Marriage

Ensure Your Foundation is Stable

The neighborhood I reside in is extremely active with new construction. Seemingly overnight a vacant lot will be transformed into a three bedroom, two bath living space for a new homeowner to start making memories. 

Burrowing Owl

A particular home sits on a corner lot. One day it was a Burrowing Owl habitat and now it proudly displays the newest home that was built in our neighborhood. I know this because I can see it from my front yard but I also have walked past this corner at least five days a week since I moved in almost eighteen months ago. 

The yard had been graded and the workers were there to install the beautiful paver driveway.  Not even a month had gone by when we had a torrential downpour. Not thinking anything about it, I went for a walk the following day and just as I do every other time, I passed this house. A portion of the driveway had fallen into a newly created sinkhole. 

Newly Paved Driveway

Partially fixed

As the days passed the hole in the driveway sat there, continuing to get worse as the rain came and nothing had been done to repair the problem. Finally someone had come out to regrade the yard, but the driveway was still sporting a hole. It took about two more weeks when finally the hole was fixed but there was a mess of what looked like concrete coming out from under the driveway onto the newly graded yard. 

I cringe to think what problems the new homeowner will have with the driveway because the problem was covered up with a quick fix instead of looking for the main cause. 

Fixed Driveway

As I watched this scenario play out with the newly constructed home, it made me think about relationships.

So many times I have witnessed women finally finding their voice and getting out of a relationship that is toxic and dysfunctional but they didn’t take time to fix the foundation (themselves). The loneliness was too much to bear so at the first sign of someone paying attention to them, they jumped into a new relationship or even an old one with the hopes of a different outcome. 

I can’t tell you how many times I have talked with women and the same statement was said “They said they were sorry.” And within six months, if  it lasted that long, there was another hole that needed repairing. 

The challenge is taking the time to repair ourselves because if we don’t, we will attract the same type of toxic dysfunction over and over again. 

Did you know that on average, it takes a victim seven times to leave before staying away for good and 75% of women will die at the hand of their abuser as they are attempting to leave. 

Also, one out of every three women will be abused at some point in her life.

Why am I so passionate about women finding their voice? 

With my self-worth in the tank as a teen, if God had not intervened, my story would have been written differently. Also in 2011, I was attacked, not by a domestic partner but my injuries were the same as  two women who were acquaintances of a friend, they were attacked by their domestic partners. They weren’t as fortunate as I to have lived.  They both were trying to get out of their situation and became part of the 75%. 

This is why I am so passionate about helping women find their voice. 

Finding your voice isn’t just about getting out of an abusive relationship, it is about finding your self-worth in who God says you are. 

As I became involved in our local church, I would have women remind me of God’s love, but I was advised that simply reading the Bible would solve everything. However, the real issue was that no one demonstrated how to truly connect with God or make His teachings relevant to my daily challenges. Instead, they just urged me to sort it out on my own.

This is why I love showing women how using God’s Word helps you live a transformed life. And to quote my husband it is not out of a legalistic requirement but an irresistible response for what He has done for us. 

The process isn’t an easy one and it requires a lot of sacrifice. 

Many times, it involves unlearning a behavior that you once believed to be normal from your upbringing. Transforming destructive patterns into healthy loops requires significant effort. You also have to realize that you didn’t just get into this lifestyle, it took years, so perseverance is required as you retrain your brain. 

My life’s purpose is to empower women with knowledge, enabling them to embrace their true identity as defined by God and live authentically for Him. 

The Tenth Anniversary… and the unsung hero

Have you ever realized your life consists of specific time frames? 

Before I was married. After I was married. 

Before I had children. After I had children. 

When I was a kid. After I left home. 

Hopefully you get the point. These frames of times can bring a feeling of joy or pain. We also use these as a reference of before and after especially when telling a story. 

I have a few frames that detail my life and today marks the tenth anniversary of a moment in time that changed so much about how I function in life. 

January 20, 2011 started just like most mornings. I sat down, had my coffee and quiet time. The weather was sunny and chilly on that day, very much like it is today. I rushed off to Nashville ten years ago with no thought that today would be the day that someone thought I was a threat and needed to be silenced. 

My Facebook status from today ten years ago was this. 

Thank you all for the prayers. I look like Rocky at the end of the fight scene. Pray that I do not have to have surgery on Wednesday and that my sight will not be affected. 

That was all I was worried about at that point in time. No surgery and my sight. The letters PTSD weren’t even part of my vocabulary, let alone the word Anxiety. 

For those who have followed this decade old saga knows that I have talked about all different aspects of it. And have even celebrated victories of healing. But for this anniversary I want to share a story that hasn’t had much attention and is still something that we have to overcome, even today. 

After the attack, and when the diagnosis of PTSD was given and the anxiety started to rear its ugly head, I, the victim was offered support and counseling. My husband, strong and brave spent the next few years being my over-protector because I was never sure when and where the triggers would happen. 

Then the healing started and I would venture out more and more by myself. I had such a great support system and my husband was extremely happy that I had been healed, but when a crime has been committed there are the victims, and then what I call the secondary victims.   

My husband, a secondary victim has silently dealt with this for ten years. He went from having lunch, planning a mission trip to being guilt ridden that he should have been there to protect me. 

He has felt anger that someone actually took their hands and hurt his bride. His anger wanted to find this person and hurt them as well. With all the support I received there was no one to talk to or work through his feelings. Mine always came first. 

Now that we are a decade past that dreadful phone call he received, I wish I could say he has been freed.  On Monday this week, he woke up with unexplained anxiety. I had it as well. It wasn’t debilitating, it was just present. That afternoon I had to write the date for something and it hit me that this was the anniversary week. I explained that to Rob and just a few minutes later he told me that the anxiety had lifted.

Your subconscious does funny things like that and you may go hours or even days without realizing where the anxiety, anger etc stemmed from. 

So today as I celebrate the fact I am still here on this earth, my prayer is for all the secondary victims who haven’t found healing. I pray even if it’s as simple as someone to talk to, they will reach out or someone will reach out to them. 

And I thank God for my hero… my husband who has sacrificed so I could heal.

When it doesn’t seem God answered the prayer.

From the day that my oldest daughter, Amanda, told me she was expecting I started to pray for the pregnancy. I was assured that because she wouldn’t be 35 prior to the birth, she was not considered high risk. Seeing I lived over 800 miles away all I really could do was pray.

So my prayers for the next nine months consisted of praying for a safe delivery. I prayed for a healthy baby. I even prayed for her pregnancy to be free from stress because I know from my years of teaching, that the first 9 months in utero are extremely important to a baby’s development not just physically, but mentally and emotionally.

On Mother’s Day I was finally told his name. It was supposed to be a surprise, but in the midst of Covid, the gift that bared his name, was lost in the shipping world, so they didn’t make me wait any longer, this little peanut’s name was RJ.

From then on I prayed for him by name.  Over and over I would pray for a great pregnancy, safe delivery and a healthy baby. 

I also prayed from the very beginning, that he would always know the Lord and serve Him with his life.

The just over 9 months flew by and it is time for RJ to enter the world.  Amanda and her husband are in the hospital on August 29,2020 and RJ comes out screaming.  We joke and say that he is yelling PUT ME BACK! 2020 sucks. But RJ is a healthy 6lb 10oz ball of joy.

The waiting is over, the excitement is done because we can’t go see him anyway, so off to bed. My phone starts ringing right after midnight.  My husband kicks me awake, but it takes me a minute to get my bearings because I am in a different bed and my phone is in a different place.

Hello, I finally answer groggily.

I finally hear a hello through the tears.  RJ is in the NICU. The nurse didn’t like what she heard.

It takes me a moment to comprehend what she is saying because I didn’t understand how a healthy baby just a few hours ago is now in NICU.

Ok, let’s do what we know how to do, pray.  We hang up, and in the morning we find out he was only there for about 90 minutes and everything is okay.

The following day we are talking about what day and time they will be released from the hospital and once again in the middle of the night my phone goes off.

Mom…

He is now in the NICU with a feeding tube. I ask what is wrong. My daughter is attempting to tell me but the nurse had on a mask and mumbled the words.

Amanda tells me she thinks the nurse said they were calling in an Oncologist. I knew that couldn’t be right, that was for cancer.  So I said maybe she said Neurologist.  That made more sense.  We read Psalms 91 together.

The next morning, we finally find out they were waiting for the neonatologist to come in and do her rounds.

The following week was a roller coaster. We were waiting for transport to take him to a children’s hospital. Then they called and said it’ll be tomorrow. Tomorrow became if they don’t come…. Basically he was stable and the NICU was full at the other hospital, but that meant we couldn’t get answers.  So we didn’t know if we needed surgery, feeding tube for the rest of his life or what.  Finally, they wanted to do a telehealth meeting with a speech pathologist. Depending upon what she saw, she would re-evaluate. 

That little stinker started to drink from a bottle. Yeah! Praise God.

That started a slow process of drinking from a bottle and getting his feeding tube removed.  The next step was being released from NICU to a regular room and then being able to go home after that. 

If I am going to be transparent, I was not happy with God. I had prayed and prayed for a healthy pregnancy, safe delivery and a healthy baby.  Why did God let me think all was okay but then RJ end up in NICU, not able to eat?

I posted a picture and message to a private group on Facebook to ask for prayer, for healing, for answers.

I know it was the prayers that allowed my daughter to get through this like a champ. The specific prayers of healing over a baby they had never met, were being answered.

We are finally coming to an end of the tunnel. The last thing to be done is the circumcision and then he can go home.

As I was sitting there thanking God for healing, I was also asking God to forgive me because I got mad that RJ was in NICU, something was mentioned that made me count the days. 

8 days!

The child was circumcised on the 8th day.

I started to cry. My bigger prayer was that RJ would never not know a day without the Lord and that RJ would be a Christ follower.

In Genesis 17 you find the covenant between Abraham and God.

You are to undergo circumcision, and it will be the sign of the covenant between Me and you. For the generations to come every male among you who is eight days old must be circumcised.

Then I remembered Amanda sending us a picture while RJ was in NICU. He and his dad were doing skin to skin contact and RJ reached out and grabbed hold of Ryan’s cross necklace and she told us he wouldn’t let go.

When I started recounting the events of the first 8 days of RJ’s life outside the womb, I stand in awe of God and His miraculous works.

But if serving the Lord seems undesirable to you, then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your ancestors served beyond the Euphrates, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you are living. But as for me and my household, we will serve the Lord.” Joshua 24:15

Don’t Wait for Tomorrow… it may never come

As he pulled out of the driveway part of her died.  She was only a kid and didn’t understand why they couldn’t get along. Even though she was grateful he took her calls during the day, she knew there would be hell to pay if she was ever caught. Day’s turned to years before she would see him again. But finally the time had come.  She was able to date. Her first date took her to see him. She was 16. Knowing it was too risky their meetings were few are far between. Again days turned into years. The time had finally come and she was free. She made the call and they were going to meet again.

 

This past weekend I received a 6am wake-up call that I never wish upon anyone.  “I have rushed your dad to the hospital. He is having chest pains.”

Just the day before we were sitting on the dock, laughing at the events of the past week.  A boat ride across the causeway, a yacht, a huge wave. A wall of water on both sides of the boat that eventually ended up in the boat.  Drenched they started to laugh as they hadn’t had to pay the price of admission to Disney’s water park.

Now laying in a hospital bed waiting in the hallway because the ER is so full there are no more rooms. Almost 32 hours later, he is rolled into the surgical room. They are going to explore and be ready to put in a stent if need be. Doctors aren’t 100% there is a need, but with the instance of the patient, they go ahead.  2 hours later they come to the waiting room to get us. Not one but 3 stents later.

How bad? He was just having a little chest pain.  2 were 90% blocked and 1 was 95% blocked.

I have to excuse myself. I lose it.  How can this be? Then I start to get mad. “God, I just moved here.  Don’t take him home yet. I am just now getting back all those years I lost.”

I have had every wave of emotion in the past 48 hours.

The scripture says: We are not guaranteed tomorrow.

Now listen, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.” Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes.
James 4:13-14 NIV

 

Don’t wait another day to make amends.

Don’t wait another day to call a long lost friend.

Don’t wait another day to reunite with your family if it is possible.

Don’t get to tomorrow and say “I should have…..”

Do make today count.

Unforgiveness

 

In our 8-week study New Beginnings, we talk about forgiveness right off the bat.  Not only do we talk about forgiving others but we talk about forgiving our self.

When you forgive others, it doesn’t always equate to being friends again. By forgiving others it allows you to move on with your life.  By truly forgiving, you no longer harbor feelings of resentment or wishing ill will.

I started working on the blog/podcast the other day and am finishing it today.  But in the meantime, I had a 6-hour round trip in the car with my husband. During one of our many conversations, I told him that I was still very upset with a situation that happened in July and that I just wished I knew why things had gone awry. I also told my husband that every time this person’s name gets brought up I get sick to my stomach.

Fast forward throughout the day, this person’s name was mentioned a few times in conversations by other people (unbeknownst to them that I was having an issue) and thankfully I was able to contain my emotions.

As I was dozing off to sleep last night, my husband said, as profoundly as he usually does, “Do you really need (that person) to ask for forgiveness or do you need to extend it so that it does not affect you anymore?”

So as I was falling asleep I found myself praying for this person and their family.  I realized that by not extending forgiveness in my own heart that I was allowing satan to steal joy. I was allowing satan to possibly even get a foothold in the kingdom because I was “upset and wanted this person to personally ask me to forgive them.”

What does it matter? In my humanness, I was making it a bigger deal than it was.  In God’s economy I was allowing satan to make change and even prosper.

Forgiveness according to the dictionary means to cease to feel resentment against; to pardon an offense or an offender.

Do you see what it says, to cease to feel resentment against!  This is for you and I.  This is for our well-being.  By not ceasing to feel resentment, I was saying, that I could not forgive.

What if the person you need to forgive is yourself?   Do you find it hard to cease to feel resentment against yourself?

Do you know what happens not only when you don’t forgive others, but you don’t forgive yourself? Satan allows feelings to creep into our lives that reminds us how hurt we were.  What happens when you are hurt? What feeling comes in next? Anger! Maybe just a little annoyance. Maybe we become just a little more curt in our tone than we need to be.  Then before we know it we have hit full blown anger where we are throwing things, slamming doors, cursing, using words to hurt people and unfortunately, those in our paths are innocent people just because we decided we could not cease to feel resentment toward someone or our self.

Also many may not think of this, but if you were hurt as a child, you may have carried these feelings with you into your adolescent years and now you may be directing deep-rooted anger at totally innocent people. You might not realize the true seed from which this anger has grown if from unforgiveness.  These emotional outbursts or angry thoughts and actions are due to feelings that you have not addressed.

It is time to forgive, not only for yourself but for your children. For your well-being. For your marriage. For your relationships.

So what is a practical prayer you can use.

Heavenly Father, I forgive ________(someone or yourself)  I forgive ___________ for:(now write down every past event you need to be forgiven for or forgive someone of) _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I ask that You forgive me.  Father I ask that I would lose sight of the offense, and if I am ever reminded of the offense, that I will dismiss that memory as an old, resolved conflict I no longer want to revisit. Father I ask that I would simply forget the incident and move on with rebuilding healthy relationships as you lead me to do so.  Father, please show me how to love myself the way you do. Father, show me how to turn my offenses into concern for others well-being.  Father, I am moved to forgive myself because I desire to be obedient to you and desire for you to be glorified. Father, I ask that you would forgive me for not forgiving myself before now and remove from my heart any consequences or disease from not forgiving myself in the past. Father I confess that I will need your help to live out this forgiveness and I ask you to give me the strength to live true to the forgiveness.  Father, please bless my life in every way and heal me of any emotional or physical wounds that I have caused from suffering so long.

 

As I end I want to share 2 scriptures with you.

Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you. Ephesians 4:23 (NLT)                    

Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience.  Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others Colossians 3:12-13 (NLT)

May you find joy in today as you forgive your yesterday.

Glass Frogs

Last night I had a dream and here it is.

It was winter, I know this because the pipes had busted. There was water everywhere, but yet, I followed him around. All I wanted was for “him” to cut my hair. Even though I knew in my heart of hearts, he wasn’t going to cut it.

There was a group in a side room.

They said it was Christian, but it felt different.

I still followed him from room to room in hopes of getting my hair cut.

I didn’t feel threatened or in danger.

Something was off, but it was dark, wet and dreary.  And I didn’t want to leave because I wanted my hair cut.

My socks were wet from all the water that filled the floor. I remember walking into a part of the house, the concrete had sunk. There were people laying on the cold wet ground, fetching frogs. They were clear frogs, I remember distinctly their legs… The little pointy circles as toes and their feet were overly webbed.

Then he touched my breast. I ran away.

Then I woke up.

It didn’t make sense while it was going on, but as I journaled a few things came to the surface. I felt compelled to share it, and maybe it’ll be helpful to someone else.

I woke up remembering this vivid dream.. I also remember it was in color. The frogs were clear but greenish and reddish. The guy was wearing a red shirt and black pants.

I got out my pen and started journaling, asking God to speak to me. I have found that when a dream bothers me or is that vivid, that God has a message for me. Here is what I found flowing as I allowed the Spirit the freedom to speak.

  • I really need to run away at the first sign of discerning red flags but I wait, until something goes bad, then I have to flee.
  • Lord it wasn’t anyone’s fault. I was vulnerable and had a hole in my heart that wanted to affirmed and filled.

Then I found myself praying

  • Lord fill my hole in my heart with even more of your love.
  • Allow me to walk away and not put myself into situations.

As I talked the dream through with my husband, I realized how many times I still do this with work and relationships.

There are red flags.

I should run away, but I think for whatever reason they are the only ones who can “cut my hair”.

Hopefully you have realized that “cutting my hair” is a metaphor for, in my case, love, attention, getting to the next level in work, whatever “it” may be.

But the frogs, why the frogs?

I googled the frogs that were in my dream. And here is a picture of the frog I dreamt of.  It is called a glass frog.

This got me to start thinking.

Glass! Fragile! Handle with care.

And then I remembered hearing that FROG stood for Forever Relying On God.

As I grow in my relationship with the Lord, I find myself in awe at how many times I still allow myself to be pulled into the lure of what others, I think, can offer me.

People will fail us. We will fail people.

God has given me a gift of a discerning spirit, but even as important, God gave me a life partner in my husband who has the ultimate gift of discernment, and I really need to start listening more instead of allowing my flesh to lead.

Spewing venom doesn’t end well

In 1997 my marriage was over. The divorce papers were written and we were living in separate places, child support was set, and visitation decided.

But God…

Why do I feel compelled to write this blog?

I saw a Facebook post the other day and it was venom spewing from the mouth of a very hurt woman. Her venom was being spewed towards the other woman. Her other posts were being spewed at her now estranged husband.
My heart was breaking for not only this woman but the many others whose lives are being shattered. We think their lives are being shattered by divorce but in reality they are continuing to be shattered every single day by their lack of love and self respect for themselves.

As I read the words with my eyes, I was really reading it with my heart that has been healed from that same brokenness, we are human beings allowing actions of others to dictate our happiness.

I realize more and more that I am so thankful that social media was not around in 1997 when Rob and I were going through our junk. Many things were said to anyone who would listen. Many tears were cried into my pillow. Many songs were sung at the top of my lungs to stand on the promises of God. I wish I had only said things in private to my one friend.

I seriously believe that in my anger and hurt, I would have taken to social media because it is innate within us that “I don’t care who I hurt. I am hurting so someone else is also going to feel my pain”.

We allow anger to get the best of us.

We don’t control it, it controls us.

The challenge becomes when reconciliation is on the table, you realize that the words spewed in anger cannot be taken back. The words spewed in anger that were meant to sting, to lessen your pain, you cannot take back and now you realize you were just as involved in creating the pain.

Now why do I say also that this stems from a lack of love and self- respect for themselves. I have for many years dealt with the feeling of being unworthy. If you know me and my story, you know that my addiction was not drugs or alcohol but unhealthy relationships. Most also know that Rob’s and my relationship was not so healthy in the beginning.

If you add unhealthy relationships and a feeling of unworthiness, then you get a recipe for disaster and for satan to reek havoc in your life, especially if you are confessing to be a Christian. But because we were not in a right relationship with God we allowed satan to have control. There is no being on the fence with a relationship with God, satan owns the fence.

So as I come to the end of this post, my biggest prayer is that before you take not only to social media, but also “friends, church people, employees etc”, to spew your anger, remember that we are all humans. We all make mistakes. We are not perfect. And just because you are hurt does not make it right to defame or destroy someone else. I still can remember as we were trying to rebuild our lives, how Rob felt as we attempted to find a church and new friends that hadn’t heard about our dysfunction as I was talking to anyone who would listen, to make me out to be a better person than he.image

Is it January 1st yet?

As I walked into the 5-points post office, I could not believe my eyes.  There she was. I had been praying I would run into her.  I wanted to tell her how sorry I was.

I cut to the beginning of the line so I could hug her neck when she turned around.

Catching her off guard, I said how sorry I was, gave her a hug and asked how she was doing,  I knew this was the starting of the “Holidays of Firsts”.

As we talked, she cried and we hugged some more (grateful our small town is a town that  doesn’t get upset when you stand in the line hugging and crying; the people just walk around you).

She told of the plans they had.  That it wasn’t supposed to be like this.  And how she is mad at God, but He give her glimpses of hope that keeps her going.  Then she said probably the most profound words: “I just wish it could be January 1st”.

I felt at that moment God tapping me on the shoulder and saying “she has a reason to say that, but you…. You who say those words every year….you my daughter, you have no reason.”

Those are my “go to” words starting in about 11 days.

I started 3 years ago on a new journey and I think I am doing better every year to get farther along in the holiday season before I start saying those words, but I am definitely not perfect yet.

I also have felt God saying over this past week:

“Are you ready to enjoy?”

“Are you ready to slow down?”

“Are you ready to bask?”

“Are you ready to make time?” 

“Are you ready to not get so caught up in what the world makes the holiday about; you know the commercialism and superficial relationships?”

“I want you to seek relationships with family and or friends that are belly button to belly button time, real and authentic.”

So as I have pondered writing this blog this week I end with if you hear me say “can it hurry up and be January”, I give you permission to remind me to “be present”.

IMG_1157

 

Whats your little white pill?

As she walked down the long corridor, her hand naturally touched her hair.  KiKi, her hairdresser had out done herself this time.

Jay started going through her mental checklist, but she could feel the stares.

Before making their grand entrance into the ball room, Jay turned to the mirror hanging on the wall and quickly took inventory.

Smile… check

Lipstick…. check

Running her hand down her dress she felt the strong hand of her husband on the small of her back.  His push was a little firmer  than usual.

Did he suspect anything, she thought?

He leaned in and with a whisper said, “Lets go, its showtime”.

Turning ever so elegantly she took his arm and started counting down the seconds till she could excuse herself to the restroom.

Clutching her little black bag, she could feel the prescription bottle.  Jays whole body started to ache for that euphoric feeling that that little white pill would give her.   Jay first had to fulfill her duties of the customary handshakes and hugs that were required of her as the wife of such a prestigious businessman.

 

How does one get here, when you have everything the world has to offer?

Maybe it was a simple surgery and they sent you home on medication.  After the healing process started, you became afraid of any pain so you simply asked for more.

Its now 9 months after the surgery and you find that this little white pill has become your world.

You may attempt a day or two with out the little white pill… but then the demands of daily life, the demands of keeping up with schedules and events is just easier with a little white pill.

At least that is what your mind tells you.  That is until your doctor suspects a problem and confronts you.

Your world comes crashing in when your doctor says no more.

You now find yourself the wife of a prestigious businessman, on the streets trying every avenue to find that little white pill.

 

You may think this is not your story because its not a “little white pill” that is your crutch to get through the day.

But ask yourself this; what “pill” or “alcohol” is it that I am using to get through the day?

Remember just becuase something maybe “legal” if it is being used to “get through the day” you need to seek help.

But remember the “pill, alcohol etc” is just a result of a deeper issue; so make sure you work all the way back to the root cause.

I have heard from many over the years as they sat across from me in an orange or black and white jumpsuit:  “I can’t believe it  had to get to here for God to get my attention”.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Blessing of a Bad Day

imageJune 28th was a B E A U ti-Ful day for a motorcycle ride. As we were ending the ride, still not quite sure what happened, but we ended up in the ditch, with a totaled motorcycle.image

Even as I am writing this, I am reliving the scene and can feel the anxiety filling my body from my toes all the way up to my head. I can still see my husband laying in the ditch lifeless. I am screaming and screaming trying to get him to answer. I call 9-1-1. Rob is still lifeless. Finally, he starts to moan, my body just wants to scream, don’t leave me. The moans were so death like, I thought he was taking his last breaths.

Rob has a dislocated collar bone, a sprained shoulder and a concussion. I have bumps and bruises.

Fast forward to the last few weeks of a new normal for our lives

Because of Robs limited use of his arm (we find out later that he had tears in the muscles around his rotator cuff), I drive him a majority of the time. The concussion though, is another story. He is sleeping most of the days away. He can’t get on the computer to work. When we do think he is ready to venture out, he can’t even make it 1/2 a day without tiring. Up until this week, all evening outings were put on hold. And I become a full-time care giver.

This is just the physical aspects of what has happened.

Rob is not 100% yet, but he at least has better movement in his shoulder and his “smart butt” attitude is coming back.

The wreck 6 weeks ago, created another trauma in my life. The anxiety has been so great that it created a depression that was so heavy, that many times, I would want to cry, but my body wouldn’t let me because I needed to be strong.

My husband needed me to care for him.

I needed to stay strong, because my husband was in no shape to care for a wife who was losing it.

During a recent trip downtown Rob said, “I hope you are ok with walking down here, because I won’t be able to defend you if anything happens”.

I did not realize how much the reality of that statement along with the anxiety I was feeling started a spiral downward into a deep depression because I was NOT strong and I couldn’t do anything about it.

Now for the reason for my blog

Rob and I have talked about our deaths and what we would do if the other one died and we survived. I have always said, “well, I know where you would be, so I would be happy for you and I would NOT get remarried but throw myself in to the ministry and keep going”.
What God has shown me through this wreck is that I have not waited for Rob to die, to act as if he was. For many months God has been reminding me about how much I used to be the wife who kept the house clean, I was always cooking breakfast and bringing it to my husband in bed. Over the years, I have become a very focused person, which can be good and bad. Good in the business world, but bad because I have realized how much I get focused on the “busy-ness” of life that I have neglected my husband and his need to be appreciated and loved like I used to.

So God used a motorcycle wreck to show me how much I love my husband and how weak I am and there are things I need to change.