She doesn’t want your pity

Rob and I met Jamie in the early 2000’s, when she showed up on our door step with a little girl in a car carrier and pregnant with her son. She will tell you within 30 minutes my husband had her in tears.

Not because he or I were condemning her, but because we were telling her that she was worthy of a life different than what she thought or saw at that point.

In the years to come we would walk with her in relationship, be Gramma Meredith and Grandaddy Rob to her kids. I still remember walking through Wal-mart and her son, who was an infant was crying uncontrollably and unconscionable. We would quickly realize that baby peaches were NOT his friend.

Over the past 13 years Jamie has loved her children well as a single parent. She does not look for peoples pity, and actually her pride keeps her from asking for help. In December 2008, Jamie fell ill with bilateral pneumonia and was hospitalized, 3 days later her legs no longer worked.

That was the first of 5 times she has had to relearn to walk.

It took the doctors until August 201o, but finally she was diagnosed with MS.

Over the years she would work as much as she could but then the pain, and stress would get the best of her and her body would shut down again.

Some would say she was faking.

Others would say “oh poor baby”, but Jamie did not complain.

She would walk her kids to school using her walker. She would make sure they were getting the best education. All the while her MS would flair up, whenever it decided (arms being paralyzed for weeks on end and legs not working properly for 6-9 months). She had put in the paperwork for disability, but MS is very hard to get on disability for, is what she was told, so she worked when she could and lived very frugally.

And if her MS was not enough, her daughter and son both fell ill. Ian’s diagnosis is Crohn’s and with dietary restrictions he fairs pretty well. Jazzy, after many hospital visits and stays, they finally found chronic intestinal pseudo-obstruction.

Jamie and the kids at AtG’s Annual Christmas Dinner for men at Room in the Inn

In 2013, a van was donated to the ministry and who else would benefit so much from a vehicle but Jamie. The coolest part of the story; this vehicle was donated by a high school teacher, and Jamie had actually had him as a teacher. He was so thrilled that she was the recipient, because he always knew she would do great things.

After Jazzy got released from the hospital, the doctors ok’d Jamie to surprise the kids and take them to Florida. While there they slept in the van on the beach…just a big slumber party. Jamie quickly realized that the warmth and sun did everyone a lot of good. She searched out an apartment and a job. She came home to announce that at the end of the school year they would leave for Florida.

Upon moving to Florida everything fell apart and they ended up living in their van on the beach.

She did not give up.

She preservers.

She finally gets a break and moves into an apartment and has a job.

She is thrilled…. then just when she things are looking up… she ends up wheel chair bound.

During this time many wanted to “fix it” for her. Many wanted her to move back so we could “take care” of her. But she stood or in this case “sat” her ground and said, “I know you all love me, but I need to stay here.”

At Christmas last year we went to Florida to just have some fun. Everyone chipped in and we stocked her cabinets and bought Christmas gifts that I made her wrap. We went and got pedicures and wheeled her down to the beach. We cried, we laughed but not once did she ask for pity… she asked that God would allow her to walk again.

Here is a short video of our adventures:

On October 12th this was her Facebook Status:

Hello, everyone. I just wanted to update everyone. I know I have been gone a long time but it was much needed time away. I will probably only stay on a few days just to catch up with yal and to get numbers to keep in touch in the future. This year has been a really hard year. I truly wasn’t sure if Id ever really walk again. I really had lots of days of being so discouraged, and some of those days I would verbalize out loud where Jaz and Ian would hear and immediately they would respond with “Mommy don’t say that you will walk again.” Then I would wheel myself to my room and cry out to God to please help me. I didn’t want to let my kids down and I did feel like I had started giving up. So I really needed to do some soul searching without distractions. Once I got off FB my therapist and I busted butt. She worked me soooo very hard but she believed in me even when I didn’t believe in myself. MS isn’t all that know about but its a MONSTER. It doesn’t just affect your central nervous system. It affects every single thing in your body. Its painful everyday and you have to fight every single day. Well in August I finally got out of my wheelchair and onto my walker and as of September I am now not using anything. I still have a little limp but I have come so far with Gods strength and I fight everyday for my 2 beautiful babies. I passed my neuro exam and now back behind the wheel which feels amazing. I know I have had so many people praying for me and I truly appreciate every single one. I still have a ways to go but at least I’m headed back in the right direction. I love yal and hope yal are all doing amazing!!

She sent me this video (October 12th,2016)

Then as she drove her children to school a few weeks ago, a young lady “thought” she could make it, but there was no time to stop and the van was totaled, but once again Jamie did not ask for pity… she did the hard work needed to find just the right vehicle in her price range and God provided.

She finally has jumped through all the hoops of the disability system and prayerfully she should receive her first check by the end of the 1st quarter 2017.

So why this blog? The only “disability” I have is, I deal with food allergies and PTSD. I have a husband who has provided for our family for the past 32 years and when adversity hits me…. I start to cry out “why me?” I don’t have even half of the perseverance that Jamie does.

I teach every week about obtaining goals and I hear all the excuses you can imagine. Jamie has modeled when it comes to having a goal, get rid of all your “distractions” so you can focus on your end result.

She knows she has many long days ahead of her so if she comes to mind keep her in your prayers.

As you strive to reach your goals and doubt and fear start to creep in… remember this young single mom who has once again has had to relearn to walk 5 times, and after being wheelchair ridden for 9 months is now WALKING.

Jesus wants to know the stripper

This is a re-post from a blog I did in 2012

Today I woke up with a heart ache.

I could not get out of my mind the women and moms who are working in our adult entertainment district. God has laid them on my heart to pray for their safety. I cannot say that he has had me pray that they will get out of the industry but to pray they stay safe. I know you are right about now saying “get me this women’s phone number. She has gone off the deep end”, but before you stone me hear me out.

As an organization we have worked with many women who have worked in the Adult entertainment industry. To sit down and listen to their stories would make you cry… Why, why did you only see this as your only option?

About 2 years ago I was running a Job Readiness Program and the State sent clients that were on Families First to my class. I had a young women that was not only about to lose all her benefits for her and her children (food stamps and healthcare) but someone was threatening to call DCS because she was not providing the basics for her children.

She tried and tried to get a job but at that time jobs were a little harder to come by. One day after class she approached me and said, “I hear what you are saying, but right now I need to make some money.”

For the next 20 minutes I sat down and just listened to the heart of a mom who wanted more than anything to stand on her own two feet. She loved her kids and would do anything not to have them taken away. She had walked away from an abusive boyfriend and was trying NOT to rely on a “guy” for anything. She wanted to make it on her own.

I started asking questions about what she used to do before she moved here. She told me she was a stripper. I think she was waiting for me to say “Oh No, you can NEVER do that again”; but instead I just listened. I did not want to make her feel any lower than she already did.

I heard from her the next day when she did not show up for class, she had a job and she was providing for her and her children. Was the job the most ideal? NO, but she was not relying on an abusive boyfriend to make sure she was taken care of.

Why do I tell you this story? Well as I was driving up 65 North into Franklin today my mind started wandering to 15 years ago this month when my not so perfect marriage started going awry. My husband was unhappy and had started having an emotional affair with my best friend. I was just beside myself when that day came and he said to me “I just don’t love you anymore”. We started separating things and he started paying child support. I got the house but with me not working what was I to do?

I had been a stay at home mom and had no marketable job skills. My self-esteem took a plunge which in turn started a very quick downward spiral. How could this be happening, we went to church every time the doors were open, we participated in every event, even organized them.; kids choir and Bible bowl were my Sunday afternoons. Now I am sitting in the bathroom asking “how am I going to make ends meet”.

I needed money fast and knew that going through the paper, to interviews and trying to put on a show that everything was ok was NOT going to work. So what is a girl to do? Oh I know, I had just lost a lot of weight and looked pretty good, so let me find out where the local Strip Clubs are and I will learn to swing around a pole.

You see, emergency mode is what I was in. I needed to provide for my 3 children and fast easy money was how I was going to make it.

Now back to why my “heart aches” for the women that are in this industry? Because that could have very easily been me; Someone’s daughter, someone’s mother, someone’s Aunt, someone’s sister. Every one of those ladies has a different story as to why…. But in our busyness of the day do we really want to sit down and get to know “the local stripper”?

Jesus does…

My heart still aches for the women who see this as their only option. If you know of young woman in this profession, please get them my information. I would love to talk with them and equip them and empower them.

Open Concept, What a Novel Idea

Have you ever had a meeting with someone and after that meeting you can’t stop thinking about something that was said?

I was meeting with Paula Mosher Wallace and as she was sharing her story, I saw a house that was built in the early 1900’s, it was small and every room had 4 walls and a door. There was no seeing into the room from any other room. You only could see what was in that room if you walked in, looked through the window or the door just happened to be open when you were walking down the hallway.

The next vision I saw was what today HGTV stars would call an “open concept”.

You can stand in one place, look from one end to the other with nothing obstructing the view or the flow.

The more she was talking about compartmentalizing our abuse the more I found myself realizing how many times I have compartmentalized my healing.

I realized that as I have been “working on myself”, I would, for a lack of a better analogy, shut the door and not return to that room unless something came up and I needed to revisit it. I would then go onto the next “room”, (item that I needed to work on), get it to where I thought it was “good enough” and then walk out, turn off the light and shut the door.

I realized today that by compartmentalizing my healing, that I was not working on myself also as a whole.

I thought that by working on things one at a time that they did not affect the other parts of my life. The problem is that it all affects me and who I am.

By saying, this happened over here, so therefore it only affects this portion of me; well I am lying to myself.

I did not become a successful business owner overnight, it took months, years. It took me maturing and learning. It took adding one skill to the last to build the person I became in business.

So my challenge as I am working through my own “brokenness” and “healing”, I need to tear down some walls, place some I-Beams for structural support (God’s arms) and realize to be completely free that what is broken in the spare bedroom, really does affect the way you interact in the kitchen.

Please feel free to fill out the contact form if:

You are broken and just need to know someone is praying for you
You are broken are ready to heal
You are broken and just don’t know where to turn

***for information about Paula Mosher Wallace please visit her website and learn about her book “Bloom in the Dark”.***

Who’s the fairest of them all?

She walked into the room, tears streaming, she had promised herself she would never end back up in this situation, but here she was….hurt…mad….angry….disgusted….

The words he spewed in his fit of rage were still ringing in her ears and now were haunting her very soul.

She walked past the mirror hoping to hear “you’re the fairest of all”, but unlike a fairytale all she heard was his voice “you’re ugly”, “you’re fat”, “you need to get over yourself, I never loved you”.

How does one pick up the pieces from this?

How am I to go on?

May tomorrow never come.

We have all had relationships that ended badly. Some though have been worse than others. And usually once we can step back with a new perspective we can actually start to see that the warning signs had been there for many days, months or years, but we ourselves were in a state of self denial “it’s not that bad” or worse yet we were stuck on a self- fulfilling prophecy that said “well I guess this is all life has to offer me”.

How can this change for me?

How badly do I want to change?

Do I feel I am worthy?

First thing we need to do is realize we all get stuck on this cycle of letting life happen, it’s just how quickly we can get off and stay off is the bigger question.

We get in a rut. We are used to hearing words with a negative connotation and start to believe that is how we are to become.

For example: you are told from a very early age that you will never be as good as so and so, or worse yet you are told you will end up just like so and so….and you see that so and so has a really rough life and is living life just getting by or worse yet gets themselves into relationships that are dysfunctional (not working as they were intended) and codependent (putting everyone else’s needs above yourself even to the point of allowing abuse: verbal, emotional, physical, and or sexual) at their very core.

Because these words were spoken over you, usually by an adult or authority figure, you start to believe these words especially when they are coupled with actions or lack of actions that would otherwise prove those words false.

So you grow up believing this is all you are worth and to make matters worse you start allowing all aspects of your life and relationships to grow based upon this self defeating expectation that this is all you are worth.

How does one change especially if this is the only way you know how to “do life”?

Ask yourself this question:

What do I want my tomorrow to look like?

What new expectations do you want for yourself in light of who God says you are? Not man, not the world, but who God says you are?

God says you are WORTHY to be created by Him to do great things.

Ephesians 2:10 says: For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things He planned for us long ago.

So my question to you is if this is who God says we are and were created to do, then why do we stay in relationships that God truly is not a part of?

Why do we only see ourselves worthy of being a door mat?

Decide today to start seeing yourself with the same WORTH as God sees in you, and start using Gods standards before you allow yourself to get into another relationship or I can promise you one thing….you will end back up in a codependent, dysfunctional relationship.

Spewing venom doesn’t end well

In 1997 my marriage was over. The divorce papers were written and we were living in separate places, child support was set, and visitation decided.

But God…

Why do I feel compelled to write this blog?

I saw a Facebook post the other day and it was venom spewing from the mouth of a very hurt woman. Her venom was being spewed towards the other woman. Her other posts were being spewed at her now estranged husband.
My heart was breaking for not only this woman but the many others whose lives are being shattered. We think their lives are being shattered by divorce but in reality they are continuing to be shattered every single day by their lack of love and self respect for themselves.

As I read the words with my eyes, I was really reading it with my heart that has been healed from that same brokenness, we are human beings allowing actions of others to dictate our happiness.

I realize more and more that I am so thankful that social media was not around in 1997 when Rob and I were going through our junk. Many things were said to anyone who would listen. Many tears were cried into my pillow. Many songs were sung at the top of my lungs to stand on the promises of God. I wish I had only said things in private to my one friend.

I seriously believe that in my anger and hurt, I would have taken to social media because it is innate within us that “I don’t care who I hurt. I am hurting so someone else is also going to feel my pain”.

We allow anger to get the best of us.

We don’t control it, it controls us.

The challenge becomes when reconciliation is on the table, you realize that the words spewed in anger cannot be taken back. The words spewed in anger that were meant to sting, to lessen your pain, you cannot take back and now you realize you were just as involved in creating the pain.

Now why do I say also that this stems from a lack of love and self- respect for themselves. I have for many years dealt with the feeling of being unworthy. If you know me and my story, you know that my addiction was not drugs or alcohol but unhealthy relationships. Most also know that Rob’s and my relationship was not so healthy in the beginning.

If you add unhealthy relationships and a feeling of unworthiness, then you get a recipe for disaster and for satan to reek havoc in your life, especially if you are confessing to be a Christian. But because we were not in a right relationship with God we allowed satan to have control. There is no being on the fence with a relationship with God, satan owns the fence.

So as I come to the end of this post, my biggest prayer is that before you take not only to social media, but also “friends, church people, employees etc”, to spew your anger, remember that we are all humans. We all make mistakes. We are not perfect. And just because you are hurt does not make it right to defame or destroy someone else. I still can remember as we were trying to rebuild our lives, how Rob felt as we attempted to find a church and new friends that hadn’t heard about our dysfunction as I was talking to anyone who would listen, to make me out to be a better person than he.

Worthy

If you were guaranteed success and money was taken care of, what would you do with your life?
Many of us had dreams when we were younger and for whatever reason they were dashed by the time we became adults.
We were either told, you can’t become a princess because they only exist in fairy tales or you were told to be realistic because you aren’t tall enough, skilled enough or thin enough to become “that”.

Do you remember being a kid and saying, “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never harm me?” Now that I teach life recovery classes on a daily basis to people who are overcoming addictions, abuse or negative cycles of life, I realize that whoever wrote that was trying real hard to do the “Positive Self-talk” or they were trying to strengthen their child because of the horrible parenting they had done. Whatever the reason, if we are really honest with yourselves the words of, “you can’t do that”, “that will never work”, or “you’re not good enough”, still haunt us today and we may find ourselves stuck on this cycle of letting life happen.

I teach every week in the darkest corners of the United States, in our jails and prisons. I know what hopeless looks like. I know what oppression feels like. I also know what it is to be locked up inside my own prison filled with doubt and self-sabotage.

To know me, you would never guess I deal with the feeling of being worthless. I am full of self-confidence because I am a survivor. I have survived being abused as a teen by my stepfather. I overcame the feelings of abandonment by my father. I survived being neglected by the church, because I didn’t know all the hidden rules and I didn’t fit in, which just added to my feeling of worthlessness. I even overcame feelings of neglect as my husband worked 3 jobs and the emotional trauma of marital infidelity from both my husband and I. And just when I thought God was finished, I became the survivor of a gang attack in 2011 which has produced PTSD.

To be a survivor, you can have all the confidence in the world. But self-esteem is an estimate of yourself, and if you have been beat down by words and events, you start to believe this as truth about yourself.

This year my husband and I read a book called “One Word that will change your life” by Jon Gordon, Dan Britton and Jimmy Page. My word this year is “Worthy”. I started 2016 by repeating that “I am worthy of: (and then I would journal what I was worthy of), after a couple of weeks I realized that in order to overcome the “less than feelings of unworthiness” I needed to start taking a serious look at who I was internally and ask myself “Do I even love myself?”

Old habits are hard to break and one of my biggest habits is self-sabotage. The definition of sabotage is deliberate destruction. So if you put the word “self” in front of that you get “deliberate self-destruction”. When you couple self-sabotage and low self-esteem with a high self-confidence you find in a survivor, the results can actually be disastrous.

I have around me a support system that I can call on when my days don’t go so great. The challenge for many is that they look so put together on the outside, that they can’t be honest with what’s going on inside and all the while they are dying for someone to say “it’s okay, you do not have to be all put together for me”.

Please don’t go another day without reaching out to someone if you are that person dying inside. For more information about The 180 Program that we use everyday please click here.

If you want more information about having me speak for your women’s group or retreat please fill out the following form.

The Kendall Factor: A legacy of Faith

This past April I had the privilege of spending a week at the beach with all my husbands brothers and sisters, their spouses, mom and dad and another couple who grew up knowing the Kendall’s. It was here that the friend brought up the term, “The Kendall Factor.” What did he mean by “The Kendall Factor?” All 16 people sitting at that table are devoted to Christ and continuing the legacy of the Kendall family. I am not a Kendall by birth, I am a Kendall by marriage. For the longest time it was just the name I was given when the preacher pronounced us man and wife.

Most know that Robs and my marriage did not start off on the best of feet. I was pregnant. We hadn’t known each other long and to make matters worse, Robs mom and dad found out we were getting married when I called to ask what my soon to be father-in-laws middle name was becuase I needed it for the invitations. There has been many more rocky roads in this 31 years BUT GOD is all I can say.

I know that for the past 3 decades, beyond a shadow of a doubt, my marriage has been prayed for by my in-laws.

When you are young and living life things doesn’t really sink in, but now today things have changed. I realized I am a Kendall. This past weekend I read a book written by Robs grandfather. Its like an autobiography/tales from the road, but in reality it was much more than that. It was about a legacy that started in the late 1800’s when Rob’s Great-Grandfather was saved.

I laughed, I cried and by the end of the book I mourned.

Grandpa’s dad, was saved in the late 1800’s. He was out in the woods when he gave his life to Christ, (maybe that is why Rob loves the woods so much). Here is the story as told by Grandpa

My father was converted at age 20 while alone in the woods. At that time, he was attending a church where a cuspidor (a large bowl, often of metal, serving as a receptacle for spit, especially from chewing tobacco) was kept by the pulpit for the worldly pastor, and where board members sometimes became so heated in argument they would pull off their coats. Fathers testimony must have been a shocker. He said, “The Lord saved me from chewing tobacco and getting mad”. The people responded, saying, “Bert, we believe you are in earnest, but don’t you think you have gone too far?”

The same Jesus that saved my Great-Grandfather that day can and will deliver you but you have to be willing. Great-Grandpa was willing and he actually then moved to a different church and became a circuit pastor.

First conviction: When “church people” are telling you to not take it too far when you have been freed from something, do you stand your ground and find where God would have you to worship or do you allow their worldly behaviors to make you think “maybe God doesn’t really require me to give up these things?”

Great-Grandmother prayed for her children. She actually said that she was convinced before Walter was even born that she knew he would be a preacher, and Grandpa says that is why he was named Walter Sellew after a “bishop of her church”.

Next conviction: Do we pray for and over our children like that?

We get caught up in our daily lives, I get that; but why do we not pray for our children’s lives before we have them? And I mean specific prayers of doing great things?

Back to the story:

At 16 Grandpa was running away from his faith. The only reason he went to a camp meeting that afternoon was because he heard that Ruth Johnson was going to be there (he had met her earlier, but he got sick and had to return home to heal). Grandpa says it was a dreary afternoon, someone trying to preach and suddenly he saw himself as a sinner sliding into Hell. He goes on to say ” my mothers prayers for me must have been with me, for all I had been taught about God became real to me”. In his book he then said these words became meaningful to him :

There is a spot to me more dear,
Than native vail or mountain:
A spot for which affection’s tear
Springs grateful from its fountain.
Its not the place of kindred minds,
Though that is almost heaven;
But where I first my Savior found
and felt my sins forgiven.

Religion had only been a teaching “Thou Shall NOT”, then suddenly the world became new to me and I was never the same again.

As I read this story of my grandfather-in-laws life, I found myself yearning more and more for this life of faith, this life led by the Holy Spirit, to be filled with the Holy Spirit. I don’t mean he was speaking in tongues or jumping pews, he had a faith knowing that Jesus heals, that Jesus provides, that Jesus nudges us to live a life full of holiness. I wanted this filling. I don’t want the head knowledge but the filled with the Holy Spirit in my heart so full that is exudes through every pore of my body. The filling of the Holy Spirit that when you are not being pure and right that you can’t sleep until you make it right.

Here are memes I made while reading the book.

One of the quotes that I felt convicted of was do I pray, “Lord if you will make it plain, I will do it?” Grandpa was talking about being truthful and publicly placing on the alter his sin of the heart. Pride, conceit, carnal fear, and carnal ambition. It was during a camp meeting and the first words the Evangelist that night said not once but used it over and over in the 15 minutes he spoke: John 2:5 “Whatever he says to you, do it.”

As the Evangelist was done speaking, Grandpa got up, stated his need, begged to be forgiven and asked for prayer. In his book, Grandpa said, “At the alter satan taunted me saying” you have made a fool of yourself. You will have to get up and go on as you are”.

As I read this I realized how many times satan keeps us in our fear to seriously ask God to forgive us because we don’t see God for who He is and what He is calling us to do.

To end this, I realized while reading this book that I am part of a legacy that was started in the late 1800’s.

What am I doing to continue this legacy?

I panicked and became the church

In 2011 I was in an interview that would change my life.

We were in what I have named, “the weekend from hell”.

During this weekend, little sleep was given and you were put to all kinds of tests. The objective was to see if you were called to plant a church.

Even though I can’t go into many details of the weekend, I want to share this one event, because even today, 5 years later I think back to that day and say, “Who was that, that was not me.”

My task was to teach a mock Sunday school class. I had to come up with original material and it could not be anything I had already written or taught on. I stayed up late preparing and was excited for the task the next day.

The day progressed and it was finally my time. I was being judged and in my class was the wife of the leader. I was so nervous because this was a church planting assessment, so I had picked a good ole church passage and church lesson. I was all out of sorts, because if you know me this is NOT how I write or teach. I share from my heart; I share what God has been showing me. I DON’T flat out make up a Sunday school lesson.

The participants were kind as I started and was fumbling along. Then out of left field, one of the participants took on a “character” that was definitely not someone who would voluntarily come to church.

This characters line of questioning and her answers threw me and I panicked. My husband said, “I would not have believed it if hadn’t seen it with my own eyes. You panicked and became the church.”

There was no compassion to find out who this person was. There was no, “Hey’ let’s get lunch afterwards.” There was no, “Lets finish this lesson, because it sounds like you have many questions, maybe we could meet for coffee.”

No it was—- well we will put the lesson aside and you WILL become a Christian, right here….right now.

Needless to say I flunked that interview, but what I did learn was that I cannot change the way I teach Bible because I was being interviewed. God has gifted me to use real life situations, accompanied with His word to bring people to a transformed way of living and ultimately into relationship with Him. For that I am eternally grateful.

The valuable lesson I learned that day; stay true to how God created me to teach His word.

So you want to start an Inner-City Youth program

In 2003, God called my husband and me away from 2, 6 figure incomes to become Stateside Missionaries. For the past 13 years I have given my all to families who are broken. My children have commented, at times, it felt like I cared more for the moms than I did my own family.

My husband has written a book called “Breaking the Broken: Debunking the Myth of Social Justice”. This book is not just a tidbit of our story, but more importantly Gods plan to redeem the poor to dignity by walking with them in relationship. The challenge comes when everyone has their own idea of how things are to work instead of using Jesus as our example. Jesus healed people. Jesus gave people dignity. Jesus empowered people to take care of themselves.

As I sat in court this morning my heart broke not just for the kids, but also for the mothers, because both are a product of their environment.

I tell people all the time that most of the moms we work with are just children in parent bodies. They are trying to navigate life without the needed tools.

How do we change this?

Have we ever considered expanding your Inner-City Youth programs and making them Inner-City Family Programs?

While having fun with kids is important, did you include the parents? Did you know that there could have been a father figure in the home? Did you know that you just added to his belief that he will never be a good enough father?

Did you know that the mom would have absolutely loved to be invited to the “mother-daughter” outing?

An inner-city youth program to be successful, to break the chains off, needs to be intentional: family style. I mean everyone sit down to the dinner table and become vulnerable to each other.

A truly successful ministry results in families being given the tools to make it on their own through sustainable life services.

Thirteen years ago, we were told by prominent pastors in the area that Against the Grain would never work. We needed to go back to work and take care of ourselves. That the moms were just going to take advantage of us because they truly did not want to change. As we continued to serve the moms, helping them to get education and jobs (sustainable changes), other churches and non-profits would start working in the same neighborhood just giving everything away. There was no training, just vehicles showing up, opening their back ends and flooding the neighborhoods with all the free stuff, one could want. So why would anyone want to learn or try for themselves, when if they just waited a few days, people would show up and give them things?

We met with those that were coming into the neighborhood, because if we worked together and quit giving everything away, there could be sustainable change in the lives of the moms and therefore the children.

I was told that I did not know what I was talking about and the giveaways would continue. Equipping people to break free from the cycles of poverty is an uphill battle and the constant giveaway programs made it nearly impossible. We chose to refocus our efforts and work to repair the damage give away programs had created. While we continued our relationships in the community we started working with men and women that were incarcerated or previously incarcerated.

Where are those organizations today? They have long gone onto the next thing, left the neighborhood and in turn left the moms worse than they were. Many of them were on course to do something with their lives, but missed their window of opportunity.

Did you know you only have 5 years to get off the government system? With an action plan one can go to school, get an education and graduate with a Bachelor’s degree before losing all benefits from the government. Many of these women lost this opportunity and are now struggling to survive.

Today as I sat in court, my heart broke because the church has failed. I have failed. I allowed others to dictate the outcome. I allowed the words of others to impact my ability to fight for those we had so passionately adopted as daughters and grandchildren.

You may be thinking you want the fast easy way to change a life but change takes time. Breaking the cycles of poverty is not a microwave dinner.

Relationship is messy and you cannot pick and choose what part of the inner-city family you are going to work with. Life change takes a holistic approach. You cannot change one without working with the rest of them; that is NOT the way inner-city relationships work.

God has shown me that I have a voice in this fight. God has allowed all this transition to take place so we can become even more fruitful for His Kingdom.

I still work with moms and children, I still work in jails, halfway homes and transitional centers. I still teach in homeless shelters and low income communities, but in order to be the most effective for God, it is time to train those who want to start an effective Inner-City Family Program. After all, Jesus equipped and trained others to go and do.

Life is measured in before and after

January 20, 2011 ended up cold and snowing; pretty much like it was this morning, as I sat and wrote this. That morning was cold but beautiful. The sun was out and I had to be in Nashville first thing to teach a class.
I drove to my newly self-appointed parking spot on the side of Albion Street. I gathered the items I had brought for the mothers, diapers, wipes etc., and made my way back up the street to the facility where the mothers were waiting.

That morning I had also brought my digital camera because we needed a picture of me teaching for a brochure. As the class was ending and I had asked one of the mothers to take a picture while I was finishing up.

I said my good byes and told them I would see them next week.

As I walked to my van I was talking to my daughter who was in college 90 minutes from Nashville. At 11:29am we said our good byes and by 11:32am, I was calling 9-1-1, because I had just been attacked.

Today is the 5^th anniversary of that attack, and it still is a very real part of who I am. As I sat down to do my quiet time this morning I realized that God has quite a sense of humor. I started my quiet time by praying and my prayer this morning went something like this “God, thanks to PREA (Prison Rape Elimination Act), I can’t get into jails and prisons like I used to under the victims awareness program, so why again did I have to go through the attack?”

To give the backstory to that prayer: 18 months after the attack, I was asked to speak to a group of men in an Ohio Prison. I went under the “Victims Awareness” program. After I had finished my talk a gentleman approached me and said, “I was praying this morning for a sign from God that He was real and in you walked.” (He actually knew of the 180 Program that we founded because he had been incarcerated in TN first).

At that moment I understood that God had to allow me to become a victim of a gang attack in order to be allowed to speak in that prison at that time. But today it’s a different story. With PREA you have to be trained by each individual jail, prison, by that county or state, there are no federal trainings. Just to give you an idea by the end of January I will have sat in 4 different PREA trainings just so I can continue to teach here locally.

So this morning 5 years later, I was having a pity party. Why did this happen? I opened up Philippians where I have been studying for the past month and I see this verse:

I want you to know brothers and sisters that what has happened to me actually served to
advance the gospel.

Today I am alive and I don’t take that lightly. Two women died at the hands of their domestic abusers within 30 days of my attack. They had the same injuries I had. I do suffer from PTSD and some days are better than others. Five years later, the right side of my face is always asleep and tingles or twitches. It is very irritating when I try to kiss my husband, but at least I am alive to kiss my husband.

Life is measured in before’s and after’s. I have a daily choice to let the PTSD that I now have control me or I control it. This year I am looking for a new why?

I may not be allowed into the prisons and jails like I used to be, but God… He gave me this platform. He allowed me to walk away with just a tingling face and PTSD, so today’s quiet time showed me that this happened to advance Gods Kingdom and now my job is to keep my eyes open for the new where, to answer the why?

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