I have been thinking about this for a while and I felt the need to blog about it. Sex before Marriage and the stigma that comes with that especially in the realm of Church and Christianity.
I have been to many churches; even been kicked out of a couple… And the theme is: sex before marriage will create an issue in your marriage.
Not growing up in the church, not knowing how to study the Bible for myself; I relied on the church, pastors, and other people. This just added to the guilt and shame of being pregnant before marriage.
I accepted The Lord as my Savior in the late 90’s, but unfortunately even though I was very active in the church I still did not understand the implications of NOT reading and studying the Bible for myself.
From the pulpit we are hearing sermons about freedoms from addictions: sex, drug, alcohol, pornography, but what about the freedom to have a great marriage even though you had sex before marriage……can God forgive that?
I have been on a journey this holiday season to make this WHOLE HOLIDAY Season the best one yet. I have been doing soul searching and have realized that one of the items on my to do list was made very clear and that was to rekindle a love for my husband and our marriage.
Our marriage started on very rocky ground in 1985.
Me not being the Christian.
Rob professing to be the Christian, but not living like it.
Me being pregnant was somehow my fault.
Rob made $3.35/ hour and didn’t always get 40 hours.
To add to my shame and guilt we were on food stamps (when they were paper and you had to count them out), received government subsidized food that we picked up at a Church (peanut butter, cheese, pork and vegetables). Then to top it off the Church paid our bills more than once.
A Pastor even said to his wife “they will never make it” as we drove out their driveway to move back home for awhile.
Our marriage has never been normal or all it “could” by some peoples standards but part of that has to do with shame and guilt continued by marriage seminars and Sunday sermons about how taboo sex before marriage was and that you will not have a good marriage because of that fact. While I do believe sex before marriage is a sin, it is NOT the unforgivable sin and does NOT have to haunt you the rest of your life.
These last few years I have been studying the Bible for myself even writing studies that I wish I would have had when I was trying to figure out life as a new Christian.
Last Christmas was our first Christmas as empty nesters. This now meant it was just Rob and I and this had never been the case. After Christmas I realized that it was time to work even more on me and our marriage.
So this past year has been a year of intentionality of marriage.
Has it been easy? No.
Has it always been fun? NO.
But here are my takeaways
1) Just because things were done in your past does not mean they have to define the rest of your life.
2) I realized that I had become the “codependent” mother I teach about. I had spent the last 29 years taking care of everyone that I needed to, and still am on a journey to find me and not let my excuses become my realities.
3) And the biggie that I have learned just this last week: words hurt but I have 2 choices: a) learn from them
b) let them keep you in bondage
I have allowed the later to happen. Words or statements like ” your marriage will never be all that it can be because….you had sex before marriage”.
So if you are one of the many who did NOT wait to have sex before marriage and have had this shame and guilt over you; my prayer is that you will find that God’s forgiveness for sins included you having sex before marriage and that your marriage is what you make it.
And when you ask God to forgive you for your sins and make Him The Lord of your life…. God wipes your sins clean He does forgive you for all…. including sex before marriage but here is the clincher….You need to forgive YOU.
This was what was missing…. I had allowed the words spoken by man to hold more weight than Gods word.
If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. 1 John 1:9
If you need more information about forgiving yourself please email me at meredithsagekendall@gmail.com