Been there Done That

Glass Frogs

Last night I had a dream and here it is.

It was winter, I know this because the pipes had busted. There was water everywhere, but yet, I followed him around. All I wanted was for “him” to cut my hair. Even though I knew in my heart of hearts, he wasn’t going to cut it.

There was a group in a side room.

They said it was Christian, but it felt different.

I still followed him from room to room in hopes of getting my hair cut.

I didn’t feel threatened or in danger.

Something was off, but it was dark, wet and dreary.  And I didn’t want to leave because I wanted my hair cut.

My socks were wet from all the water that filled the floor. I remember walking into a part of the house, the concrete had sunk. There were people laying on the cold wet ground, fetching frogs. They were clear frogs, I remember distinctly their legs… The little pointy circles as toes and their feet were overly webbed.

Then he touched my breast. I ran away.

Then I woke up.

It didn’t make sense while it was going on, but as I journaled a few things came to the surface. I felt compelled to share it, and maybe it’ll be helpful to someone else.

I woke up remembering this vivid dream.. I also remember it was in color. The frogs were clear but greenish and reddish. The guy was wearing a red shirt and black pants.

I got out my pen and started journaling, asking God to speak to me. I have found that when a dream bothers me or is that vivid, that God has a message for me. Here is what I found flowing as I allowed the Spirit the freedom to speak.

  • I really need to run away at the first sign of discerning red flags but I wait, until something goes bad, then I have to flee.
  • Lord it wasn’t anyone’s fault. I was vulnerable and had a hole in my heart that wanted to affirmed and filled.

Then I found myself praying

  • Lord fill my hole in my heart with even more of your love.
  • Allow me to walk away and not put myself into situations.

As I talked the dream through with my husband, I realized how many times I still do this with work and relationships.

There are red flags.

I should run away, but I think for whatever reason they are the only ones who can “cut my hair”.

Hopefully you have realized that “cutting my hair” is a metaphor for, in my case, love, attention, getting to the next level in work, whatever “it” may be.

But the frogs, why the frogs?

I googled the frogs that were in my dream. And here is a picture of the frog I dreamt of.  It is called a glass frog.

This got me to start thinking.

Glass! Fragile! Handle with care.

And then I remembered hearing that FROG stood for Forever Relying On God.

As I grow in my relationship with the Lord, I find myself in awe at how many times I still allow myself to be pulled into the lure of what others, I think, can offer me.

People will fail us. We will fail people.

God has given me a gift of a discerning spirit, but even as important, God gave me a life partner in my husband who has the ultimate gift of discernment, and I really need to start listening more instead of allowing my flesh to lead.

How my past affects my present

As I continue my journey of Renewing my Mind

Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—His good, pleasing and perfect will. Romans 12:1-2 (NIV)

 

and asking God to show me His truth versus the lies I have lived with for many years, today I had another Aha moment.

Fear of Rejection and or Abandonment. 

I realized that another learned behavior of mine is fear.

For this blog I want to talk about the fear of abandonment and rejection.

As I was reading this morning it said that when you  have this fear of abandonment and rejection then you are susceptible to looking for a meaningful identity outside of a true and complete relationship with God.

As I was praying I found God saying, “I need to you to read that in regards to all aspects of your life, not just as words written on a page.”

Immediately I saw how this fear could allow people to get into relationships that are abusive.  My immediate thought was of those who get into domestic abuse situations, but God said, “look beyond.”

As I was pondering this, I was taken to a post I had written earlier called “who are you hitching your cart to?”

It became clear that God wanted me to see that because of a fear of abandonment and rejection, that I was still carrying with me from years ago, I was making business decisions based upon the lens of my past.  You see when you have abandonment and rejection as part of your story, you may put your blinders on not just in personal relationships, but also in business relationships in order to find a meaningful identity.  The red flags may be so obvious that a toddler even knows there is danger, but because of your lens of the past, you push them to the side and run even faster in order to be accepted by someone; anyone.

Just last week I was talking with a friend and recounting how many times I have prayed, no scratch that, I told God what I thought was best and then made the plans to do my plan. I told this young lady that I have learned that sometimes God allows you to have it your way, because He is tired of listening to you whine about it.

Today, I have come to realize that maybe it wasn’t God giving in, it was me looking for a meaningful identity outside of a true and complete relationship with God.

I know I also need to thank God that He did not leave me nor forsake me even in my pursuit of trying to find my identity in something else besides Him.

So as I pray through my “action plan” for 2018, I have a new filter: Does this bring me closer or farther away from my identity in God?

Satan will no longer take me hostage

 

 

I suffer from Asthma which is induced by food allergies. Over the past few years, I went from “yes you have food allergies, but you should be able to add things back into your diet; to I am sorry, now you can’t have… and the list gets added to.

To date I have to stay away from:

  • Gluten
  • Dairy
  • Eggs
  • Corn
  • Soy
  • Safflower/ Sunflower
  • Refined sugars
  • Peanuts

 

I have had doctors tell me:

Your body needs to rest

You need to heal

You are too stressed out

You have adrenal fatigue.

You need to take care of you.

 

So for the past few months, I have tried to lay low and to care for myself, especially when I was told, “you need to get rid of the stress or the stress will get rid of you.”

I was also told during this time that my food allergies may be the result of stress.

In reality though, I did not understand what any of that meant. No one was banging down my door to tell me what to do in a way that I understood it, so I muddled through the best I could.

It became apparent that I needed to figure out something because my asthma attacks were getting more and more frequent. So we made arrangements to change the way we did ministry; allowing me to REST.

But problems can become apparent when you allow your body to REST.  You may find out there are more layers of UNREST below and it rises to the surface.

This happened on October 7th.  I was teaching in my hometown in Michigan.  I did not think anything of it, but I guess my body did.  By the time the training was over, my neck was hurting.  It got so bad that I couldn’t sleep well, I had to hold my head to turn it while I was laying down and I had to hold the back of my neck just to swallow without pain.

By Wednesday I was in so much pain that I finally went to the Urgent Care Clinic.  I needed relief.  I still had one more training before I would be able to get home.   The Doctor said there was nothing wrong with me medically, but my neck was in knots, so she gave me a steroid shot, a prescription for a major steroid, a muscle relaxer and sent me on my way.

I was grateful for modern medicine but I also knew that I needed my chiropractor back home.

The rest of the trip went OK thanks to the steroids, but as soon as I was done with them and they were out of my system, it was back to the same level of pain.

I got in to see my chiropractor that week, he adjusted my neck and it started to feel a little better.

On October 24th, it was flared up and I was living on the muscle relaxers and pain relievers, so back to the chiropractor I went. As the doctor started checking me, he adjusted my back and did a few things through reflexology, but he never adjusted my neck.  He sat me up, looked at me and said “Meredith, there is nothing wrong with your neck. It is all stress related.  It is what I call a psychosomatic response. It’s all in your head.”

What? No! There has to be a medical reason.  Food allergy.  Something.  Not a psychosomatic response.  I was working so hard for the past few months to reduce my stress, because this is the same doctor who told me that if I did not reduce my stress, it would be reduced for me when my body shut down.

As I was on my way home, I texted my mom, “The verdict is in… its stress”.   When I was in Michigan earlier that month she told me it sounded like stress, and I answered, I have no stress.

The rest of the evening Rob and I started talking through things.  My childhood. Our marriage.

As we were talking, I wouldn’t have to say yes or no that did or did not bother me, my body did it for me. These talks turned into me having an ugly cry face, but I went to bed that night for the first time in 17 days and slept pain free.

You see I am really good at helping others figure out their life. Over the past 15 years, I have been working on myself, but only in a form of teaching and using my story to free others.  In September I was given a self-study that was geared toward healing my body.

On November 16th, a blog came out about what self care really means. Click here to read it

In this blog there were a couple of things that stood out. The main thing was:

 “how much (anxiety) comes from the way you were being trained to think before you even knew what was happening.”

In our program we teach on this very thing, but we don’t put this way.  For whatever reason, this statement hit me like a lead balloon.  I got out my journal and started thinking through her statement with The 180 Programs diagrams and my past.  Listening to the lies of satan through the voice of my step dad.  I believed what he said about me then and unfortunately I was allowing his words to shape my current thinking.

As I read and re-read the blog, I realized I was allowing the antics of satan to tell me that I was not good enough and that I was not being healed because I did not have enough faith.  I was also allowing my “lens of life” to be one that unfortunately still had the blurred lines of lies that I was trained to believe.

The day after I read this, I was able to journal my thoughts and feelings, God brought a woman into my life and she led me in a one-on-one prayer of self-reflection.  During this prayer time I was directed to events that were troublesome. I was then directed to just talk it out.  When I was finished talking, she would ask Jesus to tell me where He was in all of this.  What were the lies. Where was the truth?  As I sat in the room with a total stranger, I wept until I could cry no more, but I felt free.

For quite a while I have been praying for healing.  I was asking for healing from my food allergies… but what I realized was God healed me from something greater.

When I woke up this morning, I realized I was happy.  I have been asking God to make me happy in my journal for a long time.  I had not realized how many lies I was still allowing to engulf my daily life. I was still allowing satan to take me hostage in my own thought life.  It was subtle, but I realized how I framed my questions, how I framed statements, how I allowed the voices from my past to become the lens I walked my daily life through, and they were keeping me in bondage of fear.

Today I choose to walk with a renewed mind.  I will work to see myself through lenses of a loving Jesus.  He may choose to allow something bad to happen again, in fact I’m sure I will face difficulties, but I will not let those events be the lens that I filter my tomorrow through.

I have a choice and so do you.

Asthma, do I have any less Faith?

For the past couple of years I have struggled with asthmatic symptoms.

At times it has gotten so bad that I would sit in a chair all night sipping hot tea or black coffee just to keep my airways open until I could reach an urgent care facility in the morning. You see my flair ups never happen during regular business hours. 


Recently,  I was told it was a stronghold on me and I needed to find out what it was in my past that was creating the asthma. 

As much as I agree with strongholds and how much havoc they can create in our human bodies; I also know that sometimes God allows us to keep our “thorn”, and we must learn what it means to rely on Gods strength. Paul is a great example in 2 Corinthians 12 he says this:

Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.  That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong….

So what if God does not supernaturally heal me?

Do I have any less faith?

Do I quit praying?

Do I quit seeking?

As I was doing a study that was to help guide me through breaking free from whatever it is that is creating my allergies and the asthma, I became very disheartened by the fact they pulled scriptures out of context to say the least.

But just like God does, He wanted me to see something else;  as I was doing this study, it referenced  Mark 11:23 it says:

“Have faith in God,” Jesus answered.  “Truly I tell you, if anyone says to this mountain, ‘Go, throw yourself into the sea,’ and does not doubt in their heart but believes that what they say will happen, it will be done for them.

Sounds amazing right? I was thinking I am going to start reciting this day and night back to the Lord… It’s a promise and I am going to stand on it. But just as God does, He said continue reading.

Mark 11:24-25 says:

Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.  And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.”

You see we want the promise without the work.  For me I was mentally preparing my list.. And I was like “yep, I am good”…until I was preparing to write a blog for another website.

As I was writing, I realized I was still holding grudges about a lost childhood, how I was hurt by the church and even bitterness I didn’t know I had. I was allowing satan, even 2, 3, 4, and 5 decades later to still pull the chains.

To me it wasn’t a in your face blatant “hold against you”… It was more about holding onto nuggets of my past so that I could use my story to reach more people. That doesn’t sound so bad.. Right?

Let me explain.  We are hearing more and more “we all have a story to tell”, but when we re-create the story to be more focused on the negative it created versus the positive that came from it, we allow satan to have power over our thoughts which turn into words.  By allowing Satan to have power over our thoughts, we are holding onto the past and not allowing ourselves the freedom to say to that mountain “Go through yourself into the sea, and it will be done”.

So I have a choice today as I tell my story, do I give satan the privilege of allowing the negative words to be heard?

If I do, this could create a victim mindset support group where no one heals, but continually lives the past in order to “hold against” the people and ultimately the Lord.

Catch 22

This is a repost from my old blog site (the180program.blogspot.com) but it has been my heart recently as I have seen once again people who are giving up becuase they think its easier or its the only way.

The truth is……

Most of the men and women we work with are not considered law abiding citizens.

Let me give you an example of a catch 22.

A lady gets out of jail and we are working diligently with her to get a job.  She says she has an old friend that can help and given some of her circumstances we say ok.

After working a few days we start asking questions because he has already helped her and we need his help again.

She stalls and avoids the questioning, finally she comes out and tells us that he is expecting payment for helping.  Sexual payment.  Now I am connecting the dots.  He used to be her pimp.

Ok so lets find a new way…

When you are out trying to do things right it takes a while to reprogram “debilitating mentalities”.  All the while you are trying to change you still have to fight daily the demons of your past that don’t want you to have a better future.

Today I wake up to a message that things have gone badly.  She thought she was going to a friends that was safe (usually safe for those we work with means you did not use with them, have sex with them or any other illegal activity with them, even though they do that, you just never did it with them). Well someone else also came over and he held her hostage, raped her and beat her.

For most, the logical choice is to call the police.

But not so much for those who are just NOW becoming law abiding citizens.

You see somewhere in their mind of demons and debilitating mentalities…. She is hearing….

“You did something to deserve this”

“No one will believe you because you’re just a prostitute”.

“You call the police, they won’t believe you, look at your rap sheet”.

So the truth is….. Trying to change takes a new village.  It takes lots of “healthy people”, walking daily and not judging.

The hardest part in walking with someone is to know when “their excuses” are just an excuse to not change, because change is hard and brings responsibility and they are not ready for the success that change will bring.

And the second thing is when walking with someone and they “slip up, relapse, go to their old behaviors”… To not judge so harshly that you say “screw this, you’re not worth my time”, and walk away.

Your relationship may change, but we don’t add to the shame by saying “I knew you’d mess up.  I knew you couldn’t do it”.

That does not help anyone get healthy.

If you are someone who is walking in relationship with someone that fits this model, and you would like more information on how to effectively minister to them please fill out the following form:

Craigslist: Father for sale

  Supposedly this ad was on Craigslist, which made its way to Facebook. As I read this ad, I did the little nervous giggle, you know the one that says, “oh, I can’t believe they said that.”  I then felt compelled to write this blog because in reality these are the very children that your children play with every day, or even played with years ago. You may even be friends with the family and it won’t be until years later when some big event happens that you will say: “I would have never known.” or “Where was I, I thought we were friends?”

 

We cannot turn back the hands on the clock to magically start over when we were born. Nor can we start over yesterday. But what we can do, is decide tomorrow how we will live.  

Now that the venom has been spewed, I am not sure that this person feels much better today, because the challenge is that even though we wrote out our anger, we  are still US and the events of our past, including words spoken over us, will affect our tomorrow.

 We have a choice though, will your tomorrow, have positive or negative actions?

I am sorry this is how this father is.  That is his temperament, that is his choice. Unfortunately though this is probably one of those ads where many will say “oh, I didn’t know your dad and mine were related.” 

We have a choice though, will we allow him and his actions to affect us and the rest of our lives?  The answer usually is YES, becuase we never see that there is another way. We say we will never grow up to be just like so and so, but the reality is we end up becoming just like so and so.  

To the person who wrote this ad or to the person who would like to have written this ad, you have to understand that yes all that has been said, all the letdowns, all the sorry’s that were never said or that were said and not meant, are a part of your life.

They happened and we cannot change that.  But tomorrow is a new day, you have a choice: do you allow all this to dictate the REST of your life in a positive or a negative fashion.  

More times than not, we allow all of this to accumulate and we are a freight-train that has lost control but we just don’t know it yet. That is a cycle called letting life happen.  This cycle gets it start when we continue to hear words like “You’re not good enough”. “You’ll never be pretty enough or skinny enough.” “You are going to be just like so and so.” “You’re a good for nothing, $%&ch.”

Whatever those words are or sayings are that you hear or heard, they become part of you.  They unfortunately become part of your expectation in life. Then it goes down hill real fast when you couple that with low self-esteem, and if you are a female, then you can find yourself in relationships that are toxic or dysfunctional in themselves. 

We have bought the lie that sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never harm me. 

Words impact us much longer than a broken arm or leg. Words are associated with times a day, years or even seasons. We can be many miles away or the person may have even passed on, but that word… that smell… that vehicle…. that mannerism…. can all trigger in our subconscious a memory and before we know it… we are angry…. we are hurt…. we are in that event that caused us so much pain. All those nasty emotions that you thought you had forgotten, come back up with a vengeance. You lash out at whoever is nearby.  

So how do we change this and how do we make life happen for us?  First thing is to forgive.

Forgiveness is to cease to have resentment against. To pardon an offense or an offender.  

I am not saying you have to become best buds and start hanging out.  What I am saying though, is that this forgiveness is more about you, the person becoming whole and allowing yourself the freedom to be free from all the expectations that this person had placed on you by the words they spoke to and over you. 

If you are ready to try the forgiveness thing, here is a conversation that needs to be had by you to God. 

God, I am so tired of these feelings.  I am so tired of feeling like this.  Daddy, please I ask that you will allow me to lay this person and (name all the offenses) at Your feet.  I am so tired of carrying around this aggression.  I want to be freed from the bondage that this person (name here) still has over me.  Daddy, free me today from this anger. May I forgive (name of person) and if I ever start to think about this event again or these offenses, may I be reminded that You Daddy love me so and You gave me (insert whatever place, thing like a butterfly, a deer, a bunny… etc, that you see that God has used to remind you that He loves you more) to remind me that You are so much bigger than (this offense) and that I will live today basking in Your love instead of the dread of the burden. 

Now redo that prayer and put your name in there as the person to forgive.  You need to forgive yourself in order to start healing from your past. 

Now that you have worked through that, and it may take you multiple times of working through that, now is the time to ask yourself:  

What do I want for me?

Who do I want to be?

What expectation do I want to live up to?

 

After you have asked those questions to yourself for yourself… what ACTION steps do you need to take?

1)____________________________________________

2)____________________________________________

3)____________________________________________

Now that you have your action steps what EVENTS do you see happening from those ACTIONS? 

To the one who wrote that ad for real or to the one who just wrote it in your head,  are you still living by those expectations that were laid out for you by an authority figure? The expectations that created an angry person who doesn’t know who she or he is anymore because they have fallen into the trap of “this is all my life has to offer, so why try?” 

Don’t allow satan to keep you there.  You are worth so much more…. believe me, I know… because I could have written that ad years ago, from a very angry teenager. 

Being alone in a Dark Place

Do you remember a time when you were in a dark place?

Dark PlaceDid you have anyone you could really talk to about the truth?

I have had dark days, maybe even a dark week or two…but 2013-14 were probably 2 of my darkest years.

Here are 2 of my status from this date in 2013

 

“I covet your prayers. The past 2 months have finally caught up to me.  To tell you how bad it has been…. I still have wet clothes sitting in a broken down washing machine, my oil change was due over 6 thousand miles ago…. And I am the person that as soon as I hit 5 thousand I get my oil changed. Then to top it off we got hit with another doozie yesterday….  And we also have to be out of our office by Thursday…I know the verses “all things work together for the good…..”and resting in the fact that Satan had to get permission before any of this happened.  I wish I had a crystal ball to see the end, but right now I feel I have nothing left to give.  Thank you for your prayers.”

“You know you must be bad if the technician at Jiffy Lube asked if you were ok”

These statuses were 10 months into owning a restaurant that we bought for the sole purpose of helping people get back on their feet.

We did not buy it to become a huge corporation and make lots of money, we used it as a training site so people who were reentering the workforce could have a safe place to learn things like integrity, perseverance, reliability etc…

Here is the reasoning behind that dark time.

We surely thought that there would be many on board to support the restaurant because we were helping people to get back on their feet and become productive members of society.

Well unfortunately this was farthest from the truth.

We did not gain business that we thought would be a no brainer.  Some of the reasoning’s were we could not beat the fast food pizza prices and also because we sold beer.

We were also told by people because we had “those” people working for us they would never come back. And they didn’t.  They would park in front of our store every week and walk to the Chinese restaurant.

We also did field trips and because we had “felons” work for us this certain group that took federal funding could not come back ever. Really?

Then when we did raise our prices to cover the rising cost of food, people got even more upset.

Let me give you one example.  Cheese.  When we started a box of cheese cost $50/ box, by the time we sold it, the same box of cheese cost $90/box.  And that was just one item, but it goes on EVERY pizza.

And to top it off, the ministry lost 30% of its funding.

During this time, I was alone and needed support.

There were days where I could have given up, driving home I would think “just run the van into this ditch, or this pole… No one would care and I will be out of this darkness.”

This was a dark time, but when you do ministry you cannot be honest. You have to smile and make believe everything is amazing and greaYou OK?t.

I am grateful that I did not allow satan to win. I am grateful I am on this side of that darkness. Many unfortunately do not make it to this side of the darkness. Please be in tuned to those ministry leaders you support. To those people you call friends. Watch for warnings of darkness, burn out and compassion fatigue. Be a true friend and don’t accept their answer of “I’ll be ok” or “it’ll be ok.”

If you are a ministry leader and have never heard of compassion fatigue, please look into it. Here is a link to a test by the  Compassion Fatigue Awareness Project ©

**if you are in ministry and don’t feel you have any one to talk to please reach out to someone**

If you are a Ministry Leader and would like my husband and I to pray for you please fill out this form.

 

Jesus wants to know the stripper

This is a re-post from a blog I did in 2012

Today I woke up with a heart ache.

I could not get out of my mind the women and moms who are working in our adult entertainment district. God has laid them on my heart to pray for their safety.  I cannot say that he has had me pray that they will get out of the industry but to pray they stay safe.  I know you are right about now saying “get me this women’s phone number. She has gone off the deep end”, but before you stone me hear me out.

As an organization we have worked with many women who have worked in the Adult entertainment industry. To sit down and listen to their stories would make you cry… Why, why did you only see this as your only option?

About 2 years ago I was running a Job Readiness Program and the State sent clients that were on Families First to my class.  I had a young women that was not only about to lose all her benefits for her and her children (food stamps and healthcare) but someone was threatening to call DCS because she was not providing the basics for her children.

She tried and tried to get a job but at that time jobs were a little harder to come by.  One day after class she approached me and said, “I hear what you are saying, but right now I need to make some money.”

For the next 20 minutes I sat down and just listened to the heart of a mom who wanted more than anything to stand on her own two feet.  She loved her kids and would do anything not to have them taken away.  She had walked away from an abusive boyfriend and was trying NOT to rely on a “guy” for anything.  She wanted to make it on her own.

I started asking questions about what she used to do before she moved here.  She told me she was a stripper.  I think she was waiting for me to say “Oh No, you can NEVER do that again”; but instead I just listened. I did not want to make her feel any lower than she already did.

I heard from her the next day when she did not show up for class, she had a job and she was providing for her and her children.  Was the job the most ideal?  NO, but she was not relying on an abusive boyfriend to make sure she was taken care of.

Why do I tell you this story?  Well as I was driving up 65 North into Franklin today my mind started wandering to 15 years ago this month when my not so perfect marriage started going awry.  My husband was unhappy and had started having an emotional affair with my best friend.  I was just beside myself when that day came and he said to me “I just don’t love you anymore”.  We started separating things and he started paying child support.  I got the house but with me not working what was I to do?

I had been a stay at home mom and had no marketable job skills.  My self-esteem took a plunge which in turn started a very quick downward spiral.  How could this be happening, we went to church every time the doors were open, we participated in every event, even organized them.; kids choir and Bible bowl were my Sunday afternoons.  Now I am sitting in the bathroom asking “how am I going to make ends meet”.

I needed money fast and knew that going through the paper, to interviews and trying to put on a show that everything was ok was NOT going to work.  So what is a girl to do?  Oh I know, I had just lost a lot of weight and looked pretty good, so let me find out where the local Strip Clubs are and I will learn to swing around a pole.

You see, emergency mode is what I was in.  I needed to provide for my 3 children and fast easy money was how I was going to make it.

Now back to why my “heart aches” for the women that are in this industry? Because that could have very easily been me; Someone’s daughter, someone’s mother, someone’s Aunt, someone’s sister.  Every one of those ladies has a different story as to why…. But in our busyness of the day do we really want to sit down and get to know “the local stripper”?

Jesus does…

 

My heart still aches for the women who see this as their only option.  If you know of young woman in this profession, please get them my information.  I would love to talk with them and equip them and empower them. star fish

Traditions and trip ups- Not allowing PTSD, anxiety and depression dictate your holiday.

There was a couple who had recently gotten married and were celebrating their first holiday by having everyone over for dinner.

As she was preparing the ham she cut off the ends and placed it in the pan to cook. Her husband walked in and saw the ends sitting there, he asked: “why did you cut the ends off?”

“I don’t know, it’s just the way my mom always did it.”

As the ham was cooking the young wife calls her mother, to ask why she cut off the ends of the ham.

Her mother chuckles, and says, “because I didn’t have a pan big enough to cook the ham”.

Traditions and trip ups- Not allowing PTSD, anxiety and depression dictate your holiday.

 

In 2011 I was the target of a gang attack. As a result of the attack, I was offered counseling, and therapy.  During this time, I was diagnosed with PTSD, but I was also opening lots of worms from my childhood and the abuse I endured as a teenager.

Through all of this, I realized that I was allowing traditions to trip up my holidays by triggering my PTSD, anxiety and depression.

So where did this start:

Growing up I used to love Christmas. Christmas was filled with snow, lots of it.

It was filled with a fresh tree and lots of homemade sugar cookies with homemade frosting.

It also was more importantly filled with Grandma, Grandpa, aunts, uncles and cousins.

You would wake up to see what Santa brought you, then rush to grandmas house.

There was piano playing, singing and the cousins would get our ice skates and head to the swamp to skate on the pond.

There were no cell phones or technology just the outdoors and a “be home by dusk”.

The evening was finished with homemade chocolate malts.

Then my childhood as I loved, came to a crashing  HALT!

My mom and dad got divorced, my mom remarried and my grandmother (who I did EVERYTHING with) at age 55 was diagnosed and died of leukemia in less than a month.

Now, Christmas looked like this:

No laughter, No one hurrying to grandmas, and to top it off pack your bags before we go because your dad is coming to get you.

It went from bad to worse….fast forward to my getting married and moving 600 plus miles away.

We went home once and never went back. I couldn’t explain it, but I had no desire to be pulled here and there.

Now that I have kids who have kids, I so badly wanted to replicate my memories of the “Norman Rockwell” Christmas traditions that I grew up with, but that came at a price…my anxiety and depression were at an all time high and worse yet, I could not wait for January 1st so this “Scrooge like” person would go away.

Epic fail every year. Again not knowing that I was allowing my yearning for a tradition to trip up my holidays by triggering my PTSD, anxiety and depression.

So what started the change was 3 years ago…. We finally decided to go home for Christmas.  The kids all had places to go and be so we went home to Michigan.

On the drive back  home to Tennessee,  I told my husband we can go home again, but NOT during the holiday season. That’s when it hit me like a ton of bricks.  As I was trying to recreate traditions and make everyone happy during the holiday, I was made painfully aware that I CANT do that for my own well-being.  And I have to be OK with NOT being at every family function or worse yet trying to recreate the tradition.

Two years ago, we became empty-nesters, and I had to make a conscious decision to no longer allow the traditions to trip me up, become full of anxiety, fall into deep depression and a SCROOGE.

I had to give myself permission to start over with NEW TRADITIONS.

So here are a few ideas I have come up with:

Don’t keep yourself so busy that you don’t have to think about the holiday

Do come up with new things for you and your family to do

Acknowledge the holidays, but be OK with the change that you want to do

Don’t feel guilty for NOT doing a tradition; especially if that tradition creates a trigger for your PTSD, anxiety and or depression.

Realizing that boundaries are a key part of keeping your sanity

Learning what your triggers are and saying “NO” to those things that flare up your anxiety, PTSD etc

Start NEW traditions.

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As a woman who speaks life into women all day, why can we advise, instruct others to change and live life free, but we have a hard time granting ourselves the same freedom?

 

 

Whats your little white pill?

As she walked down the long corridor, her hand naturally touched her hair.  KiKi, her hairdresser had out done herself this time.

Jay started going through her mental checklist, but she could feel the stares.

Before making their grand entrance into the ball room, Jay turned to the mirror hanging on the wall and quickly took inventory.

Smile… check

Lipstick…. check

Running her hand down her dress she felt the strong hand of her husband on the small of her back.  His push was a little firmer  than usual.

Did he suspect anything, she thought?

He leaned in and with a whisper said, “Lets go, its showtime”.

Turning ever so elegantly she took his arm and started counting down the seconds till she could excuse herself to the restroom.

Clutching her little black bag, she could feel the prescription bottle.  Jays whole body started to ache for that euphoric feeling that that little white pill would give her.   Jay first had to fulfill her duties of the customary handshakes and hugs that were required of her as the wife of such a prestigious businessman.

 

How does one get here, when you have everything the world has to offer?

Maybe it was a simple surgery and they sent you home on medication.  After the healing process started, you became afraid of any pain so you simply asked for more.

Its now 9 months after the surgery and you find that this little white pill has become your world.

You may attempt a day or two with out the little white pill… but then the demands of daily life, the demands of keeping up with schedules and events is just easier with a little white pill.

At least that is what your mind tells you.  That is until your doctor suspects a problem and confronts you.

Your world comes crashing in when your doctor says no more.

You now find yourself the wife of a prestigious businessman, on the streets trying every avenue to find that little white pill.

 

You may think this is not your story because its not a “little white pill” that is your crutch to get through the day.

But ask yourself this; what “pill” or “alcohol” is it that I am using to get through the day?

Remember just becuase something maybe “legal” if it is being used to “get through the day” you need to seek help.

But remember the “pill, alcohol etc” is just a result of a deeper issue; so make sure you work all the way back to the root cause.

I have heard from many over the years as they sat across from me in an orange or black and white jumpsuit:  “I can’t believe it  had to get to here for God to get my attention”.