The “UN” of Forgiveness that can hold you Hostage

Forgiveness is a funny thing.

Did you know that anger’s root cause is from Unforgiveness. I know this because I teach on it every day through The 180 Program.

A few years ago, and yes I just said a few years ago, I was in a meeting with a local pastor and a youth pastor. It was soon after my attack and I was dealing with PTSD and anxiety but at that time did not know how to differentiate the actual attack PTSD/ anxiety and the anxiety I started feeling in this meeting as I was being “challenged”.

I walked out of that meeting and vowed never to return. I would be cordial but I would not go out of my way to enter that building again as long as my life depended on it.

Today, in a state far from home at a conference far from home, that Pastor was teaching a workshop.

My body clenched and I was getting physically sick, but I heard God say…”you are to go to that workshop.”

Being obedient, I started walking in the direction of the classroom, without the security of my amazing husband, as he felt called to go to a different workshop.

I was one of the first to arrive and took a seat. Not to close and not too far back.

As the Pastor got up to speak, I felt my anxiety start to rise. I quietly prayed for God to intercede and allow me to listen and learn from this man of God.

As satan always does, “Did God really say that?”

You see God was telling me as I was praying, that I needed to approach this man and tell him the offense and ask for forgiveness for holding a grudge.

As the meeting was ending, I was calm in my spirit and I knew I needed to take my chance and talk with him. My prayer at this time was to keep my emotions at bay, and not let the crying start.

Well God did not answer that prayer, as I started to talk so did the tears. It was very simple: You know you hurt me that day. But more importantly I need to ask you to forgive me for harboring all these ill feelings.

He gave me a hug and asked for forgiveness also.

I walked out of that room feeling 100 lbs lighter than I have in years, but a something bigger was satan no longer had that control in my life.

Will we become buddy/buddy? Only the Lord knows. But satan no longer has that hold on my life where I don’t feel I can NEVER walk into that church again.

She’s just a little girl

As the door slammed shut, you could hear the whimpers of the little girl she left behind.

The argument escalated very quickly to a yelling match by the older of the two. There was a harshness that was being displayed through not only her words but also her actions towards the younger.

As the little girl wiped the tears, anyone who was watching could see a broken little girl who just wanted to be affirmed that she was doing at least one thing right. Her heart longed for love and gratefully there was someone else there to heal her wounds.

[ctt template=”8″ link=”m50Ht” via=”no” ]This once innocent little girl that was just looking to be loved… is now being groomed and loved by the wrong group. #parenting [/ctt]

Fast forward a few years. This once innocent little girl that was just looking to be loved, is now being groomed and loved by the wrong group.

The WORLD.

Men.

Alcohol

Drugs

Sex

Fast forward a few more years. This once innocent little girl is now sitting before me in class asking how did I get here.

You may think as a parent this will never happen to my child.

As a person who sees this every day in my line of work and more importantly as a parent who wishes she could go back and redo my children’s childhood, I know how quickly the WORLD can step in with a false love.

Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me. I taught my children just as many of you probably did, to recite that saying when others were attempting to use words to hurt them; but parent what about you? What about the words you use?

Choose today to change you the parent… then the child will change also.

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Sometimes you just need to GIVE-UP and QUIT

For Christmas I was given the opportunity to own a pair of “Designed by me” Oakley Sunglasses. I was so excited. I designed them to be maize and blue… just like my favorite football team, U of M.

I love how they look and now I would own a pair absolutely free, or were they?

You see, I have to wear glasses full- time. I need them for distance and I need them to read close up, so this is where the dilemma started.

How hard can it be to wear contacts?

My husband was encouraging but also said things like “how are you going to put in a contact? You can’t even put drops in your eyes.”

I was determined. I called and made an appointment for 2 hours later.

I am excited but also nervous.

I get through the appointment and the Doctor is saying things like “we will try, this first. If this does not work then we will try another route.” Basically he was saying because I have astigmatism in one eye and I wear bifocals, and I need glasses for distance, that we would be in a trial and error stage.

I sit down and watch the cartoon video on the do’s and don’ts of contact wearing and care.

The video finishes, I wash my hands and now the fun begins. I need to put in and take out my new contacts.

It takes a while, I get frustrated go figure… I am the one who cooks on HI so that it’ll get done faster, forgetting the fact it also burns and does not cook evenly. I breathe, pray, and finally the contacts are in.

The doctor looks at them, I can see at about 8 feet away, in a small confined room and I can see up close, not great, but I can see. I keep telling myself that I just need to get used to them.

I leave the office, walk out to the car and we start driving… oh this is not good, everything is blurry. I just need to get used to them, I keep telling myself.

Friday is a snowstorm so we are in all day, and Saturday I have to sit for a couple of hours through a training. I am so excited, I get to wear my new sunglasses. Wait a minute, I can’t read the street signs. Whats going on? I get to the training and I can’t read the HUGE powerpoint screen… I am talking a screen that you see in a Mission Control room, oh wait, it was in a state of the art command center, and I can’t read the powerpoint. I’ll spare you the details of trying to take them out (it took like 15 minutes).

Monday, comes and I call the doctor they can see me at 2pm.

“Ok, so that is not going to work”, he says. Lets try these. I put them in and take them right back out. NOPE.

“Ok so lets try this brand and now your left eye is for up close and your right eye is for distance.”

I said, you think my brain is going to like this?

The doctor said, people do it all the time.

OK, I was saying in my head, you are the doctor.

All the way home I had one hand partially over my right eye, just so I didn’t get sick trying to drive. I was willing to try this for 48 hours and see if my brain would rewire my eyes so that it would work, because the last resort were contacts for distance only and keep readers with me at all times.

About 5pm, I decided to take out my contacts. NOPE, not happening. I tried. I cried. I prayed. I made a pact with God. I was so desperate, that I had my husband even try to get the contacts out.

At 6:30, my husband and I were driving to the doctor’s office to get my contacts out of my eyes.

This morning as I was getting ready, I started dreading, not the putting in my contacts, but tonight the taking them out.

As I started to get my contacts out of their case, I heard God saying “you said, if I got them out, you would not put them back in.”

I immediately started thinking that I was a failure if I did not put those contacts in and that I let them win.

My word this year is “OVERCOMER” and I felt that if I gave up I was not overcoming.

I realized though, that I was being held hostage by a lie.

The lie was that if I quit, I was a quitter, I was a loser. I would some how be less than.

No, I needed to realize what truth was.

For me why would I continue to put contacts in my eyes, just so I could wear a really cool pair of sunglasses? The contacts, in reality were doing more to frustrate me, they were causing me headaches and according to the Doctor my prescription would never be exactly correct?

So my aha moment came over a pair of sunglasses, and contacts; what is it that you need to walk away from because it’s not healthy but because you are afraid of being labeled a quitter, a loser or thinking you will be thought less than; you continue with that unhealthy choice?

It starts with a THOUGHT

We have entered week 2 of the New Year and most people have either already given up on or at least cheated on their New Years Resolution /Goal.

If you are one of those people, I want you to ask yourself why?

I know my why? Because the Blue Cheese on the Black and Blue Burger just looked too good.

My thought pattern was this: “I’ll remove most of it. It will only be a little on each bite.”

By the time I was done, just like the nurse who was sitting across from me said… “if you are allergic, you will have a response within 15 minutes,” I was coughing.

Right then and there, I decided for me that I have a new expectation for 2017. I want to see how long I can go without a breathing treatment for my reactive airway. It is something I can control with diet, but I have to be willing to follow through, and I am allergic to dairy, but not like a peanut allergy, so I have always felt I could cheat. (See prior blogs: I didn’t cheat that much part one and part two )

I believe if more people would stop talking about New Years Resolutions and Goals and start asking this question: What is my new expectation for myself when it comes to: _________________________________________________, we would actually accomplish things through out the year.

When I teach on goals we talk about the book Good to Great by Jim Collins. In this book he uses the metaphor of a bus and having the right people on the bus in the right seats. Well for our analogy, we first say you need to slam on the brakes, open the door and throw off anyone and everyone who is not helping you to become the best person you can become.

You know those are the people who are belittling you, talking about you behind your back, always making excuses for themselves and you. There is also another group of people that you need to throw off your bus, they are those who can’t even see themselves becoming successful. If they can’t see themselves as successful, how are they going to help you become successful?

Now that you have thrown everyone off… pull up to the next stop and let on only a couple of people. Here is a mistake that people make; You do NOT need 15 people talking to you. You need to pick a few people that see in you what you want to accomplish and ask them to hold you accountable.

Here is the next hurdle you have to jump over: YOU!!!!

You need to be willing to hear the hard words of someone who can see the end result you have laid out in a vision, when they tell you to slow down, turn left, go straight or STOP!

This commercial is from GE that Ideas are scary. As I watched this video, I quickly saw it as a learning tool for people who don’t have the right people in their lives, equipping and empowering them to succeed.

Take time to watch this video and ask yourself who is it in my life that I still need to throw off my bus? What new expectation (IDEA) do I have that I want to go after, even though it is scary?

Who are the right people to be on my bus that will EQUIP and EMPOWER me to go after my new expectation, my IDEA?

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Craigslist: Father for sale

Supposedly this ad was on Craigslist, which made its way to Facebook. As I read this ad, I did the little nervous giggle, you know the one that says, “oh, I can’t believe they said that.” I then felt compelled to write this blog because in reality these are the very children that your children play with every day, or even played with years ago. You may even be friends with the family and it won’t be until years later when some big event happens that you will say: “I would have never known.” or “Where was I, I thought we were friends?”

We cannot turn back the hands on the clock to magically start over when we were born. Nor can we start over yesterday. But what we can do, is decide tomorrow how we will live.

Now that the venom has been spewed, I am not sure that this person feels much better today, because the challenge is that even though we wrote out our anger, we are still US and the events of our past, including words spoken over us, will affect our tomorrow.

We have a choice though, will your tomorrow, have positive or negative actions?

I am sorry this is how this father is. That is his temperament, that is his choice. Unfortunately though this is probably one of those ads where many will say “oh, I didn’t know your dad and mine were related.”

We have a choice though, will we allow him and his actions to affect us and the rest of our lives? The answer usually is YES, becuase we never see that there is another way. We say we will never grow up to be just like so and so, but the reality is we end up becoming just like so and so.

To the person who wrote this ad or to the person who would like to have written this ad, you have to understand that yes all that has been said, all the letdowns, all the sorry’s that were never said or that were said and not meant, are a part of your life.

They happened and we cannot change that. But tomorrow is a new day, you have a choice: do you allow all this to dictate the REST of your life in a positive or a negative fashion.

More times than not, we allow all of this to accumulate and we are a freight-train that has lost control but we just don’t know it yet. That is a cycle called letting life happen. This cycle gets it start when we continue to hear words like “You’re not good enough”. “You’ll never be pretty enough or skinny enough.” “You are going to be just like so and so.” “You’re a good for nothing, $%&ch.”

Whatever those words are or sayings are that you hear or heard, they become part of you. They unfortunately become part of your expectation in life. Then it goes down hill real fast when you couple that with low self-esteem, and if you are a female, then you can find yourself in relationships that are toxic or dysfunctional in themselves.

We have bought the lie that sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never harm me.

Words impact us much longer than a broken arm or leg. Words are associated with times a day, years or even seasons. We can be many miles away or the person may have even passed on, but that word… that smell… that vehicle…. that mannerism…. can all trigger in our subconscious a memory and before we know it… we are angry…. we are hurt…. we are in that event that caused us so much pain. All those nasty emotions that you thought you had forgotten, come back up with a vengeance. You lash out at whoever is nearby.

So how do we change this and how do we make life happen for us? First thing is to forgive.

Forgiveness is to cease to have resentment against. To pardon an offense or an offender.

I am not saying you have to become best buds and start hanging out. What I am saying though, is that this forgiveness is more about you, the person becoming whole and allowing yourself the freedom to be free from all the expectations that this person had placed on you by the words they spoke to and over you.

If you are ready to try the forgiveness thing, here is a conversation that needs to be had by you to God.

God, I am so tired of these feelings. I am so tired of feeling like this. Daddy, please I ask that you will allow me to lay this person and (name all the offenses) at Your feet. I am so tired of carrying around this aggression. I want to be freed from the bondage that this person (name here) still has over me. Daddy, free me today from this anger. May I forgive (name of person) and if I ever start to think about this event again or these offenses, may I be reminded that You Daddy love me so and You gave me (insert whatever place, thing like a butterfly, a deer, a bunny… etc, that you see that God has used to remind you that He loves you more) to remind me that You are so much bigger than (this offense) and that I will live today basking in Your love instead of the dread of the burden.

Now redo that prayer and put your name in there as the person to forgive. You need to forgive yourself in order to start healing from your past.

Now that you have worked through that, and it may take you multiple times of working through that, now is the time to ask yourself:

What do I want for me?

Who do I want to be?

What expectation do I want to live up to?

After you have asked those questions to yourself for yourself… what ACTION steps do you need to take?

1)____________________________________________

2)____________________________________________

3)____________________________________________

Now that you have your action steps what EVENTS do you see happening from those ACTIONS?

To the one who wrote that ad for real or to the one who just wrote it in your head, are you still living by those expectations that were laid out for you by an authority figure? The expectations that created an angry person who doesn’t know who she or he is anymore because they have fallen into the trap of “this is all my life has to offer, so why try?”

Don’t allow satan to keep you there. You are worth so much more…. believe me, I know… because I could have written that ad years ago, from a very angry teenager.

How do you see yourself today?

I have been teaching about life transformation for the past 14 years. I have taught in Jails, Prisons, Halfway houses, Crisis Pregnancy Centers, Low income neighborhoods, and homeless shelters. Every time I teach, I learn something new about myself, which in itself is funny, because I wrote the curriculum I teach.

A question in week 2 of the foundational piece, called New Beginnings, is “In all honesty, how do you see yourself today”.

As a teacher you can usually ask the question and never think about it yourself. That is until God asks you to answer that question.

Last year, after reading the book One Word, my word was “worthy”.

As we are ending 2016 and starting 2017 I want to share my experience into finding myself “worthy” and how God would not let me rest until I worked through the demons of my past.

In every week of the foundational piece of the 180 Curriculum, we have goal sheets. These goal sheets look like this

Basically, you have a goal that you want to reach. Then you break it down into bite size pieces, so that you can first celebrate the small accomplishments. Second stay on track. Third, if that goal is going to take longer, you move it to the following week and make more bite sized goals from it.

The reason I came up with this format was because my father started working with computers, when computers only operated when you used a flow chart to get to the end result. To me, it was like the ‘Aha’ moment, “I can reach my goals, if I just break them down.”

After teaching this for all these years, I realized that I sabotaged my goals and here is why. It was a learned behavior. Let me explain.

Growing up I wanted to tryout for basketball. I was so excited. I practiced and the day was finally here. I was ready to stay after school when the call came in, it was from my step-father. “You had better not stay after,” I was told, “you will not like the consequences.”

A couple of years later, I was so excited. I was going to try out to be a majorette in the high school marching band. I had my routine all prepared and I was so excited to stay after and try out when… the phone call came in. “You had better not stay after,” I was told, “you will not like the consequences.”

If you take these two major events in my life and couple it with the dysfunction that was going on in the home, I was being told that I would never amount to anything. I was also told that no one would ever want to hear what I had to say, this was priming me for sabotaging my goals and success.

Even though I left that home and started my own family, those words were a part of my psyche.

Even into my marriage, there was a certain man who would jokingly talk about how I could have done better than my husband. Adding even more to the insecurity of my worthiness. Unfortunately this person was someone that I saw a lot, and was respected in his position of authority in the Church.

Then came another man of authority who through his lack of words to me and more by his actions, stated that I should not start a non-profit, that it wouldn’t succeed, and that my husband needed to go back to work and support his family.

It was not until 2016, as I started this journey on my one word “worthy” that I realized how unworthy I really felt, especially when it came to men in authority, especially those in Church authority and that were respected by many, but when it came to how I was treated by them, they added to my feeling of being unworthy.

I am so excited to say that as I have worked through my demons, I have called meetings with men in authority this past quarter and have walked out of those meetings feeling like I do matter and I do have a voice.

God has given me an ability to be an advocate. To be a woman of God, who will push forth His agenda on teaching transformational living and leadership.

Now, we enter 2017… and my new word is “Overcomer”, and I can’t wait to see what God does with that.

I didn’t cheat that much Part 2

This is how part 1 ended:

This was a conscious choice that I made to cheat on my food allergy diet, it not a medical condition like asthma. It is 100% a choice of living in denial, that my excuse, “I can cheat just a little, because it doesn’t affect anyone but me.”

Because of my conscious choice of “cheating”, it affected me by being sick even thinking I may not make it through the night.

But it also affected my husband because he took care of me. It also affected our budget. We do not have $500 of indispensable income. It also affected my daughter because today, she wanted me to go shopping with her. It also affected an out of town visitor and her children, because we were not able to see them again while they were visiting and I had promised her son I would cook and bake with him.

I know that there will be things that I accidently eat (ie while traveling and not getting all the ingredients in the spices or sauces).

But today, I choose not to cheat on purpose.

Today I still have to live with the consequences of cheating since Thanksgiving.

Just today I have spent $270. Earlier this week I spent almost $100 on a chiropractic appointment and vitamins. A week and half ago we spent over $100 on other “Natural products”.

So this “choice to cheat” cost almost $500 out of pocket expense…just because I said “it’s not that bad. I didn’t cheat that much and it will only affect me.”

I am the co-author of a program called The 180 Program. In the foundational piece called New Beginnings week 4 is on Excuses. In this week we look at all the people that you make excuses for and all the people that make excuses for you. We also look at a cycle of what happens when we allow others and ourselves to stay in that cycle of excuse making also known as living in denial.

As we enter 2017, I have a serious question:

Are you ready to get off the cycle of insanity? You have to do it for you! If you do it for anyone else, it will not become a new behavior you are invested in for you and only you.

Are you ready to say NO MORE EXCUSES?

Feel free to download the sample week 4 and do the work. I would love to hear your feedback.

I didn’t cheat that much

In 2011, I woke up and couldn’t walk without excruciating pain radiating through my body. I called my chiropractor and asked if he could get me in because I needed to be “fixed”, so I could enjoy my weekend with all my sister-in-laws in Texas in just a few short days. He said “Yes, can you come right away?”

“I can come as soon as my morning commitments are over, will that be ok?” I was catering a luncheon for one of our local schools.

I hobbled in and he told me to lay on the table. He went through the normal reflexology items and did a few adjustments.

“Meredith, your back was a little out of alignment. But, I really want to check your nutrition.”

I responded with, “thanks, but there is nothing wrong with my nutrition.”

I left and finished my day, which included a run to Sonic for a Route 44 Cherry Limeade. Dinner included a pasta dish, with extra cheese, bread sticks, and a large Coke with a few refills.

I woke up the next morning feeling worse than the day before, but I still made a run to Sonic for breakfast, (Sausage, Egg and Cheese croissant, with hash browns and a Route 44 Cherry Limeade) becuase I was running late for the 2nd day of luncheon catering, this time for another school.

By the time the food was out, I was in so much pain that my friend kept telling me to leave and go get myself looked at.

I took her advice and called my chiropractor and jokingly said “you have 30 minutes to fix me, I need to get on a plane to Texas.”

After doing a few tests, he left the room and when he came back he said “Meredith, have you ever considered a total water fast for the rest of your life?” Within the hour, I was walking out of the chiropractor’s office wanting to cry.

I left that day, knowing that my body did not like food. And that if I wanted to start walking without pain, then I would have to make some changes.

Over the next month or so, I stopped crying every time I went to the grocery store; I only cried when I wanted to find something new to eat.

My final diagnosis, NO MORE:

GLUTEN
CORN (or any byproduct ie High Fructose CORN syrup or CORN syrup, Corn flour, etc… you get the point)
DAIRY
EGG whites
and PEANUTS (or anything made with Peanuts)

Over the years I had learned that I could cheat, or at least I thought so, except for Peanuts. My Peanut allergy is not bad enough that I need an epipen, but I do carry Benadryl and I stay away from Peanuts and anything cooked in peanut oil.

At the end of last year, I was tired of following my diet. How bad could it be? So what if I get a Migraine from the Corn syrup, the Gluten, is not that bad.. just a feeling that my hands are swollen when I wake up.

There it was, a Krispy Kreme Glazed Cream filled donut… how bad can it be? Within a minute, the headache came on, no biggie… I am used to that symptom. A small migraine was my common side-effect if I happen to not see there was corn syrup in something. Then I started tripping and I was dizzy. This went on for the entire day. I even tripped trying to get out of my van that night, 8 hours later.

NO, it can’t be a symptom…. oh yes it can…. a side-effect of a Gluten intolerance.

That was scary. I learned my lesson. No more Krispy Kreme or any food item filled with that much gluten and corn for me. I started to really watch my gluten and corn intake.

So why this post as we enter 2017… this year I have been sicker than I want to admit. It started in February, then in June, September and now today.

In February, I know what started the Bronchitis like symptoms, I got a head cold/flu.

But in June, I made excuses because I did not want to think that my dairy allergy could be the culprit.

September, I still had a rattle, but I said “Oh, I had a little ranch dressing, I’ll be fine”.

But these past weeks… My excuses included:

Oh, I’ll be fine.

It definitely could not be a dairy allergy.

I have been doing so well.

Come on what do you want? It has been Thanksgiving and Christmas.

[ctt template=”8″ link=”61d0C” via=”yes” ]I didn’t cheat that much. #foodallergies #glutenfree #dairyfree @duffy66[/ctt]

I go get all the Natural Products I can. Teas, Vitamins, etc… but last night as I laid on the couch trying to sleep, praying that God would allow me to get to the doctors office… praying my doctor would actually be open, the day after Christmas.

With every breath, less and less was getting into my lungs.

I got up every 4 hours and made a Breathe Easy tea. The warmth of the coffee cup on my chest, seemed to open up my airways so I could breathe. Finally, 8am rolled around, my doctor will not be in till tomorrow. The Vanderbilt walk-in clinic is open. I get ready and my husband drives me over there.

Just sign-in and we will call you up.

A few minutes later, my name was called. Ma’am you do understand there is about a 55 minute wait. I nodded in between coughs gave her all the information and then went and sat down.

After sitting a waiting, my name was finally called. The Nurse Practitioner came in a few minutes later and started to put the stethoscope up to my chest and said

“wow, you get the prize for being the weaziest. I am going to give you a steroid shot and a steroid pack. You will also have a breathing treatment and go home with an inhaler and cough medicine and cough pills.”

The Nurse Practitioner, was talking about a reactive airway. Something triggers the inflammation and before you know it… you are here. But what could be your trigger? My amazing husband kept saying “can a dairy allergy cause it?” To which I kept saying “I have cheated that much.”.

The entire time I kept lying to myself by saying, ” I didn’t cheat that much.” God kept gently reminding me of how much I did cheat since Thanksgiving.

I started reading up on reactive airways and dairy allergies. As I kept reading, I found out how quickly bronchial airways can become inflamed and death can be the result.

Death… or a Choice to Cheat? For me it could have the same outcome.

I have been saying for the past 5 years, “mine (food allergies) aren’t that bad and I can cheat a little. Well after these past few days and more so, last night wondering if I would wake up, I have a major choice to make.”

You see, it is still a choice. I have been living in denial that my dairy allergy is NOT THAT BAD… so I would cheat.

We live in a First world country and I can get to the doctor for a breathing treatment to open back up my airways.

Right?

Wrong?

Why do I want to put my body through this?

Because of my conscious choice of “cheating”, it affected me by being sick even thinking I may not make it through the night.

I know that there will be things that I accidently eat (ie while traveling and not getting all the ingredients in the spices or sauces).

But today, I choose not to cheat on purpose.

Today I still have to live with the consequences of cheating since Thanksgiving.

Just today I have spent $270. Earlier this week I spent almost $100 on a chiropractic appointment and vitamins. A week and half ago we spent over $100 on other “Natural products”.

So this “choice to cheat” cost almost $500 out of pocket expense…just because I said “it’s not that bad. I didn’t cheat that much and it will only affect me.”

Be Thankful for your Pillow

A pillow is an object to lay your head on while sleeping. It may be used to prop ourselves up so we can read a book or watch TV while in bed.

I know I take having a pillow for granted, but I have also come to realize that my pillow has become a source of comfort.

With the ministry, we travel. We just finished back to back conferences and are getting ready to travel again and I at least know that at the end of the day, as I lay down my head, I will have a comfort of my own home…my pillow.

How many times have you seen a toddler with a tiny little pillow along with their blankie? They may take it to daycare or they may take it to Grandma’s house for the weekend, but it’s just a pillow right?

Wrong.

I have been teaching at our local women’s shelter and God shown me many things.

I have come to know many women who are not addicted to drugs or alcohol, but find themselves homeless. As I have heard their stories, I have realized that some were caught up in a cycle of dependency upon the government and for whatever reason they were never taught that the government system wasn’t the best answer. I also met women who had low self-esteem and self-confidence for various reasons and therefore followed the crowd. By following the crowd many of them ended up in relationships that were full of co-dependency and dysfunction.

As I have had the privilege of working with these women, I have also realized that when you are homeless, people come out to rescue you. While some of the services are necessary, the way they are provided do not empower or equip the homeless to become self-sufficient. Sadly, these actions can add to their low self-esteem that says: “I am not good enough.”

Then many come into the shelter at Christmas, thinking the homeless children need new toys. [ctt template=”12″ link=”506us” via=”no” ]Have you ever wondered what happens to the thousands of dollars’ worth of toys the homeless kids receive?[/ctt]

Did you know all their belongings need to fit in a locker not much bigger than the size of a high school locker? If this was me as a parent, I am pretty sure I would want the room in the locker reserved for clothing and essentials to life.

So why did I write this blog? And why did I start with a story of a pillow?

I hoped to share some of the realities facing someone who is homeless and would really like a hand up and not a hand out.

But a hand up isn’t easy. It requires working within systems that are already in place, even if you may not agree with the rules or policies. Case in point…a pillow. The security of a pillow. A soft, plush 1ft x 2ft bed of foam or feathers, where you lay your weary head at night. This is not a luxury afforded you when you live in some shelters. Pillows are not provided due to sanitary policies.

So here is my question, will you join me in equipping and empowering men and women living in shelters, transitional centers, jails/prisons, etc.? Will you invest the time and energy needed to help them become everything God created them to be? Will you help equip and empower them to see and fulfill their God given purpose? Will you help by giving them dignity and value?

For more information on how to provide services that can create sustainable change click here to order a copy of the book Breaking the Broken.

Or feel free to fill out this form to receive more information.

Being alone in a Dark Place

Do you remember a time when you were in a dark place?

Did you have anyone you could really talk to about the truth?

I have had dark days, maybe even a dark week or two…but 2013-14 were probably 2 of my darkest years.

Here are 2 of my status from this date in 2013

“I covet your prayers. The past 2 months have finally caught up to me. To tell you how bad it has been…. I still have wet clothes sitting in a broken down washing machine, my oil change was due over 6 thousand miles ago…. And I am the person that as soon as I hit 5 thousand I get my oil changed. Then to top it off we got hit with another doozie yesterday…. And we also have to be out of our office by Thursday…I know the verses “all things work together for the good…..”and resting in the fact that Satan had to get permission before any of this happened. I wish I had a crystal ball to see the end, but right now I feel I have nothing left to give. Thank you for your prayers.”

“You know you must be bad if the technician at Jiffy Lube asked if you were ok”

These statuses were 10 months into owning a restaurant that we bought for the sole purpose of helping people get back on their feet.

We did not buy it to become a huge corporation and make lots of money, we used it as a training site so people who were reentering the workforce could have a safe place to learn things like integrity, perseverance, reliability etc…

Here is the reasoning behind that dark time.

We surely thought that there would be many on board to support the restaurant because we were helping people to get back on their feet and become productive members of society.

Well unfortunately this was farthest from the truth.

We did not gain business that we thought would be a no brainer. Some of the reasoning’s were we could not beat the fast food pizza prices and also because we sold beer.

We were also told by people because we had “those” people working for us they would never come back. And they didn’t. They would park in front of our store every week and walk to the Chinese restaurant.

We also did field trips and because we had “felons” work for us this certain group that took federal funding could not come back ever. Really?

Then when we did raise our prices to cover the rising cost of food, people got even more upset.

Let me give you one example. Cheese. When we started a box of cheese cost $50/ box, by the time we sold it, the same box of cheese cost $90/box. And that was just one item, but it goes on EVERY pizza.

And to top it off, the ministry lost 30% of its funding.

During this time, I was alone and needed support.

There were days where I could have given up, driving home I would think “just run the van into this ditch, or this pole… No one would care and I will be out of this darkness.”

This was a dark time, but when you do ministry you cannot be honest. You have to smile and make believe everything is amazing and great.

I am grateful that I did not allow satan to win. I am grateful I am on this side of that darkness. Many unfortunately do not make it to this side of the darkness. Please be in tuned to those ministry leaders you support. To those people you call friends. Watch for warnings of darkness, burn out and compassion fatigue. Be a true friend and don’t accept their answer of “I’ll be ok” or “it’ll be ok.”

If you are a ministry leader and have never heard of compassion fatigue, please look into it. Here is a link to a test by the Compassion Fatigue Awareness Project ©

**if you are in ministry and don’t feel you have any one to talk to please reach out to someone**

If you are a Ministry Leader and would like my husband and I to pray for you please fill out this form.

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