All I asked you to do was follow me.”

As I was reading this sobbing, all God asked was, for me to follow Him. He also reminded me that the prescription came from man not God. God used it, but today I really know the meaning of the Proverbs.

In their hearts humans plan their course,
    but the Lord establishes their steps.
Proverbs 16:9 (NIV)

You can make many plans,
    but the Lord’s purpose will prevail.
Proverbs 19:21 (NLT)

 

Church Planters Cape Coral FL

I know beyond a shadow of a doubt if we had not moved we would have been disobedient.  But I am still human and as I was having a pity-party wondering what I had done wrong and why God had not healed me yet of my asthma symptoms, He reminded me that sometimes healing comes in the form of modern medicine I need to be okay with that and praise God for it.  And that the prescription for more Florida beach time was just a “sign” God used to get me ready for the next chapter our book He is writing with our lives.

To follow our church plant click the link  Restoration Christian Church

Driven By Fear

List making As of 9am September 21, 2018, we had been residents of Cape Coral Florida for all of 19 hours.

I was hurrying us along. I had a list a mile long,

  • Get Driver’s License
  • Get Vehicles tagged
  • Get Permit
  • Get post office box
  • Go to bank x2
  • Go to Lowes
  • Go to Costco
  • Go to Bookstore
  • Go to Sprint
  • Go to Thrift store
  • Get Lunch

Well not really a mile long, but you get the picture.

As you can see it was a hefty list. My excuse is that I am a Type A person. I was ready to hit the list and get it done.

All of a sudden my husband looked at me and made a statement that stopped me in my tracks.

“Your step-father is not going to tell you; you can’t do something on your list.”

This statement has haunted me all day long.

I realized there is a fine line between getting things accomplished in a timely manner, and working yourself though a list because of FEAR.

When I was growing up I learned a pattern of living that said, you can have all the goals, lists, etc in the world; you may be walking out the door and have all the permissions in the world to leave to accomplish your list, and without warning or reason, be told you can’t go anywhere. Just because.

That simple statement has had me in a thought all day.

This was just another aha moment for me.

“What are my motives?”

If you would ask people, they would say I was driven. Today I realized I have been driven, but the underlying factor was fear of being told I could not do it.  So I would hurry up and finish it so “he” could not take it away.

Today I choose to be driven, because I want to be the best of who God called me to be and not in fear that God will change His mind and tell me I can’t do it, just because.

 

 

 

 

photo from Unsplash. inbossmode.com

Should we be looking for the Pink Slime?

I am studying 2 Thessalonians with a group of young women.

In chapter 2 it says: For the secret power of lawlessness is already at work. This is Paul speaking in the 50’s AD.  Here we are in 2018. If Paul was warning the Christians over 1900 years ago to be aware because the secret power of lawlessness was already at work, how much more should we, as Christ followers, be mindful today?

Yet every day the news is filled with fellow human beings fighting each other.

After living in Memphis during the late 80’s early 90’s, we would joke that there had to be a river of pink slime flowing under the city.

(See video from Ghostbusters if you aren’t familiar with the pink slime)

But the longer I live, I am more inclined to think the river is flowing from one end of the country to the next, and is finding every tributary it can, to spread.

This chapter goes on to say that “The coming of the lawless one will be in accordance with how satan works. He will use all sorts of displays of power through signs and wonders that serve the lie, and all the ways that wickedness deceives those who are perishing. They perish because they refused to love the truth and so be saved. For this reason God sends them a powerful delusion so that they will believe the lie and so that all will be condemned who have not believed the truth but have delighted in wickedness.”

As I think about these scriptures, and think about all the negativity that has been created in our society. I am saddened that so many Christians have sat down, tired of running the race according to Gods standards and are embracing the worlds standards.

In Romans 1:28, it says that there will be a time when God will give us over to our depraved, (immoral, evil, wicked, corrupt) mind because we don’t think it is worthwhile to retain the knowledge of God.

If Paul felt it was worth the warning over 1900 years ago, how much more should we heed the warning today.

2 Thessalonians 2:7-12 NIV

For the secret power of lawlessness is already at work; but the one who now holds it back will continue to do so till he is taken out of the way.  And then the lawless one will be revealed, whom the Lord Jesus will overthrow with the breath of his mouth and destroy by the splendor of his coming. The coming of the lawless one will be in accordance with how Satan works. He will use all sorts of displays of power through signs and wonders that serve the lie, and all the ways that wickedness deceives those who are perishing. They perish because they refused to love the truth and so be saved. For this reason God sends them a powerful delusion so that they will believe the lie and so that all will be condemned who have not believed the truth but have delighted in wickedness.

Romans 1:28-32 NIV

Furthermore, just as they did not think it worthwhile to retain the knowledge of God, so God gave them over to a depraved mind, so that they do what ought not to be done.  They have become filled with every kind of wickedness, evil, greed and depravity. They are full of envy, murder, strife, deceit and malice. They are gossips, slanderers, God-haters, insolent, arrogant and boastful; they invent ways of doing evil; they disobey their parents; they have no understanding, no fidelity, no love, no mercy.  Although they know God’s righteous decree that those who do such things deserve death, they not only continue to do these very things but also approve of those who practice them.

 

Glass Frogs

Last night I had a dream and here it is.

It was winter, I know this because the pipes had busted. There was water everywhere, but yet, I followed him around. All I wanted was for “him” to cut my hair. Even though I knew in my heart of hearts, he wasn’t going to cut it.

There was a group in a side room.

They said it was Christian, but it felt different.

I still followed him from room to room in hopes of getting my hair cut.

I didn’t feel threatened or in danger.

Something was off, but it was dark, wet and dreary.  And I didn’t want to leave because I wanted my hair cut.

My socks were wet from all the water that filled the floor. I remember walking into a part of the house, the concrete had sunk. There were people laying on the cold wet ground, fetching frogs. They were clear frogs, I remember distinctly their legs… The little pointy circles as toes and their feet were overly webbed.

Then he touched my breast. I ran away.

Then I woke up.

It didn’t make sense while it was going on, but as I journaled a few things came to the surface. I felt compelled to share it, and maybe it’ll be helpful to someone else.

I woke up remembering this vivid dream.. I also remember it was in color. The frogs were clear but greenish and reddish. The guy was wearing a red shirt and black pants.

I got out my pen and started journaling, asking God to speak to me. I have found that when a dream bothers me or is that vivid, that God has a message for me. Here is what I found flowing as I allowed the Spirit the freedom to speak.

  • I really need to run away at the first sign of discerning red flags but I wait, until something goes bad, then I have to flee.
  • Lord it wasn’t anyone’s fault. I was vulnerable and had a hole in my heart that wanted to affirmed and filled.

Then I found myself praying

  • Lord fill my hole in my heart with even more of your love.
  • Allow me to walk away and not put myself into situations.

As I talked the dream through with my husband, I realized how many times I still do this with work and relationships.

There are red flags.

I should run away, but I think for whatever reason they are the only ones who can “cut my hair”.

Hopefully you have realized that “cutting my hair” is a metaphor for, in my case, love, attention, getting to the next level in work, whatever “it” may be.

But the frogs, why the frogs?

I googled the frogs that were in my dream. And here is a picture of the frog I dreamt of.  It is called a glass frog.

This got me to start thinking.

Glass! Fragile! Handle with care.

And then I remembered hearing that FROG stood for Forever Relying On God.

As I grow in my relationship with the Lord, I find myself in awe at how many times I still allow myself to be pulled into the lure of what others, I think, can offer me.

People will fail us. We will fail people.

God has given me a gift of a discerning spirit, but even as important, God gave me a life partner in my husband who has the ultimate gift of discernment, and I really need to start listening more instead of allowing my flesh to lead.

This is a Prison of my Own Doing

I bought the lie this meme states: there is no healing from emotional abuse.

I’ve actually allowed this lie to dictate most of my life. The problem with living this lie, is that it creates more lies and infiltrates even more of your life, including your health.

There CAN BE healing from emotional abuse, but just like overcoming an addiction, it’s a choice.

The challenge, though, is you will have to break free from the bondage this emotional abuse has created and you have endured.

Is it easy? No

Is it possible? Yes

But you have to do some very hard work.

Another challenge is realizing that many times we like living in our own prison of our own doing. What do I mean?

The abuse is no longer there, but we act like it’s an ongoing thing. We have to change our mindset. We have to be willing to walk out of the prison into the free world. We have to be willing to say, no more does this define me or define my tomorrow.

We also have to learn that just because someone says something with a certain tone or uses a certain phrase, and it triggers a response from a time when the abuse happened, it isn’t necessarily emotional abuse, nor intended to be abusive, it just is just something that happened.

Are these real responses and do they need to be dealt with? Yes, but as you are healing you have a choice! I have a choice!

The problem is we have bought the lie that we don’t have a choice and there is no healing from emotional abuse.

Puking up prayers

Monday night everything was going along just fine.  I had made dinner for Rob and me.

We sat in our chairs in the living room eating, talking about our day and what the week looked like.

When we were finished, I took the dishes to the kitchen.  Put away the leftovers. Cleaned up the kitchen. Then returned to my chair to continue in our nightly routine.

By 8pm my stomach was turning and dinner was not setting well with me.  I explained to Rob that I wasn’t feeling well and I was going to go lay down.

As I was lying in bed, holding my stomach. At this point I was wishing I was in labor, because then at least there would be a great reward at the end, but no, my stomach was churning and churning with no end in sight.  I cried out for Rob to get me the heating pad.  His response was one for the textbooks, “This won’t end well.”

I did not care, the heat felt marvelous.

“Hey Rob can you get me a bucket, just in case?”

As I laid there in the most excruciating pain I had had in a VERY VERY long time, I found myself praying.  No scratch that, begging and pleading to God to allow me to throw up, then at least I would feel better.

My stomach would churn some more and with every pain, I would cry out in desperation to God to allow me to just throw up.

By 9pm my prayer was answered and I will spare you the gory details of my next few hours.

After I was back from the dead, I was scrolling on Facebook and I came upon a post that caught my attention. John-Pat Fuller said

Word #1 DESPERATE

Then he went on to ask

HOW DESPERATE AM I?

ENOUGH TO REALLY PRAY?

 

These two questions have troubled and taunted me all week.  You see on Monday night I was so desperate, that I was crying out so desperately for God to intervene. He did and I was ever so grateful.  But why do I not pray daily, in desperation for God to answer?
Only I can answer that and I have been personally working on how I pray.

Here is the rest of John-Pat’s post:

What can actually be accomplished of spiritual value without prayer?
Is it possible that I have been trying to live my life still too much in my own strength?
Am I DESPERATE enough to want the Holy Spirit to teach me how to live out all of God’s commandments?
Do I Hunger and thirst for righteousness, or do I just hunger to have the desires of my flesh fulfilled?
Just how DESPERATE am I for an intimate relationship with God, to know His will and His way, and to walk in the Spirit?
Have I faced up to this truth, that only my amount of DESPERATION will determine the amount of His blessing on my life?
How do you answer the above questions?
Are you DESPERATE for His presence in a new and living way in your life?

 

My prayer is that we will become a people that will desperately seek His face.

Seek His truth.

Seek His answers for our lives. 

3 things you need to know to be successful

I asked my dad a few months ago to teach me how to be successful. In reality that was not the question I intended to ask but that is how I framed it.  His answer was quite provoking to the point I have thought, prayed, and journaled quite a bit about it for many months.

His answer was “I can’t teach you to be successful. ”

I was actually quite offended by his answer because he is very successful in business.

“Why can’t you?” is what I wanted to ask as a follow-up question but instead God had me dwell on those words to make me realize “my dad was right”. 

He CANNOT teach me nor anyone else how to be successful.  To be successful in anything starts with a paradigm shift

First, you have to want to change.

Second, you have to see that you are worthy of being or doing something different.

Third, you have to put in the hard work

Turning your life around is not only hard but it is scary.

Why is it scary?

Because change requires effort.

Change also requires responsibility.

The other day I saw a status on Facebook and it was saying that this person was upset because they found out that their life was going to change and the very next thing was “I did not sign up for this.” Let’s just say, you play with fire you will get burned. Maybe not the first time but negative behaviors will result in bad consequences.

So change requires effort.  It requires responsibility, but change also requires that you are no longer the victim in the equation.

When I teach, I tell people that as long as they have breath in their lungs and they are NOT a complete invalid, where someone else is required to care for them 24/7, then they can change.

But there is a challenge when you have never done life without an addiction. An addiction is anything that keeps you enslaved to something or a behavior. Or maybe you have never done life without having a relationship, even when it is toxic (poisonous up to death) and dysfunctional (not operating as it should).

So if you want to have a different tomorrow, it starts today with a choice and tomorrow with the follow through.

It’s your choice

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