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Ensure Your Foundation is Stable

The neighborhood I reside in is extremely active with new construction. Seemingly overnight a vacant lot will be transformed into a three bedroom, two bath living space for a new homeowner to start making memories. 

Burrowing Owl

A particular home sits on a corner lot. One day it was a Burrowing Owl habitat and now it proudly displays the newest home that was built in our neighborhood. I know this because I can see it from my front yard but I also have walked past this corner at least five days a week since I moved in almost eighteen months ago. 

The yard had been graded and the workers were there to install the beautiful paver driveway.  Not even a month had gone by when we had a torrential downpour. Not thinking anything about it, I went for a walk the following day and just as I do every other time, I passed this house. A portion of the driveway had fallen into a newly created sinkhole. 

Newly Paved Driveway

Partially fixed

As the days passed the hole in the driveway sat there, continuing to get worse as the rain came and nothing had been done to repair the problem. Finally someone had come out to regrade the yard, but the driveway was still sporting a hole. It took about two more weeks when finally the hole was fixed but there was a mess of what looked like concrete coming out from under the driveway onto the newly graded yard. 

I cringe to think what problems the new homeowner will have with the driveway because the problem was covered up with a quick fix instead of looking for the main cause. 

Fixed Driveway

As I watched this scenario play out with the newly constructed home, it made me think about relationships.

So many times I have witnessed women finally finding their voice and getting out of a relationship that is toxic and dysfunctional but they didn’t take time to fix the foundation (themselves). The loneliness was too much to bear so at the first sign of someone paying attention to them, they jumped into a new relationship or even an old one with the hopes of a different outcome. 

I can’t tell you how many times I have talked with women and the same statement was said “They said they were sorry.” And within six months, if  it lasted that long, there was another hole that needed repairing. 

The challenge is taking the time to repair ourselves because if we don’t, we will attract the same type of toxic dysfunction over and over again. 

Did you know that on average, it takes a victim seven times to leave before staying away for good and 75% of women will die at the hand of their abuser as they are attempting to leave. 

Also, one out of every three women will be abused at some point in her life.

Why am I so passionate about women finding their voice? 

With my self-worth in the tank as a teen, if God had not intervened, my story would have been written differently. Also in 2011, I was attacked, not by a domestic partner but my injuries were the same as  two women who were acquaintances of a friend, they were attacked by their domestic partners. They weren’t as fortunate as I to have lived.  They both were trying to get out of their situation and became part of the 75%. 

This is why I am so passionate about helping women find their voice. 

Finding your voice isn’t just about getting out of an abusive relationship, it is about finding your self-worth in who God says you are. 

As I became involved in our local church, I would have women remind me of God’s love, but I was advised that simply reading the Bible would solve everything. However, the real issue was that no one demonstrated how to truly connect with God or make His teachings relevant to my daily challenges. Instead, they just urged me to sort it out on my own.

This is why I love showing women how using God’s Word helps you live a transformed life. And to quote my husband it is not out of a legalistic requirement but an irresistible response for what He has done for us. 

The process isn’t an easy one and it requires a lot of sacrifice. 

Many times, it involves unlearning a behavior that you once believed to be normal from your upbringing. Transforming destructive patterns into healthy loops requires significant effort. You also have to realize that you didn’t just get into this lifestyle, it took years, so perseverance is required as you retrain your brain. 

My life’s purpose is to empower women with knowledge, enabling them to embrace their true identity as defined by God and live authentically for Him. 

The Tenth Anniversary… and the unsung hero

Have you ever realized your life consists of specific time frames? 

Before I was married. After I was married. 

Before I had children. After I had children. 

When I was a kid. After I left home. 

Hopefully you get the point. These frames of times can bring a feeling of joy or pain. We also use these as a reference of before and after especially when telling a story. 

I have a few frames that detail my life and today marks the tenth anniversary of a moment in time that changed so much about how I function in life. 

January 20, 2011 started just like most mornings. I sat down, had my coffee and quiet time. The weather was sunny and chilly on that day, very much like it is today. I rushed off to Nashville ten years ago with no thought that today would be the day that someone thought I was a threat and needed to be silenced. 

My Facebook status from today ten years ago was this. 

Thank you all for the prayers. I look like Rocky at the end of the fight scene. Pray that I do not have to have surgery on Wednesday and that my sight will not be affected. 

That was all I was worried about at that point in time. No surgery and my sight. The letters PTSD weren’t even part of my vocabulary, let alone the word Anxiety. 

For those who have followed this decade old saga knows that I have talked about all different aspects of it. And have even celebrated victories of healing. But for this anniversary I want to share a story that hasn’t had much attention and is still something that we have to overcome, even today. 

After the attack, and when the diagnosis of PTSD was given and the anxiety started to rear its ugly head, I, the victim was offered support and counseling. My husband, strong and brave spent the next few years being my over-protector because I was never sure when and where the triggers would happen. 

Then the healing started and I would venture out more and more by myself. I had such a great support system and my husband was extremely happy that I had been healed, but when a crime has been committed there are the victims, and then what I call the secondary victims.   

My husband, a secondary victim has silently dealt with this for ten years. He went from having lunch, planning a mission trip to being guilt ridden that he should have been there to protect me. 

He has felt anger that someone actually took their hands and hurt his bride. His anger wanted to find this person and hurt them as well. With all the support I received there was no one to talk to or work through his feelings. Mine always came first. 

Now that we are a decade past that dreadful phone call he received, I wish I could say he has been freed.  On Monday this week, he woke up with unexplained anxiety. I had it as well. It wasn’t debilitating, it was just present. That afternoon I had to write the date for something and it hit me that this was the anniversary week. I explained that to Rob and just a few minutes later he told me that the anxiety had lifted.

Your subconscious does funny things like that and you may go hours or even days without realizing where the anxiety, anger etc stemmed from. 

So today as I celebrate the fact I am still here on this earth, my prayer is for all the secondary victims who haven’t found healing. I pray even if it’s as simple as someone to talk to, they will reach out or someone will reach out to them. 

And I thank God for my hero… my husband who has sacrificed so I could heal.

Lord Heal Our Land

5 am clock

The house was dark and quiet and it felt like I had just fallen asleep but yet as I rolled over I was wide awake. It was five in the morning.  I had been telling God that I wanted to start getting up early to really get some great study time in so now I had a choice.

The alarm wasn’t going to go off for another hour, but God nudged me about my saying I wish I had more time.

I made my coffee and sat down in my chair. Purposely I laid my phone out of reach and turned it face down.  Facebook is my kryptonite, and it is a habit I need to break.  

As I started to journal I found myself not really praying for family and friends, but for our land.

Many times this year I have either heard or seen this snippet of a prayer, “Oh Lord Heal Our Land.”

Knowing these words in some form or fashion were in the Bible, I grabbed my phone and googled the words “heal our land”.  At first it came up with Youtube videos for songs and lyrics, so I advanced my search to add the word “Scripture.”

It took me to 2 Chronicles 7:14 

if my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and I will forgive their sin and will heal their land.

As I read that scripture I was convicted that once again… we want the blessing of the passage and gloss right over the requirements on our part. 

God appeared to Solomon (vs 12) and told him that “IF” my people.  Unfortunately all our prayers have been “God heal our land.” 

I want to look at the “If my people statements.” 

If my people will humble themselves

To humble ourselves means to think less of ourselves. As I was studying the passage in Second Chronicles it referenced Leviticus 26:41. 

When I have turned their hostility back on them and brought them to the land of their enemies, THEN AT LAST their stubborn hearts will be humbled and they will pay for their sins. (NLT)

Have we had stubborn hearts? Have we made everything about grace and not living a holy life? 

If my people will pray.

I am not sure about you but I pray.  But my prayers sometimes get to be more about my Christmas List than a dangerous prayer like the one we find in Psalms 139

Search me, God and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting. 
Psalms 139:23-24 (NIV)

Are we willing to ask in prayer; God search me. If there is any offensive way in me…. lead me in the way of everlasting?

If my people will seek My face

To seek means that we attempt to find.  Do we attempt to find God? Years ago there was a saying from a popular bible study that went something like this, “find where God is and join Him.” 

Again I am not sure about you, but if I am being honest, I do more leading and asking God to follow. 

In 1st Chronicles 16 verse 11 is states: 

Look to the Lord and His strength; seek His face ALWAYS. (NIV)

How do we seek His face always? One way I believe is to use the Holy Spirit that dwells in us as believers, in our lives daily. The job of the Holy Spirit is to teach, guide, comfort and intercede. I think we need to get back to asking the Holy Spirit to be our teacher instead of google, the pastor or even our friends. 

If my people will turn from their wicked ways….

We live in a fallen world. We have since Adam and Eve. There are many hot topics today and I have seen more hurt especially this year (2020) than I think I have seen in years combined. 

Instead of banning together as brothers and sisters in Christ we have allowed satan to find the cracks in our personal foundations and quickly expose them for what they are, living in our wicked ways. And just as satan was planning, we are sprinting into our wicked ways. 

In Zechariah 1:4 God is talking and says, 

“Do not be like your ancestors, to whom the earlier prophets proclaimed: This is what the LORD Almighty says: ‘Turn from your evil ways and your evil practices.’ But they would not listen nor pay attention to me, declares the LORD. (NIV)

So what are our evil practices? I am not going to use the clobber verses from Galatians 5, we know those all too well and we use them when it is convenient to shame others.  But what I will say is that we need to take a strong look in ourselves and start ridding ourselves of our worldly ways.  

There is an old proverb that many think is in scripture somewhere that says,  “Don’t be so heavenly minded that you are no earthly good. 

When I googled to find the address of that verse, I was met with three verses, and the quote by Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr.

1 Corinthians 15:58 

Therefore, my dear brothers and sisters, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord , because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain. (NIV)

Galatians 5:1 which states 

that it is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.  (NIV)

And the bomb was Philippians 1:27 

Whatever happens, conduct yourselves in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ. Then whether I come and see you or only hear about you in my absence, I will know that you stand firm in the one Spirit, striving together as one for the faith of the gospel. (NIV)

Nowhere do I see that we aren’t to be too heavenly minded.  What I do see is that we are to stand firm. Conduct ourseves in a manner worthy of the gospel of CHRIST. And give ourselves fully to the work of the Lord. 

Before we pray for God to heal our land, I think we need to start looking deep into ourselves and ask if we have bought into the “don’t be so heavenly minded” that now we ARE so earthly minded that we are no heavenly good. 

2 Chronicles 7 also referenced back to chapter 6 where it also said that we need to 

  1. Humble ourselves by admitting our sins
  2. Pray to God, asking for forgiveness
  3. Seek God continually
  4. And turn from our sinful behaviors

Remember that true repentance isn’t a mere prayer, telling God you are sorry. It is walking with a changed behavior. 

As I was finishing my quiet time, I was convinced that this was not just about asking God to heal this land, but it needed to be how I approach all my “asks” of the Lord.  

I need to make sure I am in a right posture to have God hear. 

Best Version of You is NOT found in someone else

I stumbled across a headline recently that said something to the effect that to become the best version of ourselves (women) we need to find the right man to love us. 

That headline has bothered me ever since it crossed my Facebook feed. 

Why?

My husband and I have had our troubles over the past 35 years, but it hasn’t been his loving me that made me the best version of myself. 

For the past 20 years I have taught women that Y.O.U is the acronym for Your Own Uniqueness. You have been created with a fingerprint from God that only YOU have. 

You were created with a purpose (Ephesians 2:10). 

You were knit together ON PURPOSE (Psalms 139). 

God created you with gifting’s (1 Corinthians 12).

If you think a man has the power to make you the best version of yourself, you are sadly mistaken. 

Yes God created us to be in relationship, In Genesis 2:18 The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” 

But in Genesis 1:27 it says: So God created mankind in His own image, in the image of God He created them; male and female He created them. 

The Hebrew word in Genesis 2:18 for Helper is Ayzer, an aid. To give assistance to, but it’s more than that. It’s something you can’t live without. It’s the same word David uses in the Psalms 121 when he says, “Where will my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth.” 

So yes…we are to be a team, but when you find your “best version” in a man because of the way he loves you, then when he has a bad day and doesn’t love you the way you think he should what will happen then? 

I’ll tell you based upon previous experience and years of working with women,  You will go back to your old ways. You will go back to what you know. 

Drugs

Alcohol

Toxic Relationships

Food

Workaholic

Just to name a few. 

So back to YOU.  You take YOU wherever YOU go. You take your actions, your reactions. You take years of baggage. You take years of hurt, shame and guilt. You take years of resentment. So when your prince charming doesn’t love you today like you thought he would, your world will come crashing down.  And according to research the fall and fallout will be worse than the last time. 

Why not take time today to figure out how to love yourself first. Even as I typed those words the skinny planked white oak wood floors, yellow white washed walls and white trim came to mind.  That was the room I was in when my sister looked at me and said “do you even love yourself?” 

“Of course I do!”  Was my response. But that sent me on a journey to find out do I really love myself or do I mask my non-love for myself with work, kids, relationships even if they are toxic? 

Today I can without a shadow of a doubt tell you that my husband makes me a better person everyday.  It is not because he loves me the right way per the world. He takes me to the cross of Jesus so that I can find my true worth in the only love that matters. My relationship with Jesus.  Without His love. Without His acceptance. Without knowing that I belong to Him. I would still be in my self-defeating cycles of life. Wandering aimlessly from relationship to relationship trying to find the best version of myself. 

 

On this day…

 

Taking off and going to Wal-Mart, Costco, Publix or any other store by myself.

Meeting a new friend for lunch, dinner, and finishing after the sun goes down.

Going to a stranger’s home for coffee.

Walking to my vehicle alone, even in the noonday sun.

If you had asked me to do any of these items (and many more) after January 2011 and prior to November 2017, I would have politely declined or found a way for my husband to take me and not leave my side.

Even though these things have once again become second nature to me, I have recently found myself being grateful to God that He healed me.

Today as I was scrolling on my Facebook Feed this came up.  Your most loved photo…

Here was the story behind that memory from 2 years ago today.

This picture was taken on the plane on the way home from Washington DC and here was my status:

I am so proud of myself. For those of you who know me, I suffer from PTSD and for the past few years have not strayed too far from Rob….but today I flew to DC by MYSELF to have meetings with 2 Congresswomen. I drove to the airport at 3:30 am and did the park and ride (thank you, Meredith Gabel Pratt, for the referral.)
Before the meetings, I walked around DC by MYSELF and took pictures. And did not get triggered… NOT even ONCE!
For those who suffer from PTSD know how big this is.

I still remember driving down 65 South that evening, calling my husband so excited that I had not been triggered. It wasn’t till a little later that I realized that God healed me that day.

 

As I was continuing to scroll, this was my memory from today 2012, almost two years after my attack and the beginning of my PTSD.

Yesterday I got an amazing phone call… it was from the Prison in Ohio. They want me to come back in the beginning of 2013 to speak to the guys again… Fast forward to today: I am still in Philippians 1 and this is what I read:

“And I want you to know, my dear brothers and sisters that everything that has happened to me here has helped to spread the Good News. For everyone here, including the whole palace guard, knows that I am in chains because of Christ. And because of my imprisonment, most of the believers here have gained confidence and boldly speak God’s message without fear.”

Why do I think this scripture is so cool? Because almost 2 years ago is when I was attacked: I did not see how God could use that for His kingdom. But I was wrong, because of the attack I now have been able to speak to groups in other states about being a victim of gang targeted violence and God’s forgiveness. Without God’s forgiveness in my life, I would never have been able to set foot back in our local jail week after week teaching; knowing that at any given moment he could be sitting across from me.

God wants to use all of our circumstances for His kingdom work. So as you go through your day watch for God to open doors for you to share with either words, a hug or even a prayer with someone who needs to know there is hope and they are not alone.

So how does this apply to 2018? As I have attempted to skillfully navigate my new life in Florida, I find myself in awe of God’s grace and mercy. I cannot tell you how many times over the last year, I have said a prayer of Thanksgiving, that I have been freed. I find myself at least weekly thanking God not only for the freedom from PTSD but that He is allowing everything I have gone through for the past 53 years of life, to be used in some form or fashion in a place I now call home.

What are you holding on to? What has you “stuck” saying there is no way I can overcome that?

I thought mine was PTSD, but GOD!

He is waiting to heal you so He can use your story to heal others.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.  Romans 8:28 (NIV)

Truth be told, all He asked was to Follow Him

For the past 2 weeks I have been fighting with God about a prescription I received almost a year ago. It read, “must have Florida Beach time often over the next year perhaps permanently.”  This prescription was given in response to my doctor telling me I needed to see a pulmonary specialist.  I told him it would have to wait 3 weeks seeing we were heading to Florida for family time and a church planting conference. In which he said the Florida air would do my lungs good.

More Florida Beach time

With prescription in hand, we headed to Florida.

That prescription was a catalyst that God used to get our hearts to be thinking of Florida.  I was under the assumption that once I moved to Florida then my asthma type symptoms would magically disappear. Instead for me and my body, (if you have followed any of my story), I don’t fit the mold. So why would I expect this to be any different?

I have been to a walk-in clinic now 3 times since our move to Florida.  I am on the exact same schedule I have been on since 2017.  Every 45-60 days.

I have made every excuse.

I cheated on my diet.

I was in the cold weather.

I was traveling.

For the past 18 months or so I have told doctors and myself.  “God is going to heal me. I just need to work out a few more things with my past. I just need to quit cheating on my dietary restrictions.”

In November, I was told that if I had one more flare up then I would need to see a specialist. Well today I once again found myself in the walk-in clinic.  The Doctor was not so pleasant.  She let me know without a shadow of a doubt I needed to find a primary care doctor sooner than later and get this under control.

So why this blog?

I had to come to grips that even though the prescription is part of our church planting story and why Cape Coral Florida, God knew I would need something that was of benefit to get my mind around moving 823 miles from my grandchildren and children.

Not being on steroids every 45-60 days and living in an area that is by the ocean and beautiful, was a great incentive and plus at that time we could do our job from anywhere. We were traveling for work 30-40 weeks out of the year anyway and it really didn’t matter where we started from.

By the end of February though, we were being called to plant a church, God even gave us handwriting on the wall, an 18-wheeler appearing out of nowhere as I am driving to the doctor because I am once again having an asthma flare up.

Fast forward to the past couple of months.  Nothing I thought would happen when we got here has come through. Everything I had put in motion to make the transition to Florida not feel so lonely, has fallen through.  And to top it off, I have been in the walk-in clinic 3 times since arriving.

I have silently been dealing with rejection and feeling like I was short changed. I have asked God to heal me. I have praised God for healing me. I have worked through more of my past. I have cried. I have laughed. I have screamed. And recently I have questioned.  Why? Why are you not healing me? I have faith. I believe. Why are you not healing me?

Then God gives me a flock of Ibis’s in the Wal-Mart parking lot.  To remind me He did heal me of my PTSD and there is no way I would have been able to move to a new area and plant a church with the anxiety and PTSD I had lived with for many years.

But God why are you not healing me of my asthma symptoms? Why did you bring me down here under false pretenses?

Then I read a book called Prodigal God by Tim Keller.

In the book was a story that went something like this.

Jesus says to pick up a stone and follow me.  You look around and because Jesus didn’t give you any specifications you pick up a small pebble and put it in your pocket.  A few miles down the road Jesus says to take your stone and place it in front of you.  He turns your “stone” into food.  You get very little because your stone is a pebble, others who were carrying bigger stones had much to eat because the food was commensurate to the size of the “stone.” Jesus now asks you to pick up another stone and follow Him. This time because you saw what He did for lunch you pick up the biggest stone you can find. You struggle and struggle. Finally, you get to a lake and Jesus says, “throw your stone in the lake.”   There is no food or any reward for carrying the big rock.  Jesus sees your frustration and He simple says, “All I asked you to do was follow me.”

As I was reading this sobbing, all God asked was, for me to follow Him. He also reminded me that the prescription came from man not God. God used it, but today I really know the meaning of the Proverbs.

In their hearts humans plan their course,
    but the Lord establishes their steps.
Proverbs 16:9 (NIV)

You can make many plans,
    but the Lord’s purpose will prevail.
Proverbs 19:21 (NLT)

 

Church Planters Cape Coral FL

I know beyond a shadow of a doubt if we had not moved we would have been disobedient.  But I am still human and as I was having a pity-party wondering what I had done wrong and why God had not healed me yet of my asthma symptoms, He reminded me that sometimes healing comes in the form of modern medicine I need to be okay with that and praise God for it.  And that the prescription for more Florida beach time was just a “sign” God used to get me ready for the next chapter our book He is writing with our lives.

To follow our church plant click the link  Restoration Christian Church

Satan will no longer take me hostage

 

 

I suffer from Asthma which is induced by food allergies. Over the past few years, I went from “yes you have food allergies, but you should be able to add things back into your diet; to I am sorry, now you can’t have… and the list gets added to.

To date I have to stay away from:

  • Gluten
  • Dairy
  • Eggs
  • Corn
  • Soy
  • Safflower/ Sunflower
  • Refined sugars
  • Peanuts

 

I have had doctors tell me:

Your body needs to rest

You need to heal

You are too stressed out

You have adrenal fatigue.

You need to take care of you.

 

So for the past few months, I have tried to lay low and to care for myself, especially when I was told, “you need to get rid of the stress or the stress will get rid of you.”

I was also told during this time that my food allergies may be the result of stress.

In reality though, I did not understand what any of that meant. No one was banging down my door to tell me what to do in a way that I understood it, so I muddled through the best I could.

It became apparent that I needed to figure out something because my asthma attacks were getting more and more frequent. So we made arrangements to change the way we did ministry; allowing me to REST.

But problems can become apparent when you allow your body to REST.  You may find out there are more layers of UNREST below and it rises to the surface.

This happened on October 7th.  I was teaching in my hometown in Michigan.  I did not think anything of it, but I guess my body did.  By the time the training was over, my neck was hurting.  It got so bad that I couldn’t sleep well, I had to hold my head to turn it while I was laying down and I had to hold the back of my neck just to swallow without pain.

By Wednesday I was in so much pain that I finally went to the Urgent Care Clinic.  I needed relief.  I still had one more training before I would be able to get home.   The Doctor said there was nothing wrong with me medically, but my neck was in knots, so she gave me a steroid shot, a prescription for a major steroid, a muscle relaxer and sent me on my way.

I was grateful for modern medicine but I also knew that I needed my chiropractor back home.

The rest of the trip went OK thanks to the steroids, but as soon as I was done with them and they were out of my system, it was back to the same level of pain.

I got in to see my chiropractor that week, he adjusted my neck and it started to feel a little better.

On October 24th, it was flared up and I was living on the muscle relaxers and pain relievers, so back to the chiropractor I went. As the doctor started checking me, he adjusted my back and did a few things through reflexology, but he never adjusted my neck.  He sat me up, looked at me and said “Meredith, there is nothing wrong with your neck. It is all stress related.  It is what I call a psychosomatic response. It’s all in your head.”

What? No! There has to be a medical reason.  Food allergy.  Something.  Not a psychosomatic response.  I was working so hard for the past few months to reduce my stress, because this is the same doctor who told me that if I did not reduce my stress, it would be reduced for me when my body shut down.

As I was on my way home, I texted my mom, “The verdict is in… its stress”.   When I was in Michigan earlier that month she told me it sounded like stress, and I answered, I have no stress.

The rest of the evening Rob and I started talking through things.  My childhood. Our marriage.

As we were talking, I wouldn’t have to say yes or no that did or did not bother me, my body did it for me. These talks turned into me having an ugly cry face, but I went to bed that night for the first time in 17 days and slept pain free.

You see I am really good at helping others figure out their life. Over the past 15 years, I have been working on myself, but only in a form of teaching and using my story to free others.  In September I was given a self-study that was geared toward healing my body.

On November 16th, a blog came out about what self care really means. Click here to read it

In this blog there were a couple of things that stood out. The main thing was:

 “how much (anxiety) comes from the way you were being trained to think before you even knew what was happening.”

In our program we teach on this very thing, but we don’t put this way.  For whatever reason, this statement hit me like a lead balloon.  I got out my journal and started thinking through her statement with The 180 Programs diagrams and my past.  Listening to the lies of satan through the voice of my step dad.  I believed what he said about me then and unfortunately I was allowing his words to shape my current thinking.

As I read and re-read the blog, I realized I was allowing the antics of satan to tell me that I was not good enough and that I was not being healed because I did not have enough faith.  I was also allowing my “lens of life” to be one that unfortunately still had the blurred lines of lies that I was trained to believe.

The day after I read this, I was able to journal my thoughts and feelings, God brought a woman into my life and she led me in a one-on-one prayer of self-reflection.  During this prayer time I was directed to events that were troublesome. I was then directed to just talk it out.  When I was finished talking, she would ask Jesus to tell me where He was in all of this.  What were the lies. Where was the truth?  As I sat in the room with a total stranger, I wept until I could cry no more, but I felt free.

For quite a while I have been praying for healing.  I was asking for healing from my food allergies… but what I realized was God healed me from something greater.

When I woke up this morning, I realized I was happy.  I have been asking God to make me happy in my journal for a long time.  I had not realized how many lies I was still allowing to engulf my daily life. I was still allowing satan to take me hostage in my own thought life.  It was subtle, but I realized how I framed my questions, how I framed statements, how I allowed the voices from my past to become the lens I walked my daily life through, and they were keeping me in bondage of fear.

Today I choose to walk with a renewed mind.  I will work to see myself through lenses of a loving Jesus.  He may choose to allow something bad to happen again, in fact I’m sure I will face difficulties, but I will not let those events be the lens that I filter my tomorrow through.

I have a choice and so do you.

Road Closed!!!

This was originally written on July 19, 2014 on my old blog site at the180program.blogspot.com. This was a very dark time for me personally and unfortunately I could not speak to many about it, becuase it was better to put on a mask and fake it than it was for the truth to be known.  Today though I am very grateful to be able to say I am on the other side of it; and my body is still in the healing process. 

Road Closed!!! NOT

This past week, if you watch my news feed on Facebook,  you would have seen this status:

You know that point where you are so tired of praying for God to answer, and you are trying to be obedient and not go back to the cross where you laid it and pick it up and try to “fix it” yourself….Yep I am there.

 

God took me to Haggai earlier this week. Today during my quiet time I was in Haggai 2.

‘Does anyone remember this house—this Temple—in its former splendor?
How, in comparison, does it look to you now? It must seem like nothing at all!
But now the Lord says: Be strong, Zerubbabel. Be strong, Jeshua son of Jehozadak, the high priest.
Be strong, all you people still left in the land.
And now get to work, for I am with you, says the Lord of Heaven’s Armies.
My Spirit remains among you, just as I promised when you came out of Egypt. So do not be afraid.’

What first hit me was “Does anyone remember this house…. this Temple…. In its former splendor…. Do you remember when you first became a Christ follower?  Were you on fire to tell everyone about what Christ had done for you?  And today what happened to that Former Splendor. Where is that fire today?

God asks in the next line “How in comparison does it look to you know”?

As real life happens and we don’t get our prayers answered as we see fit… we let the lies start to slip in and we start to think God doesn’t really care about our dreams and prayers. Then to make matters worse, you start hearing of people getting prayers answered and you are wondering; “What did I do wrong?”, “Why did my prayers not get answered?”  “What’s wrong with me?”

And so we allow the Splendor of who God really is… fade.

Some will walk away from the truth because the grass looks greener on the other side (remember though, that grass is being grown over the septic field). Some will try self-medication: shopping, drinking, drugs, changing something to fit in to a society they don’t want to fit in; but some image consultant said that would get them noticed.

We need to remember even in our darkest days, when the depression overcomes us, the shame of our past and we want to give up, quit or fix it our self and not wait on God…. We need to read the rest of this verse….

Be STRONG and NOW get to work…for I AM is with me…the Spirit was left as a guarantee to guide and direct… DO NOT BE AFRAID!
Version Mine 

If this spoke to you and you would like me to pray for you, fill out the form below with your request.

She doesn’t want your pity

Rob and I met Jamie in the early 2000’s, when she showed up on our door step with a little girl in a car carrier and pregnant with her son.  She will tell you within 30 minutes my husband had her in tears.  jamie-and-jaz-zoo

Not because he or I were condemning her, but because we were telling her that she was worthy of a life different than what she thought or saw at that point.

In the years to come we would walk with her in relationship, be Gramma Meredith and Grandaddy Rob to her kids.  I still remember walking through Wal-mart and her son, who was an infant was crying uncontrollably and unconscionable. We would quickly realize that baby peaches were NOT his friend. ian

Over the past 13 years Jamie has loved her children well as a single parent.  She does not look for peoples pity, and actually her pride keeps her from asking for help.  In December 2008, Jamie fell ill with bilateral pneumonia and was hospitalized, 3 days later her legs no longer worked.

That was the first of 5 times she has had to relearn to walk.

It took the doctors until August 201o, but finally she was diagnosed with MS.

Over the years she would work as much as she could but then the pain, and stress would get the best of her and her body would shut down again.

Some would say she was faking.

Others would say “oh poor baby”, but Jamie did not complain.

She would walk her kids to school using her walker. She would make sure they were getting the best education.  All the while her MS would flair up, whenever it decided (arms being paralyzed for weeks on end and legs not working properly for 6-9 months). She had put in the paperwork for disability, but MS is very hard to get on disability for, is what she was told, so she worked when she could and lived very frugally.

And if her MS was not enough, her daughter and son both fell ill.  Ian’s diagnosis is Crohn’s and with dietary restrictions he fairs pretty well.  Jazzy, after many hospital visits and stays, they finally found chronic intestinal pseudo-obstruction.

homeless-2012

Jamie and the kids at AtG’s Annual Christmas Dinner for men at Room in the Inn

In 2013, a van was donated to the ministry and who else would benefit so much from a vehicle but Jamie. The coolest part of the story;van-2013 this vehicle was donated by a high school teacher, and Jamie had actually had him as a teacher.  He was so thrilled that she was the recipient, because he always knew she would do great things.

After Jazzy got released from the hospital, the doctors ok’d   Jamie to surprise the kids and take them to Florida.    While there they slept in the van on the beach…just a big slumber party. Jamie quickly realized that the warmth and  sun did everyone a lot of good. She searched out an apartment and a job.  She came home to announce that at the end of the school year they would leave for Florida.

Upon moving to Florida everything fell apart and they ended up living in their van on the beach.

She did not give up.

She preservers.

She finally gets a break and moves into an apartment and has a job.

She is thrilled…. then just when she things are looking up… she ends up wheel chair bound.

During this time many wanted to “fix it” for her.  Many wanted her to move back so we could “take care” of her.  But she stood or in this case “sat” her ground and said, “I know you all love me, but I need to stay here.”

At Christmas last year we went to Florida to just have some fun.  Everyone chipped in and we stocked her cabinets and bought Christmas gifts that I made her wrap.  We went and got pedicures and wheeled her down to the beach.  We cried, we laughed but not once did she ask for pity… she asked that God would allow her to walk again.

Here is a short video of our adventures:

On October 12th this was her Facebook Status:

 Hello, everyone. I just wanted to update everyone. I know I have been gone a long time but it was much needed time away. I will probably only stay on a few days just to catch up with yal and to get numbers to keep in touch in the future. This year has been a really hard year. I truly wasn’t sure if Id ever really walk again. I really had lots of days of being so discouraged, and some of those days I would verbalize out loud where Jaz and Ian would hear and immediately they would respond with “Mommy don’t say that you will walk again.” Then I would wheel myself to my room and cry out to God to please help me. I didn’t want to let my kids down and I did feel like I had started giving up. So I really needed to do some soul searching without distractions. Once I got off FB my therapist and I busted butt. She worked me soooo very hard but she believed in me even when I didn’t believe in myself. MS isn’t all that know about but its a MONSTER. It doesn’t just affect your central nervous system. It affects every single thing in your body. Its painful everyday and you have to fight every single day. Well in August I finally got out of my wheelchair and onto my walker and as of September I am now not using anything. I still have a little limp but I have come so far with Gods strength and I fight everyday for my 2 beautiful babies. I passed my neuro exam and now back behind the wheel which feels amazing. I know I have had so many people praying for me and I truly appreciate every single one. I still have a ways to go but at least I’m headed back in the right direction. I love yal and hope yal are all doing amazing!!

She sent me this video (October 12th,2016)

Then as she drove her children to school a few weeks ago, a young lady “thought” she could make it, but there was no time to stop and the van was totaled, but once again Jamie did not ask for pity… she did the hard work needed to find just the right vehicle in her price range and God provided.

She finally has jumped through all the hoops of the disability system and prayerfully she should receive her first check by the end of the 1st quarter 2017.

So why this blog?  The only “disability” I have is, I deal with food allergies and PTSD.  I have a husband who has provided for our family for the past 32 years and when adversity hits me…. I start to cry out “why me?”  I don’t have even half of the perseverance that Jamie does.

I teach every week about obtaining goals and I hear all the excuses you can imagine.  Jamie has modeled when it comes to having a goal,  get rid of all your “distractions” so you can focus on your end result.

She knows she has many long days ahead of her so if she comes to mind keep her in your prayers.

As you strive to reach your goals and doubt and fear start to creep in… remember this young single mom who has once again has had to relearn to walk 5 times, and after being wheelchair ridden for 9 months is now WALKING.

Surviving Church with PTSD and Anxiety

The last month or so I have left church with almost this panic attack, anxiety feeling.

My inner most being has said “suck it up cupcake, it’s church you are secure.”

Even as I am writing this the tears are flowing and the anxiety I feel is about a 9.5 on a 10 scale and I have been home from church for an hour.

I don’t like feeling like this~ the girl who loves serving~ who loves to teach~ is floundering trying to figure out how to get involved and subside this emotional roller coaster of anxiety and panic attacks.

As I talked with my amazing husband, we decided we would first try a different service time. The 9am service is not as packed and maybe the overflowing service has triggered something. So today we attended the 9am service. I did well, but as the service let out, and we were leaving the anxiety started to fill me again.

We head home,but first we need to stop at Kroger. My husband realizes that my arms are folded and I am walking with much more of a purpose. “I’m fine”, is my reply. All the while my inner being is saying: “as long as you don’t say much, keep busy, you won’t lose it.”

Yeah, I make it through Kroger. Now home. My husband comes over to me, wraps his loving arms around me and starts to pray, I start to cry.

I am so tired of feeling like this. This cloud. This anxiety. This very easy could become a dark depression if I let it.

So I sit down and start writing, the tears flowing as I pray “God, something’s gotta give, and I am afraid it’s going to be me.”

I start to let my mind wander.

These are the words I come up with:

The accident

The man who didn’t fit in

The bathroom

No more happy place

So the first word: Accident (totaling the motorcycle on June 28)

Adding additional Trauma to someone who already deals with PTSD, and their go to behavior is to stay busy so you don’t have to feel…is not a recipe for a beautiful wedding cake, but a recipe for disaster.image

I have realized that growing up, when things were bad at home, I kept myself busy. I figured if I just locked myself in my room, the bad would happen, and I would just walk out when things were done blowing up. Again not a healthy way to cope with real life and feelings.

Second word was: Man who didn’t fit in

Right aconquering PTSDfter the accident and right after the Chattanooga shootings, there was a gentleman who came to our church services. I did not recognize him. His clothing choices, did not fit the 90 degree weather we were having, and seeing we are in the suburbs, having this person being someone of the homeless population that I minister to in the Nashville area, wasn’t even on my radar. The whole service long my anxiety was heightened, again to the panic attack mode. I wasn’t even safe in the church building, was my thought.

During this time, I had started using a different set of bathrooms that were off the beaten path. There was never a waiting line before or after church. Here is where the issue was, this was the bathroom, in which right after the attack (January 2011) I found myself in when I started bleeding from my nose and it was so bad that we had to call the doctor to make sure everything was ok. So, now every time I walked into this bathroom, I immediately went back to that night, which went back to the attack.

And then my happy place.

My happy place was destroyed through words of discouragement.

So why did I write about this. First because my therapy is writing. It may not fix all my anxiety and panic attacks today but getting it out and verbalizing it allows for satan to not take up any more residence in my thoughts.

Secondly, I know I am not the only person who deals with PTSD, anxiety and panic attacks. Not everyone has such an amazing spouse who is in-tune to your feelings and can give you a safe place to think, vent and strategize. If you are that person who does not have a special someone where your feelings are safe, please do not let this anxiety, panic attacks become a deep dark depression please, please talk to someone. Don’t let it engulf you.

And thirdly, even though church is supposed to be a safe place, it can also hold a lot of triggers for people.
My question to myself is how am I going to work through this? How am I going to control it verses letting it control me?

You see having these issues don’t define you unless you give them permission to.