Domestic violence

Ensure Your Foundation is Stable

The neighborhood I reside in is extremely active with new construction. Seemingly overnight a vacant lot will be transformed into a three bedroom, two bath living space for a new homeowner to start making memories. 

Burrowing Owl

A particular home sits on a corner lot. One day it was a Burrowing Owl habitat and now it proudly displays the newest home that was built in our neighborhood. I know this because I can see it from my front yard but I also have walked past this corner at least five days a week since I moved in almost eighteen months ago. 

The yard had been graded and the workers were there to install the beautiful paver driveway.  Not even a month had gone by when we had a torrential downpour. Not thinking anything about it, I went for a walk the following day and just as I do every other time, I passed this house. A portion of the driveway had fallen into a newly created sinkhole. 

Newly Paved Driveway

Partially fixed

As the days passed the hole in the driveway sat there, continuing to get worse as the rain came and nothing had been done to repair the problem. Finally someone had come out to regrade the yard, but the driveway was still sporting a hole. It took about two more weeks when finally the hole was fixed but there was a mess of what looked like concrete coming out from under the driveway onto the newly graded yard. 

I cringe to think what problems the new homeowner will have with the driveway because the problem was covered up with a quick fix instead of looking for the main cause. 

Fixed Driveway

As I watched this scenario play out with the newly constructed home, it made me think about relationships.

So many times I have witnessed women finally finding their voice and getting out of a relationship that is toxic and dysfunctional but they didn’t take time to fix the foundation (themselves). The loneliness was too much to bear so at the first sign of someone paying attention to them, they jumped into a new relationship or even an old one with the hopes of a different outcome. 

I can’t tell you how many times I have talked with women and the same statement was said “They said they were sorry.” And within six months, if  it lasted that long, there was another hole that needed repairing. 

The challenge is taking the time to repair ourselves because if we don’t, we will attract the same type of toxic dysfunction over and over again. 

Did you know that on average, it takes a victim seven times to leave before staying away for good and 75% of women will die at the hand of their abuser as they are attempting to leave. 

Also, one out of every three women will be abused at some point in her life.

Why am I so passionate about women finding their voice? 

With my self-worth in the tank as a teen, if God had not intervened, my story would have been written differently. Also in 2011, I was attacked, not by a domestic partner but my injuries were the same as  two women who were acquaintances of a friend, they were attacked by their domestic partners. They weren’t as fortunate as I to have lived.  They both were trying to get out of their situation and became part of the 75%. 

This is why I am so passionate about helping women find their voice. 

Finding your voice isn’t just about getting out of an abusive relationship, it is about finding your self-worth in who God says you are. 

As I became involved in our local church, I would have women remind me of God’s love, but I was advised that simply reading the Bible would solve everything. However, the real issue was that no one demonstrated how to truly connect with God or make His teachings relevant to my daily challenges. Instead, they just urged me to sort it out on my own.

This is why I love showing women how using God’s Word helps you live a transformed life. And to quote my husband it is not out of a legalistic requirement but an irresistible response for what He has done for us. 

The process isn’t an easy one and it requires a lot of sacrifice. 

Many times, it involves unlearning a behavior that you once believed to be normal from your upbringing. Transforming destructive patterns into healthy loops requires significant effort. You also have to realize that you didn’t just get into this lifestyle, it took years, so perseverance is required as you retrain your brain. 

My life’s purpose is to empower women with knowledge, enabling them to embrace their true identity as defined by God and live authentically for Him. 

Glass Frogs

Last night I had a dream and here it is.

It was winter, I know this because the pipes had busted. There was water everywhere, but yet, I followed him around. All I wanted was for “him” to cut my hair. Even though I knew in my heart of hearts, he wasn’t going to cut it.

There was a group in a side room.

They said it was Christian, but it felt different.

I still followed him from room to room in hopes of getting my hair cut.

I didn’t feel threatened or in danger.

Something was off, but it was dark, wet and dreary.  And I didn’t want to leave because I wanted my hair cut.

My socks were wet from all the water that filled the floor. I remember walking into a part of the house, the concrete had sunk. There were people laying on the cold wet ground, fetching frogs. They were clear frogs, I remember distinctly their legs… The little pointy circles as toes and their feet were overly webbed.

Then he touched my breast. I ran away.

Then I woke up.

It didn’t make sense while it was going on, but as I journaled a few things came to the surface. I felt compelled to share it, and maybe it’ll be helpful to someone else.

I woke up remembering this vivid dream.. I also remember it was in color. The frogs were clear but greenish and reddish. The guy was wearing a red shirt and black pants.

I got out my pen and started journaling, asking God to speak to me. I have found that when a dream bothers me or is that vivid, that God has a message for me. Here is what I found flowing as I allowed the Spirit the freedom to speak.

  • I really need to run away at the first sign of discerning red flags but I wait, until something goes bad, then I have to flee.
  • Lord it wasn’t anyone’s fault. I was vulnerable and had a hole in my heart that wanted to affirmed and filled.

Then I found myself praying

  • Lord fill my hole in my heart with even more of your love.
  • Allow me to walk away and not put myself into situations.

As I talked the dream through with my husband, I realized how many times I still do this with work and relationships.

There are red flags.

I should run away, but I think for whatever reason they are the only ones who can “cut my hair”.

Hopefully you have realized that “cutting my hair” is a metaphor for, in my case, love, attention, getting to the next level in work, whatever “it” may be.

But the frogs, why the frogs?

I googled the frogs that were in my dream. And here is a picture of the frog I dreamt of.  It is called a glass frog.

This got me to start thinking.

Glass! Fragile! Handle with care.

And then I remembered hearing that FROG stood for Forever Relying On God.

As I grow in my relationship with the Lord, I find myself in awe at how many times I still allow myself to be pulled into the lure of what others, I think, can offer me.

People will fail us. We will fail people.

God has given me a gift of a discerning spirit, but even as important, God gave me a life partner in my husband who has the ultimate gift of discernment, and I really need to start listening more instead of allowing my flesh to lead.

This is a Prison of my Own Doing

I bought the lie this meme states: there is no healing from emotional abuse.

I’ve actually allowed this lie to dictate most of my life. The problem with living this lie, is that it creates more lies and infiltrates even more of your life, including your health.

There CAN BE healing from emotional abuse, but just like overcoming an addiction, it’s a choice.

The challenge, though, is you will have to break free from the bondage this emotional abuse has created and you have endured.

Is it easy? No

Is it possible? Yes

But you have to do some very hard work.

Another challenge is realizing that many times we like living in our own prison of our own doing. What do I mean?

The abuse is no longer there, but we act like it’s an ongoing thing. We have to change our mindset. We have to be willing to walk out of the prison into the free world. We have to be willing to say, no more does this define me or define my tomorrow.

We also have to learn that just because someone says something with a certain tone or uses a certain phrase, and it triggers a response from a time when the abuse happened, it isn’t necessarily emotional abuse, nor intended to be abusive, it just is just something that happened.

Are these real responses and do they need to be dealt with? Yes, but as you are healing you have a choice! I have a choice!

The problem is we have bought the lie that we don’t have a choice and there is no healing from emotional abuse.

Life is measured in before and after

January 20, 2011 ended up cold and snowing; pretty much like it was this morning, as I sat and wrote this. That morning was cold but beautiful. The sun was out and I had to be in Nashville first thing to teach a class.
I drove to my newly self-appointed parking spot on the side of Albion Street.  I gathered the items I had brought for the mothers, diapers, wipes etc., and made my way back up the street to the facility where the mothers were waiting.

That morning I had also brought my digital camera because we needed a picture of me teaching for a brochure. As the class was ending and I had asked one of the mothers to take a picture while I was finishing up. teach meharry

I said my good byes and told them I would see them next week.

As I walked to my van I was talking to my daughter who was in college 90 minutes from Nashville. At 11:29am we said our good byes and by 11:32am, I was calling 9-1-1, because I had just been attacked.

Today is the 5th anniversary of that attack, and it still is a very real part of who I am.  As I sat down to do my quiet time this morning I realized that God has quite a sense of humor.  I started my quiet time by praying and my prayer this morning went something like this “God, thanks to PREA (Prison Rape Elimination Act), I can’t get into jails and prisons like I used to under the victims awareness program, so why again did I have to go through the attack?”

To give the backstory to that prayer: 18 months after the attack, I was asked to speak to a group of men in an Ohio Prison. I went under the “Victims Awareness” program.  After I had finished my talk a gentleman approached me and said, “I was praying this morning for a sign from God that He was real and in you walked.”  (He actually knew of the 180 Program that we founded because he had been incarcerated in TN first).

At that moment I understood that God had to allow me to become a victim of a gang attack in order to be allowed to speak in that prison at that time.  But today it’s a different story. With PREA you have to be trained by each individual jail, prison, by that county or state, there are no federal trainings.  Just to give you an idea by the end of January I will have sat in 4 different PREA trainings just so I can continue to teach here locally.

So this morning 5 years later, I was having a pity party. Why did this happen? I opened up Philippians where I have been studying for the past month and I see this verse:

I want you to know brothers and sisters that what has happened to me actually served to
advance the gospel.

 

Today I am alive and I don’t take that lightly. Two women died at the hands of their domestic abusers within 30 days of my attack.  They had the same injuries I had. I do suffer from PTSD and some days are better than others.  Five years later, the right side of my face is always asleep and tingles or twitches. It is very irritating when I try to kiss my husband, but at least I am alive to kiss my husband.

Life is measured in before’s and after’s. I have a daily choice to let the PTSD that I now have control me or I control it.  This year I am looking for a new why?

I may not be allowed into the prisons and jails like I used to be, but God…  He gave me this platform. He allowed me to walk away with just a tingling face and PTSD, so today’s quiet time showed me that this happened to advance Gods Kingdom and now my job is to keep my eyes open for the new where, to answer the why?

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It’s All Your Fault

I have been in several meetings recently where abuse has been brought up in the conversation.

The conversations went something like this: “well, people who are in abusive situations just need to get out. And then they need to learn to not be a victim anymore.” They went on to say “well, they put themselves in that situation”.

If you know anything about me, you know that this made my blood boil.

I asked the question,”what about the child who was abused by an authority figure? Did they chose to be put in that situation? Did they have a choice where their parent or guardian took them?”

The answer is no. They didn’t have a choice and they couldn’t get out.

Victims of abuse usually grow up thinking that somehow the abuse was their fault and that they deserved it. This thinking came from words, but more importantly it came from lack of actions by a parent or authority figure.

The lack of actions could be in the form of phrases like “You know if you would just mind” “You know if you would just stop pushing their buttons” “You know if you would just……”

When these phrases are told to a child, by an adult, create a belief that “I did something to deserve the abuse”.

Listen up! If you are now an adult who was this child…The abuse was NOT your fault.

As an adult, be aware that you may find yourself living in this world of: I don’t deserve a good relationship. I deserve to be unhappy and depressed. Something is wrong with me. And for some, they do end up in abusive relationships.

I have just recently learned that I have allowed too many days to pass me by. I have been allowing these demons that say “it was my fault” to dictate my future. It was NOT my fault then, it is NOT my fault today. What is my fault though, is that I choose to stay in this mindset that “I’m a victim”.

Today I am an adult and I have a choice, do I stay in this dark place of victim-hood, or do I face it head on and say “today is a new day, I know the past happened and I cannot change that, but I can chose to not let it rob me of another day of joy.”

Are you that child, now a grown adult? Please do not let another day go by where your joy is stolen by the demons that say “it’s all your fault”.

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Abuse doesn’t always have a black eye

I agreed to meet her.  Not real sure where she had gotten my name.  Based on her application and her past employment, things were not adding up.

imageHow did she get here on my doorstep? Her address is an affluent neighborhood in Williamson County.  She has a degree and yet she now finds her belongings in the backseat of a vehicle and she prays  every night she gets back to Nashville to get a bed for the evening.image

As we meet and I listen to the last 3 decades of her life, I realize we have a silent killer epidemic going on, it’s called “act as if nothing bad is happening and everything is going great”.

 

It’s a masquerade we all like to play so that we don’t need to add anymore shame and guilt on our plate. The problem is though it is killing people and it seems that no one even cares.

You see there are women living in fear every day right here in our own town. But because of shame and guilt they continue living with the controlling, manipulative, abusive spouse.  You start to believe the words that are being spoken by the abuser “no one will ever believe you”; and especially when the person being abused has no black eye or broken bone, there seems to be little help, so they begin to believe the abuser that no one will believe them and help them escape.

So where do they turn: to suicide.  Failed attempts to rid themselves of the pain; they then find themselves institutionalized for an attempted suicide. Now the abuser comes to the “rescue” at the hospital and becomes the “savior”.  Now with more shame and guilt; no one to believe their story they end up back under the same roof as the manipulating, controlling abuser.

Until one day, enough is enough, and she says there has got to be more. She then finds herself living with her belongings in the backseat and praying for a bed every night.