Parenting

Ensure Your Foundation is Stable

The neighborhood I reside in is extremely active with new construction. Seemingly overnight a vacant lot will be transformed into a three bedroom, two bath living space for a new homeowner to start making memories. 

Burrowing Owl

A particular home sits on a corner lot. One day it was a Burrowing Owl habitat and now it proudly displays the newest home that was built in our neighborhood. I know this because I can see it from my front yard but I also have walked past this corner at least five days a week since I moved in almost eighteen months ago. 

The yard had been graded and the workers were there to install the beautiful paver driveway.  Not even a month had gone by when we had a torrential downpour. Not thinking anything about it, I went for a walk the following day and just as I do every other time, I passed this house. A portion of the driveway had fallen into a newly created sinkhole. 

Newly Paved Driveway

Partially fixed

As the days passed the hole in the driveway sat there, continuing to get worse as the rain came and nothing had been done to repair the problem. Finally someone had come out to regrade the yard, but the driveway was still sporting a hole. It took about two more weeks when finally the hole was fixed but there was a mess of what looked like concrete coming out from under the driveway onto the newly graded yard. 

I cringe to think what problems the new homeowner will have with the driveway because the problem was covered up with a quick fix instead of looking for the main cause. 

Fixed Driveway

As I watched this scenario play out with the newly constructed home, it made me think about relationships.

So many times I have witnessed women finally finding their voice and getting out of a relationship that is toxic and dysfunctional but they didn’t take time to fix the foundation (themselves). The loneliness was too much to bear so at the first sign of someone paying attention to them, they jumped into a new relationship or even an old one with the hopes of a different outcome. 

I can’t tell you how many times I have talked with women and the same statement was said “They said they were sorry.” And within six months, if  it lasted that long, there was another hole that needed repairing. 

The challenge is taking the time to repair ourselves because if we don’t, we will attract the same type of toxic dysfunction over and over again. 

Did you know that on average, it takes a victim seven times to leave before staying away for good and 75% of women will die at the hand of their abuser as they are attempting to leave. 

Also, one out of every three women will be abused at some point in her life.

Why am I so passionate about women finding their voice? 

With my self-worth in the tank as a teen, if God had not intervened, my story would have been written differently. Also in 2011, I was attacked, not by a domestic partner but my injuries were the same as  two women who were acquaintances of a friend, they were attacked by their domestic partners. They weren’t as fortunate as I to have lived.  They both were trying to get out of their situation and became part of the 75%. 

This is why I am so passionate about helping women find their voice. 

Finding your voice isn’t just about getting out of an abusive relationship, it is about finding your self-worth in who God says you are. 

As I became involved in our local church, I would have women remind me of God’s love, but I was advised that simply reading the Bible would solve everything. However, the real issue was that no one demonstrated how to truly connect with God or make His teachings relevant to my daily challenges. Instead, they just urged me to sort it out on my own.

This is why I love showing women how using God’s Word helps you live a transformed life. And to quote my husband it is not out of a legalistic requirement but an irresistible response for what He has done for us. 

The process isn’t an easy one and it requires a lot of sacrifice. 

Many times, it involves unlearning a behavior that you once believed to be normal from your upbringing. Transforming destructive patterns into healthy loops requires significant effort. You also have to realize that you didn’t just get into this lifestyle, it took years, so perseverance is required as you retrain your brain. 

My life’s purpose is to empower women with knowledge, enabling them to embrace their true identity as defined by God and live authentically for Him. 

Reese’s Story Part 2

Not many people knew what we were facing starting at 20 weeks into Amanda’s pregnancy. We prayed for healing. We prayed for miracles. We wanted so bad for God to show up in a mighty way and prove the doctors wrong.  In my humanness I could say that God failed me. Again in my human nature I could be mad and blame God for making us have to grieve this way…but I can’t… all I can say is 

But God…. 

Let me preface all this with… I was still praying for a miracle of healing. I am also a planner by personality and I didn’t want anyone having to make decisions while attempting to grieve. 

I reached out to a couple who were high school classmates. Their job is helping people plan their funerals before the time is needed. I felt they would be a great resource and boy was I correct. Within the hour they had already spoken to and given me the name of a funeral home. This home, when they first began made it a mission to make sure that infants who passed would be taken care of with dignity and respect. When I first made contact, they prayed with me over the phone asking God for a miracle of healing as well. We ended the phone call with, “I pray you don’t have to call me back.”  Unfortunately I did have to call them back and once again, the first thing she did was pray with us. They were amazing to work with and even made sure we had Reese’s ashes in time for the memorial. 

The second phone call I made was to the hospital where Reese would be born. I wanted to make sure that if the need arises there would be social workers, grief counselors and because they were very involved in a church we knew we didn’t need chaplain services. Not only did Sarah the social worker check on Amanda the day of Reese’s birth and death, she gave us her cell number if we needed her.  Prior to the birth, she also had started the approval process for Amanda’s two younger children to be allowed in her room. And only as God can do, He had our nurse that day all of a sudden forget how to count. The new rule is only 2 people in the room at a time, at one time we had 10. 

The third phone call was to a nonprofit called Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep. They are professional photographers who give of their time to provide the gift of remembrance portraits to parents experiencing the death of a baby.  Not only did God provide an amazing photographer, she was also certified to be in the operating room during birth. This nonprofit gave an amazing gift of a story through pictures. 

On February 5  the day before Reese was born. This was from the calendar that Amanda has sitting on her counter. 

Before you ever came into being, God had a purpose in mind for you. 

On February 6 Reese’s birth and death date from the same daily calendar. 

As God alone watched your body being formed in your mothers womb, he already knew what was ahead. 

If you didn’t know what was going on in our lives at this time, they may have just been words on a page but for us knowing in the next 24 hours what we would be in for, it was another reminder that God was in control and He already had it ordained. 

On Monday February 6th waiting for the arrival of Reese we really didn’t know what to expect. Based upon pictures off the internet we weren’t even sure photographs would be an option. Then the most precious picture arrived. 

He was perfect and breathing on his own. Two by two (due to updated regulations since 2020) we got to go up to the room to spend some quality time. That continued for just a short time when the nurse told Ryan she didn’t know how to count today at which time we all emptied our staging area in the cafeteria and embarked upon floor 4, room 4219. God had given us the perfect day to spend together as family and friends as we weren’t expecting the gift of life for a day. 

As we all emptied the room and only mom, dad and baby were left, God gave them seven more glorious hours to pray over, to love on and to cherish his short sweet life and at 10:36pm, he took his last breath and entered into the loving arms of Jesus. 

The next morning was tough. We had to explain to Reagan, our six year old grandson and Reese’s older brother, that even though Reese looked perfect, he was not really perfect and had passed away and was now with Jesus. His first response was to cry and say he would miss him. Then just that quick he turned and said “are you kidding me right now?”  He then got up off the couch and matter of factly told us he needed to get ready for school. 

After the car rider line we proceeded to pack up anything newborn. It was our daughter’s wish that all baby items be donated to the local crisis pregnancy center. 

Arriving at the side door where donations are dropped off, I knocked and waited to be called in. Walking in, I stated that I had donations to drop off and I would attempt to get through this without crying. I only got out the words, “my daughter had her son yesterday and….” without missing a beat the worker asked if I was the Osburn’s. I was shocked and told her it was my daughter. The next statement blew me away. “I don’t know your daughter, but we have been praying and have been hearing of her faith during this time.” 

I couldn’t help but get tearful again, but this time for a different reason. Her faith. She had pressed into her faith. Over and over again during the pregnancy she would tell me that God was going to do God and that she had faith he would take care of it how He saw fit. At another time she told me that until she knew for sure, she was going to focus on the three beautiful children that were right in front of her and be present in their lives. 

Over and over again in the next few days this was the theme, pressing into their faith and knowing God is in control. 

People who were watching from afar texted and told how they had walked away from their faith and blamed God for all that was going on in their life but watching this unfold gave them a renewed hope to walk back to God and not blame Him but to ask Him how He would use them. 

Not many people knew what was going on with my daughters pregnancy, but after Reese’s passing it was said, “now I understand your daughters Facebook posts”

The day after Reese had passed Amanda wrote this and shared a meme of Tim Tebow’s

This is a great reminder this morning as God took our son home last night at 10:36pm to be healed. We enjoyed so many things with him. 

❤️ Our last time being pregnant 

❤️ Our Last ultrasounds 

❤️ 14 hours he got to spend with our family and us. 

❤️ He can now see, talk, walk, and run with our relatives that were waiting for him at the pearly gates of Heaven. 

Yes it hurts to know we are leaving the hospital childless, however we know this is a see you later not a goodbye forever.

Over the next few days it was amazing to watch my daughter and son-in-love press into their faith and have hope in the pain of grief. 

During the week before the memorial someone had sent us the Biblical meaning of Reese and Edward. 

Reese means: Inspired by God; Zealous; 

Edward means: Guardian or Protector

Now that we are a week out from the memorial, grief overcomes me in the weirdest ways. A song. A smell. A picture. Or even a newborn baby. 

As I was watching a movie the other night, a son had defied his fathers wishes to follow in his footsteps. He instead followed his dreams. I caught myself wondering what Reese would have grown up to do with his life. 

God whispered, Reese fulfilled his life’s purpose. He brought people back to Me. 

In just 14 short hours Reese pointed people to Jesus in ways that were unimaginable. As I think about that I am embarrassed to ask if I have been that productive in my over five decades? 

Reese’s Story part 1

Have you ever had a day that was filled with grief and joy all in the same day? 

Recently I had not just one such day, but two in the same week. 

On Saturday February 11, 2023 we had a memorial service for our 8th grandchild who was only 14 hours old when he went to be with the Lord. This day was filled with grieving but also a joy knowing that Reese Edward was with the Lord. He was no longer blind. He was no longer brain dead. He was alive and whole.  Even though this seemed to be a finale, it was just the beginning of a whole new season. To fully understand this, I need to go back to a doctor’s appointment when my daughter was 20 weeks pregnant. 

During this scheduled ultrasound it was detected that Baby O (this was his name to everyone) had what seemed to be fluid on the brain. Because of this detection my daughter was transferred to a high risk doctor at Tennessee Maternal Fetal Medicine. 

At 23 weeks an amniocentesis was performed and the fluid on the brain was confirmed as hydrocephalus. We were ecstatic to have a diagnosis and a plan of action. Deliver the baby via C-section and have a brain surgeon on standby for emergency surgery to insert a shunt in Baby O to relieve the pressure. And besides the club foot they had also found, which again would be taken care of after birth to correct, Baby O would lead a normal life. 

However, during continued doctors appointments, it became apparent that Baby O would need to be under the care of a hospital and a team of doctors equipped to handle the unknown, so their care was transferred to Vanderbilt. It was here that another ultrasound, at 32 weeks, confirmed it was in fact NOT hydrocephalus, but it was a combination of things and no one had a name for it. 

If you looked at the list that was on my daughters patient portal and googled them, you came up with most of the items pointed to Dandy- Walker Syndrome. In researching we knew people who had full lives, they were special needs, but it wasn’t life threatening. The team didn’t want to speculate so a Fetal MRI was scheduled. The earliest they could get her in was January 19th, 2023. 

On January 21, 2023 the outcome was listed on my daughter’s patient portal and it didn’t sound good. I am not a doctor but I knew based upon googling the items our outlook had just been altered. The list actually ended up being looked at by a nurse and her response was “has anyone mentioned ‘heroic life saving measures’?” 

These words started messages being left for someone to return a call to explain what was going on. The call finally came and another “team meeting” was called for January 30, 2023. 

At 38 weeks, my daughter was hooked up to machines to monitor the baby’s heartbeat which was normal and strong and another ultrasound had just been completed. The doctors made their way into her room to discuss the findings of the ultrasound which just confirmed the Fetal MRI. She and her husband would need to start making decisions. Baby O had no brain activity and would only live with medical intervention for the rest of his life, however long that was. 

They made the decision of a DNR and to allow God to work in whatever way He chose. The C-section was scheduled for the following Monday at 8am and Baby O was given little chance of ever taking a breath. 

During the final week before baby O a diagnosis would finally be given. At one of the many doctors appointments they were able to take DNA from both mom and dad, and they still had liquid left from the amniocentesis. It was sent to Columbia University for research and on Wednesday February 1, 2023 they called and told us that Baby O had  Walker Warburg syndrome which is a very rare condition of Muscular Dystrophy and that he had an extreme case. It was reiterated again he would most likely never take a breath. 

But God….

On February 6th at 8:38 am Reese Edward was born. He not only took a breath but he kept breathing for almost exactly 14 hours before he passed into the arms of Jesus where he is happy and whole. 

Don’t become a Slave to the Lender

The rich rule over the poor, and the borrower is slave to the lender. Proverbs 22:7 (NIV)

I wish I could tell you that I have always been good at saving money, but that is a discipline that was never taught to me as a child as we didn’t have money to spare.

Growing up I watched my mom pinch every penny to make sure her three children were fed and I am pretty sure that a lesson on money management was not on her parenting radar.  So unfortunately when I had money, I spent money.

Fast forward a few decades, I now teach budgeting classes. I use the verse from Proverbs  

The rich rule over the poor, and the borrower is slave to the lender.  Proverbs 22:7 (NIV)

to teach men and women about the dangers of credit cards, we tote the note lots and cash advance places. 

But now there is a new danger, especially to newly opened businesses, that I hadn’t given much thought to, until recently. 

Being a newly registered business, when the junk mail started arriving, I just assumed I had gotten on someone’s list. I rarely open this type of mail but for some reason this letter caught my attention. 

DO NOT DISCARD

“DO NOT DISCARD”

Inside was a “pay to the order of” and in very fine letters, it read “this is not a check, it is a loan and by cashing it you are agreeing to our terms.”  This made me go back and open the rest of the mail. 

In a week’s time I had “checks” I could have cashed totaling over $100 thousand dollars.

 

What if I hadn’t known any better? What if I truly thought it was a gift? Stranger things have happened right? 

The challenge would have been when all those loans had come due.  They will get their money some way and truth be told, how many of us actually read all the terms and conditions? 

When you sign your name and either cash or deposit that check, your payment plan starts and you become a slave to that lender. 

And if all those checks weren’t bad enough, the pre-approved credit cards started piling up as well. 

Here is my two cents: Don’t fall for the schemes of those who send you unsolicited mail. If you are in need of a line of credit or a credit card, talk with a financial advisor. 

If you have already fallen prey, make a plan to get out from underneath that obligation as soon as possible. Whether that be by paying it off or coming up with a plan to pay it off quicker. 

Don’t do it alone.  

Find a coach to help keep you accountable and to get your cash flowing a different way.  

There is also another verse in the Bible that I love, especially for new businesses. 

Do not despise these small beginnings, for the Lord rejoices to see the work begin,
to see the plumb line in Zerubbabel’s hand.” Zechariah 4:10 (NLT)

And lastly the verse in Luke is great for business owners.


 “If you are faithful in little things, you will be faithful in large ones.
But if you are dishonest in little things, you won’t be honest with greater responsibilities.
Luke 16:10 (NLT)

When it doesn’t seem God answered the prayer.

From the day that my oldest daughter, Amanda, told me she was expecting I started to pray for the pregnancy. I was assured that because she wouldn’t be 35 prior to the birth, she was not considered high risk. Seeing I lived over 800 miles away all I really could do was pray.

So my prayers for the next nine months consisted of praying for a safe delivery. I prayed for a healthy baby. I even prayed for her pregnancy to be free from stress because I know from my years of teaching, that the first 9 months in utero are extremely important to a baby’s development not just physically, but mentally and emotionally.

On Mother’s Day I was finally told his name. It was supposed to be a surprise, but in the midst of Covid, the gift that bared his name, was lost in the shipping world, so they didn’t make me wait any longer, this little peanut’s name was RJ.

From then on I prayed for him by name.  Over and over I would pray for a great pregnancy, safe delivery and a healthy baby. 

I also prayed from the very beginning, that he would always know the Lord and serve Him with his life.

The just over 9 months flew by and it is time for RJ to enter the world.  Amanda and her husband are in the hospital on August 29,2020 and RJ comes out screaming.  We joke and say that he is yelling PUT ME BACK! 2020 sucks. But RJ is a healthy 6lb 10oz ball of joy.

The waiting is over, the excitement is done because we can’t go see him anyway, so off to bed. My phone starts ringing right after midnight.  My husband kicks me awake, but it takes me a minute to get my bearings because I am in a different bed and my phone is in a different place.

Hello, I finally answer groggily.

I finally hear a hello through the tears.  RJ is in the NICU. The nurse didn’t like what she heard.

It takes me a moment to comprehend what she is saying because I didn’t understand how a healthy baby just a few hours ago is now in NICU.

Ok, let’s do what we know how to do, pray.  We hang up, and in the morning we find out he was only there for about 90 minutes and everything is okay.

The following day we are talking about what day and time they will be released from the hospital and once again in the middle of the night my phone goes off.

Mom…

He is now in the NICU with a feeding tube. I ask what is wrong. My daughter is attempting to tell me but the nurse had on a mask and mumbled the words.

Amanda tells me she thinks the nurse said they were calling in an Oncologist. I knew that couldn’t be right, that was for cancer.  So I said maybe she said Neurologist.  That made more sense.  We read Psalms 91 together.

The next morning, we finally find out they were waiting for the neonatologist to come in and do her rounds.

The following week was a roller coaster. We were waiting for transport to take him to a children’s hospital. Then they called and said it’ll be tomorrow. Tomorrow became if they don’t come…. Basically he was stable and the NICU was full at the other hospital, but that meant we couldn’t get answers.  So we didn’t know if we needed surgery, feeding tube for the rest of his life or what.  Finally, they wanted to do a telehealth meeting with a speech pathologist. Depending upon what she saw, she would re-evaluate. 

That little stinker started to drink from a bottle. Yeah! Praise God.

That started a slow process of drinking from a bottle and getting his feeding tube removed.  The next step was being released from NICU to a regular room and then being able to go home after that. 

If I am going to be transparent, I was not happy with God. I had prayed and prayed for a healthy pregnancy, safe delivery and a healthy baby.  Why did God let me think all was okay but then RJ end up in NICU, not able to eat?

I posted a picture and message to a private group on Facebook to ask for prayer, for healing, for answers.

I know it was the prayers that allowed my daughter to get through this like a champ. The specific prayers of healing over a baby they had never met, were being answered.

We are finally coming to an end of the tunnel. The last thing to be done is the circumcision and then he can go home.

As I was sitting there thanking God for healing, I was also asking God to forgive me because I got mad that RJ was in NICU, something was mentioned that made me count the days. 

8 days!

The child was circumcised on the 8th day.

I started to cry. My bigger prayer was that RJ would never not know a day without the Lord and that RJ would be a Christ follower.

In Genesis 17 you find the covenant between Abraham and God.

You are to undergo circumcision, and it will be the sign of the covenant between Me and you. For the generations to come every male among you who is eight days old must be circumcised.

Then I remembered Amanda sending us a picture while RJ was in NICU. He and his dad were doing skin to skin contact and RJ reached out and grabbed hold of Ryan’s cross necklace and she told us he wouldn’t let go.

When I started recounting the events of the first 8 days of RJ’s life outside the womb, I stand in awe of God and His miraculous works.

But if serving the Lord seems undesirable to you, then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your ancestors served beyond the Euphrates, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you are living. But as for me and my household, we will serve the Lord.” Joshua 24:15

Don’t Wait for Tomorrow… it may never come

As he pulled out of the driveway part of her died.  She was only a kid and didn’t understand why they couldn’t get along. Even though she was grateful he took her calls during the day, she knew there would be hell to pay if she was ever caught. Day’s turned to years before she would see him again. But finally the time had come.  She was able to date. Her first date took her to see him. She was 16. Knowing it was too risky their meetings were few are far between. Again days turned into years. The time had finally come and she was free. She made the call and they were going to meet again.

 

This past weekend I received a 6am wake-up call that I never wish upon anyone.  “I have rushed your dad to the hospital. He is having chest pains.”

Just the day before we were sitting on the dock, laughing at the events of the past week.  A boat ride across the causeway, a yacht, a huge wave. A wall of water on both sides of the boat that eventually ended up in the boat.  Drenched they started to laugh as they hadn’t had to pay the price of admission to Disney’s water park.

Now laying in a hospital bed waiting in the hallway because the ER is so full there are no more rooms. Almost 32 hours later, he is rolled into the surgical room. They are going to explore and be ready to put in a stent if need be. Doctors aren’t 100% there is a need, but with the instance of the patient, they go ahead.  2 hours later they come to the waiting room to get us. Not one but 3 stents later.

How bad? He was just having a little chest pain.  2 were 90% blocked and 1 was 95% blocked.

I have to excuse myself. I lose it.  How can this be? Then I start to get mad. “God, I just moved here.  Don’t take him home yet. I am just now getting back all those years I lost.”

I have had every wave of emotion in the past 48 hours.

The scripture says: We are not guaranteed tomorrow.

Now listen, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.” Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes.
James 4:13-14 NIV

 

Don’t wait another day to make amends.

Don’t wait another day to call a long lost friend.

Don’t wait another day to reunite with your family if it is possible.

Don’t get to tomorrow and say “I should have…..”

Do make today count.

She’s just a little girl

As the door slammed shut, you could hear the whimpers of the little girl she left behind.

The argument escalated very quickly to a yelling match by the older of the two. There was a harshness that was being displayed through not only her words but also her actions towards the younger.

As the little girl wiped the tears, anyone who was watching could see a broken little girl who just wanted to be affirmed that she was doing at least one thing right. Her heart longed for love and gratefully there was someone else there to heal her wounds.

[ctt template=”8″ link=”m50Ht” via=”no” ]This once innocent little girl that was just looking to be loved… is now being groomed and loved by the wrong group. #parenting [/ctt]

Fast forward a few years. This once innocent little girl that was just looking to be loved, is now being groomed and loved by the wrong group.

The WORLD.

Men.

Alcohol

Drugs

Sex

Fast forward a few more years.  This once innocent little girl is now sitting before me in class asking how did I get here.

You may think as a parent this will never happen to my child.

As a person who sees this every day in my line of work and more importantly as a parent who wishes she could go back and redo my children’s childhood, I know how quickly the WORLD can step in with a false love.

Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me. I taught my children just as many of you probably did, to recite that saying when others were attempting to use words to hurt them; but parent what about you? What about the words you use?

Choose today to change you the parent… then the child will change also.

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Craigslist: Father for sale

  Supposedly this ad was on Craigslist, which made its way to Facebook. As I read this ad, I did the little nervous giggle, you know the one that says, “oh, I can’t believe they said that.”  I then felt compelled to write this blog because in reality these are the very children that your children play with every day, or even played with years ago. You may even be friends with the family and it won’t be until years later when some big event happens that you will say: “I would have never known.” or “Where was I, I thought we were friends?”

 

We cannot turn back the hands on the clock to magically start over when we were born. Nor can we start over yesterday. But what we can do, is decide tomorrow how we will live.  

Now that the venom has been spewed, I am not sure that this person feels much better today, because the challenge is that even though we wrote out our anger, we  are still US and the events of our past, including words spoken over us, will affect our tomorrow.

 We have a choice though, will your tomorrow, have positive or negative actions?

I am sorry this is how this father is.  That is his temperament, that is his choice. Unfortunately though this is probably one of those ads where many will say “oh, I didn’t know your dad and mine were related.” 

We have a choice though, will we allow him and his actions to affect us and the rest of our lives?  The answer usually is YES, becuase we never see that there is another way. We say we will never grow up to be just like so and so, but the reality is we end up becoming just like so and so.  

To the person who wrote this ad or to the person who would like to have written this ad, you have to understand that yes all that has been said, all the letdowns, all the sorry’s that were never said or that were said and not meant, are a part of your life.

They happened and we cannot change that.  But tomorrow is a new day, you have a choice: do you allow all this to dictate the REST of your life in a positive or a negative fashion.  

More times than not, we allow all of this to accumulate and we are a freight-train that has lost control but we just don’t know it yet. That is a cycle called letting life happen.  This cycle gets it start when we continue to hear words like “You’re not good enough”. “You’ll never be pretty enough or skinny enough.” “You are going to be just like so and so.” “You’re a good for nothing, $%&ch.”

Whatever those words are or sayings are that you hear or heard, they become part of you.  They unfortunately become part of your expectation in life. Then it goes down hill real fast when you couple that with low self-esteem, and if you are a female, then you can find yourself in relationships that are toxic or dysfunctional in themselves. 

We have bought the lie that sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never harm me. 

Words impact us much longer than a broken arm or leg. Words are associated with times a day, years or even seasons. We can be many miles away or the person may have even passed on, but that word… that smell… that vehicle…. that mannerism…. can all trigger in our subconscious a memory and before we know it… we are angry…. we are hurt…. we are in that event that caused us so much pain. All those nasty emotions that you thought you had forgotten, come back up with a vengeance. You lash out at whoever is nearby.  

So how do we change this and how do we make life happen for us?  First thing is to forgive.

Forgiveness is to cease to have resentment against. To pardon an offense or an offender.  

I am not saying you have to become best buds and start hanging out.  What I am saying though, is that this forgiveness is more about you, the person becoming whole and allowing yourself the freedom to be free from all the expectations that this person had placed on you by the words they spoke to and over you. 

If you are ready to try the forgiveness thing, here is a conversation that needs to be had by you to God. 

God, I am so tired of these feelings.  I am so tired of feeling like this.  Daddy, please I ask that you will allow me to lay this person and (name all the offenses) at Your feet.  I am so tired of carrying around this aggression.  I want to be freed from the bondage that this person (name here) still has over me.  Daddy, free me today from this anger. May I forgive (name of person) and if I ever start to think about this event again or these offenses, may I be reminded that You Daddy love me so and You gave me (insert whatever place, thing like a butterfly, a deer, a bunny… etc, that you see that God has used to remind you that He loves you more) to remind me that You are so much bigger than (this offense) and that I will live today basking in Your love instead of the dread of the burden. 

Now redo that prayer and put your name in there as the person to forgive.  You need to forgive yourself in order to start healing from your past. 

Now that you have worked through that, and it may take you multiple times of working through that, now is the time to ask yourself:  

What do I want for me?

Who do I want to be?

What expectation do I want to live up to?

 

After you have asked those questions to yourself for yourself… what ACTION steps do you need to take?

1)____________________________________________

2)____________________________________________

3)____________________________________________

Now that you have your action steps what EVENTS do you see happening from those ACTIONS? 

To the one who wrote that ad for real or to the one who just wrote it in your head,  are you still living by those expectations that were laid out for you by an authority figure? The expectations that created an angry person who doesn’t know who she or he is anymore because they have fallen into the trap of “this is all my life has to offer, so why try?” 

Don’t allow satan to keep you there.  You are worth so much more…. believe me, I know… because I could have written that ad years ago, from a very angry teenager. 

She doesn’t want your pity

Rob and I met Jamie in the early 2000’s, when she showed up on our door step with a little girl in a car carrier and pregnant with her son.  She will tell you within 30 minutes my husband had her in tears.  jamie-and-jaz-zoo

Not because he or I were condemning her, but because we were telling her that she was worthy of a life different than what she thought or saw at that point.

In the years to come we would walk with her in relationship, be Gramma Meredith and Grandaddy Rob to her kids.  I still remember walking through Wal-mart and her son, who was an infant was crying uncontrollably and unconscionable. We would quickly realize that baby peaches were NOT his friend. ian

Over the past 13 years Jamie has loved her children well as a single parent.  She does not look for peoples pity, and actually her pride keeps her from asking for help.  In December 2008, Jamie fell ill with bilateral pneumonia and was hospitalized, 3 days later her legs no longer worked.

That was the first of 5 times she has had to relearn to walk.

It took the doctors until August 201o, but finally she was diagnosed with MS.

Over the years she would work as much as she could but then the pain, and stress would get the best of her and her body would shut down again.

Some would say she was faking.

Others would say “oh poor baby”, but Jamie did not complain.

She would walk her kids to school using her walker. She would make sure they were getting the best education.  All the while her MS would flair up, whenever it decided (arms being paralyzed for weeks on end and legs not working properly for 6-9 months). She had put in the paperwork for disability, but MS is very hard to get on disability for, is what she was told, so she worked when she could and lived very frugally.

And if her MS was not enough, her daughter and son both fell ill.  Ian’s diagnosis is Crohn’s and with dietary restrictions he fairs pretty well.  Jazzy, after many hospital visits and stays, they finally found chronic intestinal pseudo-obstruction.

homeless-2012

Jamie and the kids at AtG’s Annual Christmas Dinner for men at Room in the Inn

In 2013, a van was donated to the ministry and who else would benefit so much from a vehicle but Jamie. The coolest part of the story;van-2013 this vehicle was donated by a high school teacher, and Jamie had actually had him as a teacher.  He was so thrilled that she was the recipient, because he always knew she would do great things.

After Jazzy got released from the hospital, the doctors ok’d   Jamie to surprise the kids and take them to Florida.    While there they slept in the van on the beach…just a big slumber party. Jamie quickly realized that the warmth and  sun did everyone a lot of good. She searched out an apartment and a job.  She came home to announce that at the end of the school year they would leave for Florida.

Upon moving to Florida everything fell apart and they ended up living in their van on the beach.

She did not give up.

She preservers.

She finally gets a break and moves into an apartment and has a job.

She is thrilled…. then just when she things are looking up… she ends up wheel chair bound.

During this time many wanted to “fix it” for her.  Many wanted her to move back so we could “take care” of her.  But she stood or in this case “sat” her ground and said, “I know you all love me, but I need to stay here.”

At Christmas last year we went to Florida to just have some fun.  Everyone chipped in and we stocked her cabinets and bought Christmas gifts that I made her wrap.  We went and got pedicures and wheeled her down to the beach.  We cried, we laughed but not once did she ask for pity… she asked that God would allow her to walk again.

Here is a short video of our adventures:

On October 12th this was her Facebook Status:

 Hello, everyone. I just wanted to update everyone. I know I have been gone a long time but it was much needed time away. I will probably only stay on a few days just to catch up with yal and to get numbers to keep in touch in the future. This year has been a really hard year. I truly wasn’t sure if Id ever really walk again. I really had lots of days of being so discouraged, and some of those days I would verbalize out loud where Jaz and Ian would hear and immediately they would respond with “Mommy don’t say that you will walk again.” Then I would wheel myself to my room and cry out to God to please help me. I didn’t want to let my kids down and I did feel like I had started giving up. So I really needed to do some soul searching without distractions. Once I got off FB my therapist and I busted butt. She worked me soooo very hard but she believed in me even when I didn’t believe in myself. MS isn’t all that know about but its a MONSTER. It doesn’t just affect your central nervous system. It affects every single thing in your body. Its painful everyday and you have to fight every single day. Well in August I finally got out of my wheelchair and onto my walker and as of September I am now not using anything. I still have a little limp but I have come so far with Gods strength and I fight everyday for my 2 beautiful babies. I passed my neuro exam and now back behind the wheel which feels amazing. I know I have had so many people praying for me and I truly appreciate every single one. I still have a ways to go but at least I’m headed back in the right direction. I love yal and hope yal are all doing amazing!!

She sent me this video (October 12th,2016)

Then as she drove her children to school a few weeks ago, a young lady “thought” she could make it, but there was no time to stop and the van was totaled, but once again Jamie did not ask for pity… she did the hard work needed to find just the right vehicle in her price range and God provided.

She finally has jumped through all the hoops of the disability system and prayerfully she should receive her first check by the end of the 1st quarter 2017.

So why this blog?  The only “disability” I have is, I deal with food allergies and PTSD.  I have a husband who has provided for our family for the past 32 years and when adversity hits me…. I start to cry out “why me?”  I don’t have even half of the perseverance that Jamie does.

I teach every week about obtaining goals and I hear all the excuses you can imagine.  Jamie has modeled when it comes to having a goal,  get rid of all your “distractions” so you can focus on your end result.

She knows she has many long days ahead of her so if she comes to mind keep her in your prayers.

As you strive to reach your goals and doubt and fear start to creep in… remember this young single mom who has once again has had to relearn to walk 5 times, and after being wheelchair ridden for 9 months is now WALKING.

A letter to my younger self

Today as I was texting a friend I found myself with this overwhelming need to journal.  As I started to journal, my thoughts went to “I wish I could have a do-over with my kids”.  So I started writing a letter to myself of what I wish I knew then, and how it would affect my children.

Dear Meredith

I know that you are poor and don’t have much.  I know that every month you stand in line for a food box at that church… but don’t let that define you.  I know that you are stressed about the finances and where the money will come to make the bills… but Meredith you have been given a gift, she is your firstborn and she will grow up to be just like you.  So if you don’t like some of your attributes you need to change them today.

I want to tell you,  you will make mistakes but the one mistake that will define everything is this; Be present and remember that you only live today, once.  Your firstborn is tiny today but one day she will grow up to be a mom.  Today Meredith your tone, your actions, your lack of actions will define how she sees the world.  How you carry yourself.  What you react to.  What you make time for.  How you let people treat you and how you treat people.  All these play into raising your little girl.

Don’t make her your excuse for your anger because you are tired.  Don’t make her your excuse because you are running late.  Own up to who you are and who you aren’t.  Don’t make your child fit your mold.  Slow down and be the best thing in your child’s life.  Meredith your child and soon to be children will remember the walks in the park, the picnics in the grass… they will also remember when you did not show up because you were too busy working or taking care of someone else’s life.  Meredith take every day from now until they ask you to stop… and be present in their life.  Today to be present looks different than what it’ll look like in 20, 30 or so years… but if you are not there today they will not want you present tomorrow.

Also many will call your oldest “Social baby”…. She will get this name because she can be crying, but then as soon as she is in public she is the happiest baby in the world.  Meredith, you will think it’s cute.  But as I am writing you this letter I need for you to realize that it is a coping skill she is learning from you.  And it’s not a healthy coping skill.

Take from this letter what you will, but remember you only get one chance at today.  You will mess some of them up, but repent, ask for forgiveness and make tomorrow a better day.