Giving up the “Good” to do the “Great”

Ask my husband and he will tell you I have a real hard time saying “No”. I can be a real giving person with little to no regard to the how, the outcome or, worse yet, how it will affect me.

I recently said “yes” to something without thinking everything through. I just knew it was for a good cause and I kept rationalizing that “it was for a good cause.”

As the days came and went and the weeks came and went, my anxiety and panic attacks increased. I blamed it on being re-triggered from the motorcycle accident.

As the event that I was going to be a part of was getting ready to take place, my anxiety increased to the point that I could not handle it and I had to walk away at the last minute.

As soon as I walked away, my anxiety subsided. I could not believe it, could it have been that easy?

I am not sure if you are like me but I like to fix things. I want to fix people. I have a real hard time with “boundaries” all in the name of “it was for a really good cause” or “they really needed my help.”

A major thing that I have had to deal with these past few weeks, which is NOT in my DNA as a first born, take charge, make it happen, bull in the china shop personality is; it is not my responsibility to fix everything or everyone.

God gives each of us gifts but more importantly He gives us a calling.

I am gifted in many things and it’s ok to do those things once in a while. For example, I love to have people over for dinner, but I am NOT called to be a caterer (yes, I do know that: been there, done that).

God over the past few years has been giving me subtle hints that my ministry was going to start taking on a different look. I was so set in my “no, it has to look this way” that I did not listen.

Just recently I realized that I have been doing a lot of good things, at the expense of not doing the great.

Part of my new learning experience is “boundaries” and asking the question: what is this going to cost and is God asking me to do this or is it part of my human DNA of wanting to help?

My question for you as you wrote down your goals yesterday:

What is God asking you to stop doing, which may be “good”, but He wants you to do something “great?”

Giving myself permission NOT to be Competitive against myself

Have you ever been to or watched a bidding war? And the person who really wanted to win starts bidding against themselves?

I feel that since January 2011, I have been bidding against myself and didn’t know it; I just knew that the PTSD was not going to win. I had to overcome it and be healed.

Sometimes God does not take away the “thorn” and you (I), have to be OK with that.

My new normal started in 2011, but today 2015, four and three-quarter years after the attack I am still bidding against myself.

I still use that dysfunctional coping skill I learned so well growing up; “act as if nothing happened”, and just keep doing things the way you have always done them.

I read the book “The Go-Giver” by Bob Burg and John David Mann the other night. In the book a statement was made: “what you focus on, is what you get”.

I realized that I have been focusing so much on “overcoming” the PTSD that I continue being competitive with myself instead of taking the words Paul wrote in 2 Corinthians 12: 7-10. You will find them here, this is from the Message (a paraphrase version)

Because of the extravagance of those revelations, and so I wouldn’t get a big head, I was given the gift of a handicap to keep me in constant touch with my limitations. Satan’s angel did his best to get me down; what he in fact did was push me to my knees. No danger then of walking around high and mighty! At first I didn’t think of it as a gift, and begged God to remove it. Three times I did that, and then he told me,

My grace is enough; it’s all you need. My strength comes into its own in your weakness. Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ’s strength moving in on my weakness. Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size—abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks. I just let Christ take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become.

So my question to you is: what’s your thorn that you are trying desperate to be healed from and maybe God is saying “if you continue to focus on being healed, you won’t focus on Me and what I want to do with you”.

Remember today is a new day, no matter how bad yesterday was, no matter how bad your past….the only thing under consideration is your very next step….so make it count.

**** secondary***** I have attached a goal sheet. Less than 3% of people actually obtain their goals and the number 1 reason is because they are not written down. So here is a goal sheet for you to use. It’ll be interesting to see when we get to the end of the week how well you stayed on task and actually accomplished the goals.

Goals sheet participant

Shut Up B*#ch

Mom, I don’t understand. Why did you smack me? Those are the words he calls you. Why can’t I call you that?

Mom. I don’t understand. I just said the words he said. You know that guy who you told us to call dad. You know the one who yelled from his car as he drove by with another girl in the car.

Mom, I don’t understand. Why am I now in time out for telling that woman to shut up? I just used the words you used when that other girl from the car started talking.

Mom, why am I locked in my room? Do I embarrass you when I tell people shut up? I’m just using the language I hear others use when they are talking to you and the language you repeat back.

Mom, knock it off, you’re embarrassing me. Don’t you know I am just practicing for when I grow up and get me a baby mama like you. You know the one; the one where I can tell her what to do, call her names and then when I show back up, she’ll let me in. I’ll do all those things to her you let me watch on TV. I’ll treat her the way your music teaches me to treat the babies mama. I’ll treat her just like all those guys treat you.

Mom, and dad, your kids are watching. They hear what you hear. They see what you see. They do what you do.

If you don’t think kids are watching you then why did Rodney Atkins write a country song about it? This song spent 4 weeks at the top of the county music chart and was song of the year in 2007. (https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rodney_Atkins)

Driving through town just my boy and me
With a happy meal in his booster seat
Knowing that he couldn’t have the toy
Till his nuggets were gone
A Green traffic light turned straight to red
I hit my breaks and mumbled under my breath
As fries went a flying and his orange drink covered his lap
Well then my four year old said a four letter word
That started with “s” and I was concerned
So I said son now where’d you learn to talk like that

Chorus one

He said I’ve been watching you dad, ain’t that cool
I’m your buckaroo, I wanna be like you
And eat all my food and grow as tall as you are
We got cowboy boots and camo pants
Yeah we’re just alike, hey ain’t we dad
I wanna do everything you do
So I’ve been watching you

(http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/r/rodney_atkins/watching_you.html)

Parenting is much more than having sex, and having an egg and sperm unite. It is a long term relationship with a child who is expecting you (the parent) to teach and train them to love, to serve, to become a productive member of society.

But just like everything in life, there are choices and consequences. Are you making the right choices? And if the answer is NO, then maybe you need to ask yourself this question:

Do I really want to be a parent?

If the answer is NO, then maybe you should call someone and make arrangements for someone else to raise your children. Because if you don’t, the streets will, and I can guarantee you won’t like those results.

If the answer is YES, I want to parent. Then decide today to get the help to make the much needed changes.

But for a lasting change the first call needs to be to Jesus. He needs to be the King, the Lord and the Savior of your life.

I’m Messy

Knock, knock….

Hello?

I answer the door and the church people chime right in “You are beautiful on the inside is what God says about you”.

Being as polite as I can, I say thank you, and excuse myself. I need to finish getting ready. He said he’d be here at 4.

As I stand looking in the mirror, make-up: check
Hair: check
Low cut, tight shirt: check

Sex….The world says that there’s no better way to show love, to feel love. Laying here, trying to feel….. He says it’ll be OK, I’ll be right here.

It’s over. He’s gone. Now I have another baby growing inside. Maybe this time it will be different.

As the months go by, he is gone and now there are 3. I still feel the same; maybe the next one will be different, he says he will stay.

On the outside you adorn yourself with hair, make-up, even nice clothes….but the ugliness, the dirtiness, the worthless feelings… you feel on the inside, they are still there.

You show no emotion.

You are detached from the emotions of the world.

You take cues from others when to laugh or smile, but your face, your face when the world isn’t watching shows hurt, anger and being scared.

A scared little four-year-old who has a four-year-old of her own.

What happened little girl when you were four?

Who are you still protecting little girl?

It’s OK, you’re safe now, they can’t hurt you.

Its what they say, but you don’t believe them.

How do you undo 20 years of secrets, shame and guilt because somehow you think this was your fault.

Going through the motions of day to day life, are you even trying?

Do you even care?

The church people ask.

But truth be told I don’t know how to stay alive, keep it together if I allowed one, just one secret out. And if you really knew me, church people….you would run. Run away just like everyone else, because I’m messy.

If I just let one secret out they may guess the rest. I’ve been told for so long it was just my imagination, it really didn’t happen. No one would believe you, they would say; so if you know what’s best, keep your mouth shut.

So keep my mouth shut I have.

***If this is your story, please know there are people who truly want to help you break free and enjoy life full of emotion. You can also email me at meredithsagekendall@gmail.com

Surviving Church with PTSD and Anxiety

The last month or so I have left church with almost this panic attack, anxiety feeling.

My inner most being has said “suck it up cupcake, it’s church you are secure.”

Even as I am writing this the tears are flowing and the anxiety I feel is about a 9.5 on a 10 scale and I have been home from church for an hour.

I don’t like feeling like this~ the girl who loves serving~ who loves to teach~ is floundering trying to figure out how to get involved and subside this emotional roller coaster of anxiety and panic attacks.

As I talked with my amazing husband, we decided we would first try a different service time. The 9am service is not as packed and maybe the overflowing service has triggered something. So today we attended the 9am service. I did well, but as the service let out, and we were leaving the anxiety started to fill me again.

We head home,but first we need to stop at Kroger. My husband realizes that my arms are folded and I am walking with much more of a purpose. “I’m fine”, is my reply. All the while my inner being is saying: “as long as you don’t say much, keep busy, you won’t lose it.”

Yeah, I make it through Kroger. Now home. My husband comes over to me, wraps his loving arms around me and starts to pray, I start to cry.

I am so tired of feeling like this. This cloud. This anxiety. This very easy could become a dark depression if I let it.

So I sit down and start writing, the tears flowing as I pray “God, something’s gotta give, and I am afraid it’s going to be me.”

I start to let my mind wander.

These are the words I come up with:

The accident

The man who didn’t fit in

The bathroom

No more happy place

So the first word: Accident (totaling the motorcycle on June 28)

Adding additional Trauma to someone who already deals with PTSD, and their go to behavior is to stay busy so you don’t have to feel…is not a recipe for a beautiful wedding cake, but a recipe for disaster.

I have realized that growing up, when things were bad at home, I kept myself busy. I figured if I just locked myself in my room, the bad would happen, and I would just walk out when things were done blowing up. Again not a healthy way to cope with real life and feelings.

Second word was: Man who didn’t fit in

Right after the accident and right after the Chattanooga shootings, there was a gentleman who came to our church services. I did not recognize him. His clothing choices, did not fit the 90 degree weather we were having, and seeing we are in the suburbs, having this person being someone of the homeless population that I minister to in the Nashville area, wasn’t even on my radar. The whole service long my anxiety was heightened, again to the panic attack mode. I wasn’t even safe in the church building, was my thought.

During this time, I had started using a different set of bathrooms that were off the beaten path. There was never a waiting line before or after church. Here is where the issue was, this was the bathroom, in which right after the attack (January 2011) I found myself in when I started bleeding from my nose and it was so bad that we had to call the doctor to make sure everything was ok. So, now every time I walked into this bathroom, I immediately went back to that night, which went back to the attack.

And then my happy place.

My happy place was destroyed through words of discouragement.

So why did I write about this. First because my therapy is writing. It may not fix all my anxiety and panic attacks today but getting it out and verbalizing it allows for satan to not take up any more residence in my thoughts.

Secondly, I know I am not the only person who deals with PTSD, anxiety and panic attacks. Not everyone has such an amazing spouse who is in-tune to your feelings and can give you a safe place to think, vent and strategize. If you are that person who does not have a special someone where your feelings are safe, please do not let this anxiety, panic attacks become a deep dark depression please, please talk to someone. Don’t let it engulf you.

And thirdly, even though church is supposed to be a safe place, it can also hold a lot of triggers for people.
My question to myself is how am I going to work through this? How am I going to control it verses letting it control me?

You see having these issues don’t define you unless you give them permission to.

The Blessing of a Bad Day

June 28th was a B E A U ti-Ful day for a motorcycle ride. As we were ending the ride, still not quite sure what happened, but we ended up in the ditch, with a totaled motorcycle.

Even as I am writing this, I am reliving the scene and can feel the anxiety filling my body from my toes all the way up to my head. I can still see my husband laying in the ditch lifeless. I am screaming and screaming trying to get him to answer. I call 9-1-1. Rob is still lifeless. Finally, he starts to moan, my body just wants to scream, don’t leave me. The moans were so death like, I thought he was taking his last breaths.

Rob has a dislocated collar bone, a sprained shoulder and a concussion. I have bumps and bruises.

Fast forward to the last few weeks of a new normal for our lives

Because of Robs limited use of his arm (we find out later that he had tears in the muscles around his rotator cuff), I drive him a majority of the time. The concussion though, is another story. He is sleeping most of the days away. He can’t get on the computer to work. When we do think he is ready to venture out, he can’t even make it 1/2 a day without tiring. Up until this week, all evening outings were put on hold. And I become a full-time care giver.

This is just the physical aspects of what has happened.

Rob is not 100% yet, but he at least has better movement in his shoulder and his “smart butt” attitude is coming back.

The wreck 6 weeks ago, created another trauma in my life. The anxiety has been so great that it created a depression that was so heavy, that many times, I would want to cry, but my body wouldn’t let me because I needed to be strong.

My husband needed me to care for him.

I needed to stay strong, because my husband was in no shape to care for a wife who was losing it.

During a recent trip downtown Rob said, “I hope you are ok with walking down here, because I won’t be able to defend you if anything happens”.

I did not realize how much the reality of that statement along with the anxiety I was feeling started a spiral downward into a deep depression because I was NOT strong and I couldn’t do anything about it.

Now for the reason for my blog

Rob and I have talked about our deaths and what we would do if the other one died and we survived. I have always said, “well, I know where you would be, so I would be happy for you and I would NOT get remarried but throw myself in to the ministry and keep going”.
What God has shown me through this wreck is that I have not waited for Rob to die, to act as if he was. For many months God has been reminding me about how much I used to be the wife who kept the house clean, I was always cooking breakfast and bringing it to my husband in bed. Over the years, I have become a very focused person, which can be good and bad. Good in the business world, but bad because I have realized how much I get focused on the “busy-ness” of life that I have neglected my husband and his need to be appreciated and loved like I used to.

So God used a motorcycle wreck to show me how much I love my husband and how weak I am and there are things I need to change.

You Can’t Handle the TRUTH

The Lord has had me on this journey lately about Truth. His Truth. We live in a society where, be honest, being truthful is not required. We like what you have to offer, so we are willing to overlook the inaccuracies.

We have sayings like: “You can’t handle the truth.” or “The truth will hurt.” We also leave out portions of the conversation or story to make ourselves look better, all in the name of not wanting to hurt someone with the truth.

In Ephesians 5 it says: Let no one deceive you with empty words for because of such things Gods wrath comes on those who are disobedient. Therefore do not be partners with them. For you were once in darkness but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light (for the fruit of the Light consists in all goodness, righteousness and truth) and find out what pleases the Lord.

We like to stand on our pretty verses such as Psalms 37:4 Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.

or even Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

What we don’t care for much, is the meat that surrounds the fluff. The part of the chapter that says:

“Do not let the prophets and diviners among you deceive you. Do not listen to the dreams you encourage them to have. They are prophesying lies to you in my name. I have not sent them,” declares the Lord. This is what the Lord says: “When seventy years are completed for Babylon, I will come to you and fulfill my good promise to bring you back to this place. For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back from captivity. I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile.” Jeremiah 29: 8b-14 (NIV)

It takes time to learn to discern what the world is saying verses what God is saying, right?

It takes time to get to know the one who is speaking. We spend so much time in the world that we know its voice. But how much time do you spend listening for the voice of God? I saw a church sign yesterday that read,

” What if God listened to you, like you listen to Him?”

This got me thinking. Back in the day we would spend hours getting to know someone. We would talk, talk and talk some more. There was no texting and social media. There was “snail mail”, phone lines, bike rides, and lunch hours. We also would get to know the person, NOT so that we could get ahead in life, but because we truly wanted their friendship. We could even tell you what our best friends “love language” was.

Do you even know what your friends likes and dislikes are?

Today, we look at a social media page and decide if knowing this person is going to further my popularity or hurt me?

This whole conversation that I had during my quiet time with God today, then took me to a startling question: I wonder how many people decide to be a “Christian” because they don’t want Hell?

The truth of the matter is, just because you disobeyed, and you don’t want the consequence, doesn’t mean you will NOT have to deal with the consequences.

Jesus said “drop your nets, leave your boats, and follow me”.

He did not get out the Bible and read scriptures from Romans and ask for a prayer. He asked for a response that would require them to get up out of their boat and walk away from the “truth” that the world was offering. He told them to follow Him, the unknown rebel who was stirring up conflict where ever He went.

He did not promise comfort, popularity and security.

He did promise a life full of tough choices between all the things the world offers and a RELATIONSHIP with Him.

This is the same TRUTH He offers today. How will you respond?

Seeking Your Well Done

As this 17 day trip to the North comes to a close, I have realized that this trip has been bitter sweet.

The sweetness was spending time with family, being able to attend Memorial Day celebrations and birthday parties.

We also were able to meet up with old friends

and meet new ones.

And as I was created to do, I was able to teach and minster to people.

As th P1010806 is trip has been also about walking the piers, crossing Lake Michigan on a big boat,

it also has been a time of healing from my past.

Therefore Rob and I took lots of walks and I took lots of pictures.

I teach people every day that if you want to relocate, great! Start over, awesome!

But I warn; make sure you are running towards and not away.

Part of my healing from my past, was for me to come back to my hometown and face my demons head on. My demons are part of my story and they are used everyday to help people overcome their past. But as much as I hate to admit it, I do allow my demons to take up too much residence in my present.

Because of my self-confidence in what I teach and more importantly what God created me to do, you would never know. But it’s the fear of failure, the fear of never being good enough that keeps me from achieving that next level that I dream of.

It’s my low self-esteem. It’s the lack of value I see in myself.

So how do I start to change the low self-esteem?

God taught me, on this trip, that my value comes from being a daughter of the most High King. And the only “well done, good and faithful servant” that has any bearing on my value as a person, is that of Gods.

As this trip of training and equipping comes to a close I can’t but wonder what God has in store next?

My question for you is, what do you do to hear from people, “well done”?

It’s All Your Fault

I have been in several meetings recently where abuse has been brought up in the conversation.

The conversations went something like this: “well, people who are in abusive situations just need to get out. And then they need to learn to not be a victim anymore.” They went on to say “well, they put themselves in that situation”.

If you know anything about me, you know that this made my blood boil.

I asked the question,”what about the child who was abused by an authority figure? Did they chose to be put in that situation? Did they have a choice where their parent or guardian took them?”

The answer is no. They didn’t have a choice and they couldn’t get out.

Victims of abuse usually grow up thinking that somehow the abuse was their fault and that they deserved it. This thinking came from words, but more importantly it came from lack of actions by a parent or authority figure.

The lack of actions could be in the form of phrases like “You know if you would just mind” “You know if you would just stop pushing their buttons” “You know if you would just……”

When these phrases are told to a child, by an adult, create a belief that “I did something to deserve the abuse”.

Listen up! If you are now an adult who was this child…The abuse was NOT your fault.

As an adult, be aware that you may find yourself living in this world of: I don’t deserve a good relationship. I deserve to be unhappy and depressed. Something is wrong with me. And for some, they do end up in abusive relationships.

I have just recently learned that I have allowed too many days to pass me by. I have been allowing these demons that say “it was my fault” to dictate my future. It was NOT my fault then, it is NOT my fault today. What is my fault though, is that I choose to stay in this mindset that “I’m a victim”.

Today I am an adult and I have a choice, do I stay in this dark place of victim-hood, or do I face it head on and say “today is a new day, I know the past happened and I cannot change that, but I can chose to not let it rob me of another day of joy.”

Are you that child, now a grown adult? Please do not let another day go by where your joy is stolen by the demons that say “it’s all your fault”.

“I’m Fine” Famous last words….

If you know me, then you know for the past few years I have run myself ragged all in the name of ministry.

I put everyone else’s needs above myself and I don’t mean the needs of my children and husband. All the while if asked; my answer would be “I am fine” or “I’ll figure it out”.

God did call me into full time stateside ministry in 2003 but at that same time He did not call me to neglect myself.

12 years of stateside mission work has had its ups and its downs. Since 2011, though, it has been one downward thing after another.

This was originally the picture from the hospital.

In 2011, I was attacked in broad daylight. I can describe him only as a medium built African American male who was approximately 5’11 or so. He had on a black and green racing jacket and other than that no other distinguishing marks.

I was generously donated counseling sessions and EMDR sessions. I was diagnosed with PTSD , the feeling on the right side of my face has never come back and my life changed but I refused to believe it. I still had the attitude that “I am fine”, or “I’ll figure it out”.

Later that year, my body also decided that it did not like food anymore and in less than 24 hours my eating habits had to change drastically or I would not be walking.

Fast forward 2 years, the opportunity to further the ministry by buying a Pizza Place was placed in our laps. With “some” prayer but more importantly statements like this: “Lets just walk and if God does not want us to do it…..” and yes I am being facetious when I said “but more importantly…”

Now it is 2015 and I can honestly say ” I am very grateful everyday to be alive”.

The years 2013 and 2014 held some very dark times for me. I have written about some of them previously. But God… He had a different ending for me. In February 2015, He allowed us to sell the restaurant. We are now at the end of April and I can feel my body starting to heal. Part of my healing though, was to admit that I had a problem. And that problem was the attitude of “I am fine” or “I’ll figure it out”.

I can honestly say “I am NOT fine” and “I CAN’T figure it out”… BUT God”.

This past week God took me back to Psalms 69.

Save me, God, for the water has risen to my neck. I have sunk in deep mud, and there is no footing; I have come into deep waters, and a flood sweeps over me. I am weary from my crying; my throat is parched. My eyes fail, looking for my God

Most people read these verses and get the idea of what the picture the writer of Psalms is trying to portray.

Until you have been there and have come out the other side you don’t realize just how much these 3 verses become your prayer.

Over and over and over when I was in my darkest time I would cry out “Save me, God! The water has risen and I am sinking… the mud has me stuck and its pulling me out further and further. I am so tired of crying and my throat hurts from screaming and Lord I do not see You… are You even there? Do You even care?”

Because I don’t let people into my life, I keep people at bay, and when asked “How are you” I give them my go to answer of ” I am fine” or “I’ll figure it out”; this is where it could end badly for most.

I am very fortunate that I have a husband, who may not always be in-tuned to everything all the time… but when it counts God does prompt him to take control and get to the bottom of the issue. That was this day. He falsely got me into the van and drove me straight to our Pastors office. I was on the brink of an emotional breakdown and so stuck in this helpless feeling that driving my van off the roadway was looking like the most plausible answer.

As I sat on the couch I cried uncontrollably.

My natural tendency is to be a caregiver, but with PTSD, I can’t always go and do what I did prior to the attack and with that comes a feeling of not being whole.

This not feeling whole creates a helpless, hopeless feeling which because depression is very common with PTSD, just creates a deeper helpless, hopeless feeling. I then got caught up into this cycle and by the time I reached the couch of our Pastors office I was a basket case.

I felt helpless.

I felt hopeless.

I felt like I was a bad Christian.

I felt like I was a bad missionary.

I had all these thoughts filtering into my head… I did not need Satan’s help, I was sabotaging myself real well, because I kept hearing “you are in full time ministry suck it up and act as if nothing is wrong”, which just added to the hopeless, helpless feeling.

What I learned sitting on that couch was that David, a man after Gods own heart… struggled just as much, if not more than I.

So where did I go from here.

First I realized that it is OK, NOT to be everything for everyone all the time.

Boundaries is a word that I had to learn and am still learning.

I realized that I needed to take care of myself.

I learned to speak up for myself. Telling my husband how I truly felt so he was not blindsided when I was crying uncontrollably.

I am learning how to control the PTSD and not let it control me. ( I am still working on this one. It is a process because for many years I have said “I am fine”, “I’ll figure it out”.)

But the most important thing is knowing that even the greats in the Bible dealt with this and they knew that even though they did not feel God right then and there… they knew His promises were the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. They knew He was true to His word.

I lift my eyes toward the mountains. Where will my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth. Psalms 121

Because of the LORD’s faithful love we do not perish, for His mercies never end.
They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness!
I say: The LORD is my portion, therefore I will put my hope in Him ~ Lamentations 3

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