Worthy

If you were guaranteed success and money was taken care of, what would you do with your life?
Many of us had dreams when we were younger and for whatever reason they were dashed by the time we became adults.
We were either told, you can’t become a princess because they only exist in fairy tales or you were told to be realistic because you aren’t tall enough, skilled enough or thin enough to become “that”.

Do you remember being a kid and saying, “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never harm me?” Now that I teach life recovery classes on a daily basis to people who are overcoming addictions, abuse or negative cycles of life, I realize that whoever wrote that was trying real hard to do the “Positive Self-talk” or they were trying to strengthen their child because of the horrible parenting they had done. Whatever the reason, if we are really honest with yourselves the words of, “you can’t do that”, “that will never work”, or “you’re not good enough”, still haunt us today and we may find ourselves stuck on this cycle of letting life happen.

I teach every week in the darkest corners of the United States, in our jails and prisons. I know what hopeless looks like. I know what oppression feels like. I also know what it is to be locked up inside my own prison filled with doubt and self-sabotage.

To know me, you would never guess I deal with the feeling of being worthless. I am full of self-confidence because I am a survivor. I have survived being abused as a teen by my stepfather. I overcame the feelings of abandonment by my father. I survived being neglected by the church, because I didn’t know all the hidden rules and I didn’t fit in, which just added to my feeling of worthlessness. I even overcame feelings of neglect as my husband worked 3 jobs and the emotional trauma of marital infidelity from both my husband and I. And just when I thought God was finished, I became the survivor of a gang attack in 2011 which has produced PTSD.

To be a survivor, you can have all the confidence in the world. But self-esteem is an estimate of yourself, and if you have been beat down by words and events, you start to believe this as truth about yourself.

This year my husband and I read a book called “One Word that will change your life” by Jon Gordon, Dan Britton and Jimmy Page. My word this year is “Worthy”. I started 2016 by repeating that “I am worthy of: (and then I would journal what I was worthy of), after a couple of weeks I realized that in order to overcome the “less than feelings of unworthiness” I needed to start taking a serious look at who I was internally and ask myself “Do I even love myself?”

Old habits are hard to break and one of my biggest habits is self-sabotage. The definition of sabotage is deliberate destruction. So if you put the word “self” in front of that you get “deliberate self-destruction”. When you couple self-sabotage and low self-esteem with a high self-confidence you find in a survivor, the results can actually be disastrous.

I have around me a support system that I can call on when my days don’t go so great. The challenge for many is that they look so put together on the outside, that they can’t be honest with what’s going on inside and all the while they are dying for someone to say “it’s okay, you do not have to be all put together for me”.

Please don’t go another day without reaching out to someone if you are that person dying inside. For more information about The 180 Program that we use everyday please click here.

If you want more information about having me speak for your women’s group or retreat please fill out the following form.

The Kendall Factor: A legacy of Faith

This past April I had the privilege of spending a week at the beach with all my husbands brothers and sisters, their spouses, mom and dad and another couple who grew up knowing the Kendall’s. It was here that the friend brought up the term, “The Kendall Factor.” What did he mean by “The Kendall Factor?” All 16 people sitting at that table are devoted to Christ and continuing the legacy of the Kendall family. I am not a Kendall by birth, I am a Kendall by marriage. For the longest time it was just the name I was given when the preacher pronounced us man and wife.

Most know that Robs and my marriage did not start off on the best of feet. I was pregnant. We hadn’t known each other long and to make matters worse, Robs mom and dad found out we were getting married when I called to ask what my soon to be father-in-laws middle name was becuase I needed it for the invitations. There has been many more rocky roads in this 31 years BUT GOD is all I can say.

I know that for the past 3 decades, beyond a shadow of a doubt, my marriage has been prayed for by my in-laws.

When you are young and living life things doesn’t really sink in, but now today things have changed. I realized I am a Kendall. This past weekend I read a book written by Robs grandfather. Its like an autobiography/tales from the road, but in reality it was much more than that. It was about a legacy that started in the late 1800’s when Rob’s Great-Grandfather was saved.

I laughed, I cried and by the end of the book I mourned.

Grandpa’s dad, was saved in the late 1800’s. He was out in the woods when he gave his life to Christ, (maybe that is why Rob loves the woods so much). Here is the story as told by Grandpa

My father was converted at age 20 while alone in the woods. At that time, he was attending a church where a cuspidor (a large bowl, often of metal, serving as a receptacle for spit, especially from chewing tobacco) was kept by the pulpit for the worldly pastor, and where board members sometimes became so heated in argument they would pull off their coats. Fathers testimony must have been a shocker. He said, “The Lord saved me from chewing tobacco and getting mad”. The people responded, saying, “Bert, we believe you are in earnest, but don’t you think you have gone too far?”

The same Jesus that saved my Great-Grandfather that day can and will deliver you but you have to be willing. Great-Grandpa was willing and he actually then moved to a different church and became a circuit pastor.

First conviction: When “church people” are telling you to not take it too far when you have been freed from something, do you stand your ground and find where God would have you to worship or do you allow their worldly behaviors to make you think “maybe God doesn’t really require me to give up these things?”

Great-Grandmother prayed for her children. She actually said that she was convinced before Walter was even born that she knew he would be a preacher, and Grandpa says that is why he was named Walter Sellew after a “bishop of her church”.

Next conviction: Do we pray for and over our children like that?

We get caught up in our daily lives, I get that; but why do we not pray for our children’s lives before we have them? And I mean specific prayers of doing great things?

Back to the story:

At 16 Grandpa was running away from his faith. The only reason he went to a camp meeting that afternoon was because he heard that Ruth Johnson was going to be there (he had met her earlier, but he got sick and had to return home to heal). Grandpa says it was a dreary afternoon, someone trying to preach and suddenly he saw himself as a sinner sliding into Hell. He goes on to say ” my mothers prayers for me must have been with me, for all I had been taught about God became real to me”. In his book he then said these words became meaningful to him :

There is a spot to me more dear,
Than native vail or mountain:
A spot for which affection’s tear
Springs grateful from its fountain.
Its not the place of kindred minds,
Though that is almost heaven;
But where I first my Savior found
and felt my sins forgiven.

Religion had only been a teaching “Thou Shall NOT”, then suddenly the world became new to me and I was never the same again.

As I read this story of my grandfather-in-laws life, I found myself yearning more and more for this life of faith, this life led by the Holy Spirit, to be filled with the Holy Spirit. I don’t mean he was speaking in tongues or jumping pews, he had a faith knowing that Jesus heals, that Jesus provides, that Jesus nudges us to live a life full of holiness. I wanted this filling. I don’t want the head knowledge but the filled with the Holy Spirit in my heart so full that is exudes through every pore of my body. The filling of the Holy Spirit that when you are not being pure and right that you can’t sleep until you make it right.

Here are memes I made while reading the book.

One of the quotes that I felt convicted of was do I pray, “Lord if you will make it plain, I will do it?” Grandpa was talking about being truthful and publicly placing on the alter his sin of the heart. Pride, conceit, carnal fear, and carnal ambition. It was during a camp meeting and the first words the Evangelist that night said not once but used it over and over in the 15 minutes he spoke: John 2:5 “Whatever he says to you, do it.”

As the Evangelist was done speaking, Grandpa got up, stated his need, begged to be forgiven and asked for prayer. In his book, Grandpa said, “At the alter satan taunted me saying” you have made a fool of yourself. You will have to get up and go on as you are”.

As I read this I realized how many times satan keeps us in our fear to seriously ask God to forgive us because we don’t see God for who He is and what He is calling us to do.

To end this, I realized while reading this book that I am part of a legacy that was started in the late 1800’s.

What am I doing to continue this legacy?

I panicked and became the church

In 2011 I was in an interview that would change my life.

We were in what I have named, “the weekend from hell”.

During this weekend, little sleep was given and you were put to all kinds of tests. The objective was to see if you were called to plant a church.

Even though I can’t go into many details of the weekend, I want to share this one event, because even today, 5 years later I think back to that day and say, “Who was that, that was not me.”

My task was to teach a mock Sunday school class. I had to come up with original material and it could not be anything I had already written or taught on. I stayed up late preparing and was excited for the task the next day.

The day progressed and it was finally my time. I was being judged and in my class was the wife of the leader. I was so nervous because this was a church planting assessment, so I had picked a good ole church passage and church lesson. I was all out of sorts, because if you know me this is NOT how I write or teach. I share from my heart; I share what God has been showing me. I DON’T flat out make up a Sunday school lesson.

The participants were kind as I started and was fumbling along. Then out of left field, one of the participants took on a “character” that was definitely not someone who would voluntarily come to church.

This characters line of questioning and her answers threw me and I panicked. My husband said, “I would not have believed it if hadn’t seen it with my own eyes. You panicked and became the church.”

There was no compassion to find out who this person was. There was no, “Hey’ let’s get lunch afterwards.” There was no, “Lets finish this lesson, because it sounds like you have many questions, maybe we could meet for coffee.”

No it was—- well we will put the lesson aside and you WILL become a Christian, right here….right now.

Needless to say I flunked that interview, but what I did learn was that I cannot change the way I teach Bible because I was being interviewed. God has gifted me to use real life situations, accompanied with His word to bring people to a transformed way of living and ultimately into relationship with Him. For that I am eternally grateful.

The valuable lesson I learned that day; stay true to how God created me to teach His word.

So you want to start an Inner-City Youth program

In 2003, God called my husband and me away from 2, 6 figure incomes to become Stateside Missionaries. For the past 13 years I have given my all to families who are broken. My children have commented, at times, it felt like I cared more for the moms than I did my own family.

My husband has written a book called “Breaking the Broken: Debunking the Myth of Social Justice”. This book is not just a tidbit of our story, but more importantly Gods plan to redeem the poor to dignity by walking with them in relationship. The challenge comes when everyone has their own idea of how things are to work instead of using Jesus as our example. Jesus healed people. Jesus gave people dignity. Jesus empowered people to take care of themselves.

As I sat in court this morning my heart broke not just for the kids, but also for the mothers, because both are a product of their environment.

I tell people all the time that most of the moms we work with are just children in parent bodies. They are trying to navigate life without the needed tools.

How do we change this?

Have we ever considered expanding your Inner-City Youth programs and making them Inner-City Family Programs?

While having fun with kids is important, did you include the parents? Did you know that there could have been a father figure in the home? Did you know that you just added to his belief that he will never be a good enough father?

Did you know that the mom would have absolutely loved to be invited to the “mother-daughter” outing?

An inner-city youth program to be successful, to break the chains off, needs to be intentional: family style. I mean everyone sit down to the dinner table and become vulnerable to each other.

A truly successful ministry results in families being given the tools to make it on their own through sustainable life services.

Thirteen years ago, we were told by prominent pastors in the area that Against the Grain would never work. We needed to go back to work and take care of ourselves. That the moms were just going to take advantage of us because they truly did not want to change. As we continued to serve the moms, helping them to get education and jobs (sustainable changes), other churches and non-profits would start working in the same neighborhood just giving everything away. There was no training, just vehicles showing up, opening their back ends and flooding the neighborhoods with all the free stuff, one could want. So why would anyone want to learn or try for themselves, when if they just waited a few days, people would show up and give them things?

We met with those that were coming into the neighborhood, because if we worked together and quit giving everything away, there could be sustainable change in the lives of the moms and therefore the children.

I was told that I did not know what I was talking about and the giveaways would continue. Equipping people to break free from the cycles of poverty is an uphill battle and the constant giveaway programs made it nearly impossible. We chose to refocus our efforts and work to repair the damage give away programs had created. While we continued our relationships in the community we started working with men and women that were incarcerated or previously incarcerated.

Where are those organizations today? They have long gone onto the next thing, left the neighborhood and in turn left the moms worse than they were. Many of them were on course to do something with their lives, but missed their window of opportunity.

Did you know you only have 5 years to get off the government system? With an action plan one can go to school, get an education and graduate with a Bachelor’s degree before losing all benefits from the government. Many of these women lost this opportunity and are now struggling to survive.

Today as I sat in court, my heart broke because the church has failed. I have failed. I allowed others to dictate the outcome. I allowed the words of others to impact my ability to fight for those we had so passionately adopted as daughters and grandchildren.

You may be thinking you want the fast easy way to change a life but change takes time. Breaking the cycles of poverty is not a microwave dinner.

Relationship is messy and you cannot pick and choose what part of the inner-city family you are going to work with. Life change takes a holistic approach. You cannot change one without working with the rest of them; that is NOT the way inner-city relationships work.

God has shown me that I have a voice in this fight. God has allowed all this transition to take place so we can become even more fruitful for His Kingdom.

I still work with moms and children, I still work in jails, halfway homes and transitional centers. I still teach in homeless shelters and low income communities, but in order to be the most effective for God, it is time to train those who want to start an effective Inner-City Family Program. After all, Jesus equipped and trained others to go and do.

They didn’t choose to be Homeless

In November I started teaching the women at the local homeless shelter. I was excited to be a teacher of Job Readiness and Parenting. The Job Readiness class is about to wrap up and has been very successful. The parenting class though has been a different story.

We started with week 1 and there were 4 women in class but 2 of them had their children with them. When I inquired why these children were not with the rest of the children I was told “they are not allowed to participate in the activity with the other children”.

The 2^nd week the children were once again in the class, I asked why the children were in the parenting class when a group had come to have a Christmas party with ALL the children. The answer again was “they are not allowed to participate in the activity with the other children”. So I proceeded to sit down to teach and the 2 other women, whose children were allowed to participate said, “If there are going to be children in the class, then I won’t come”. They stood up and left.

That night instead of teaching about parenting I told my families story of an unruly teenager. How we had her locked up before her senior year in high school and how she could have chosen to quit after high school. I talked about how she kept plugging away and did graduate just last year with a Bachelor’s Degree. I told them about owning a pizzeria and what I learned there. We were all over the map with discussion and stories, but at the end of the night that group of pre-teens/teens asked if I would teach them about jobs, anger and getting along (basically these were the subjects we touched on during my talk). I was so excited and got approval to come back the following week to teach the teens.

When I walked into the shelter that Tuesday evening I was ushered quickly upstairs to the kids room. They asked “now what is the lowest age group you want?”

What, excuse me? After comprehending that they thought I was here for all the children I said “I am here for just the two families and their children?”

To which I was told “I am sorry but they are not allowed to participate in any activity with the other children”.

As I sat there in this empty room I was overcome with all types of emotions… but the main emotion I felt was sadness. I had let those kids down. I promised I would be back to teach them. I had the relationship with them, and now I was in a room with pre-teens and teens that had NO relationship with me so why would they listen to me.

I quickly decided that God had me here so I was going to make the best of it and figure out the rest later.

A few sat down at the tables, a couple in the chairs up against the wall, and one of the youngest came and sat on the built-in bookshelf right next to me.

We chit chatted for a bit and then we talked about rules and why there are rules.

We talked about anger and how we need to control it. We also talked about things we could do when we got angry that did not include hitting someone or something.

We talked about fathers and relationships with their dads. The youngest one sitting right next to me blurted out “I don’t have a dad, I have a sperm donor”. My heart sank when I heard that, because I knew those were the words of his mother or mother’s family.

I realized that these kids were all angry in their own way. Some have been labeled “trouble makers” and it’s easier to live up to that label than to let someone get close because they don’t know what tomorrow has in store. They did NOT ask to be homeless. Nobody asked them if they wanted their life to have to fit into a locker. Their mothers for whatever reason have chosen to live in this shelter. Their lives are always in a state of flux with no personal space to call their own. If their mother gets angry at a rule she can yank the kids up out of their seats and storm out, not to be let in again til the next day. If their mother happens to find “love” they could find their things at a complete strangers one night and back at the shelter the next because “love” didn’t work. Some are in the shelter because their mother stated it was better to be homeless living in a shelter in Nashville than staying in Michigan or Ohio.

So what’s the answer? Relationships.

Healthy relationships with the moms and the kids.

And where will these relationships come from? The church

If you are interested in becoming a part of the solution please contact us. We will train you and your volunteers. We will give you the tools to allow you to be an in an equipping relationship and make sustainable changes in the lives of hurting families.

Missionaries can be Stateside too

When someone is a missionary, they are like special forces behind enemy lines….this goes for stateside missionaries too.

This past week I was one of 5 speakers for a luncheon. As I was preparing for the talk, Rob asked me what the topic was supposed to be; I said I was not sure if there was a theme. Then he asked how long do you have; again I said, I am not sure.

All I knew was that lunch was on Friday and I was the “stateside missionary” speaking.

As we were traveling to the conference we started the process of writing down different things, so that no matter what the topic was to be, I would be prepared.

We arrived at the conference, and found out that lunch was on Friday at noon, in the Marriott.

The conference started and our booth was bustling with people and I never got around to asking the 2 very important questions.
1) how much time?
2) what was the topic?

I arrived at the luncheon and decided now was probably a good time to at least ask how long and when do I speak.

Luckily, I was last and I had only 7 minutes. I can wing this, I said to myself. The MC gets up and says “now you will hear from our missionaries”. What no lead in, no question, no nothing….just tell us what’s on your heart.

It was finally my time to speak and as I stood up, I felt the lump in my throat rising. All I could think was, how am I going to speak for 7 minutes when I don’t think I am going to be able to say the first words with out the tears starting.

I was wrong, the tears waited for me to start talking and feel somewhat comfortable, then they started.

So’s why was this hard?

It was hard because the last week in ministry leading up to this event was extremely difficult.

We had a mom who was desperately trying to make ends meet, almost losing her housing. The price tag for that was over $1700. After all the pleas that went out and the mom putting in over 10% of her own money, we only raised $800 of it. So as a ministry we covered it in hopes that the money would come in to replace it. It hasn’t, but she has a roof over her head and a budget to stick to and they are NOT homeless.

We had a mom overdose and was being buried while we were away.

Then, the computer we use crashed right before the big presentation.

Usually, I would be able to get some time alone with the Lord, pray, journal, sleep and be refreshed the next day. This was not the case. Everyday seemed to bring even more darkness.

Then it hit me the notes from the car ride about being a stateside missionary. They were raw emotion being verbalized. For so long you just do and don’t think, but when you see things on paper they become real and even started hurting, especially because I was so tired and felt so alone.

Here are some of our notes and what I am realizing is that they are true for many stateside missionaries.

So if you or your church supports a stateside missionary please ask God how you might encourage them this year and for as long as they are on the front lines.

When you are a stateside missionary you do not get invited to speak at churches through out the U.S. when you come home on furlough, to be asked how’s it going, and how can we support you even more.

Most don’t acknowledge the work of a stateside missionary so therefore very few outside your own hometown support the work.

Stateside missionaries don’t get care packages.

One of the biggest challenges stateside missionaries have is that of resources. Sometimes we think it would be easier to do the work in a third-world county without the resources available, instead of knowing they are available but not being allowed to use them.

Stateside missionaries never get to go back home to take a break.

When wanting to help a stateside missionary, make sure that your idea is a help and not creating more work for the stateside missionary.

Most stateside missionaries feel isolated and alone, even living in a 1st world country.

This list is by no means an exhaustive list…these are just things that came quickly as we were brainstorming “what do you want the church to know about stateside missionaries“.

If the Church doors could speak

It was rainy and the weather was turning cold. As I sat in my warm vehicle, stopped at the light, my attention turned to the church across the road. My mind started to drift and all I heard was “what if the church doors could speak?”

What would they say.

“Ouch, why did you slam me so hard, what did I do to you?”

“Oh, I love it when she opens the door she never pushes too strong that it hurts my frame.”

No probably not. But what about these…

“Hey you… you… yeah you… you know I am speaking to you. You walk in here on Sunday morning all smug like you have no sin to be uncovered. I saw the way you left your wife and children in the vehicle to fend for themselves in this cold rain.”

“Hey go talk to that couple over there. Every week they are purposefully late. and leave before the last song is finished. They sit across the street wait for the doors to shut. Then they walk up, press out their outfits with their hands, she pats her face one last time to push back the tear stained blush and he takes 3 deep breaths before putting his hand on my handle. Please someone talk to them before its too late. They are hurting.”

Or what about….

“Hey ya’ll see that lady who snuck in… yeah her… the one who is looking at her phone so she won’t make eye contact with anyone. She’s been at my door all week crying. Look I even have a black streak from her makeup. Go talk to her, she really needs a friend.”

“Hey ya’ll you don’t know it but I do…there has been a group of people sleeping just outside my doors every night this week. One of them even came up to the steps and laid their head on my threshold. They were crying and wanted to know someone cared. They leave before anyone gets here in the morning. I heard them talking about your sign saying “they are welcome here” but then they said all ‘church folk’ are the same and they really don’t want them worshiping in the same building.”

If your church doors could speak what would they say to you this week.

Remember doing “relationship” ministry is hard.

Its messy.

You will… get mascara stained clothing… I PROMISE.

Jesus is Felony Friendly

This past weekend I had the privilege of being one of the speakers at a Women’s Conference. My topic was Bible 101. No it was not on facts like there are 66 books in the Bible and Paul, who was Saul; his job before writing most of the New Testament was to persecute Christians.

Actually it was on the fact that if we believe the Bible is true and I do. 2 Timothy 3:16-17

All Scripture is inspired by God and is useful to teach us what is true and to make us realize what is wrong in our lives. It corrects us when we are wrong and teaches us to do what is right. God uses it to prepare and equip his people to do every good work.

That we will believe Genesis 1:27

So God created human beings in His own image.

And if we are looking in the mirror and we don’t see His image; then the question becomes do you know what His image is supposed to look like?

Philippians 2:5-6a

You must have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had. Though he was God….

We do have a book full of what it means to look in the mirror and ask ourselves the question “do we look like the image of God”?

So what does this have to do with Jesus is Felony Friendly.

Romans 5:6 says

When we were utterly helpless, Christ came at just the right time and died for us sinners.

Then Romans 5:8 says

But God showed His great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners.

A sin is defined as a an immoral act considered to be a transgression against divine law. The synonyms are words like misdemeanor, crime, offense, wrong doing, etc.

God loved us in our sinful nature so much that He sent His one and only Son to die for us.

John 3:16-17

For this is how God loved the world: He g ave his one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life. God sent his Son into the world not to judge the world, but to save the world through him.

God woo’d us from our own jail cell. The jail cell of our sinful nature Galatians 5: 19-21

When you follow the desires of your sinful nature, the results are very clear: sexual immorality, impurity, lustful pleasures, idolatry, sorcery, hostility, quarreling, jealousy, outbursts of anger, selfish ambition, dissension, division,envy, drunkenness, wild parties, and other sins like these

The challenge becomes when you are labeled by society as a “once a sinner always a sinner” it is easier to stay or re-offend than it is to change or be transformed.

Romans 12:2 says

Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.

To be transformed means learning a new way, and how many of us if we are honest “re-offend”? We especially in the early states of learning to be transformed “re-offend” when all we have in our life is the world. We have no one there to disciple us, to teach us, to emulate?

Do you know someone that is trying to change and not “re-offend? I know that the pat Christian answer is read your Bible, pray, go to church, but my prayer today is that you will not give that answer to someone but instead do what the Bible says today in Matthew 28: 18-20

Jesus, undeterred, went right ahead and gave his charge: “God authorized and commanded me to commission you: Go out and train everyone you meet, far and near, in this way of life, marking them by baptism in the threefold name: Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. Then instruct them in the practice of all I have commanded you. I’ll be with you as you do this, day after day after day, right up to the end of the age.”

But as you train and teach remember yourself that in 1 Timothy 4:12b-13

Be an example to all believers in what you say, in the way you live, in your love, your faith, and your purity. Until I get there, focus on reading the Scriptures to the church, encouraging the believers, and teaching them.

I’m Messy

Knock, knock….

Hello?

I answer the door and the church people chime right in “You are beautiful on the inside is what God says about you”.

Being as polite as I can, I say thank you, and excuse myself. I need to finish getting ready. He said he’d be here at 4.

As I stand looking in the mirror, make-up: check
Hair: check
Low cut, tight shirt: check

Sex….The world says that there’s no better way to show love, to feel love. Laying here, trying to feel….. He says it’ll be OK, I’ll be right here.

It’s over. He’s gone. Now I have another baby growing inside. Maybe this time it will be different.

As the months go by, he is gone and now there are 3. I still feel the same; maybe the next one will be different, he says he will stay.

On the outside you adorn yourself with hair, make-up, even nice clothes….but the ugliness, the dirtiness, the worthless feelings… you feel on the inside, they are still there.

You show no emotion.

You are detached from the emotions of the world.

You take cues from others when to laugh or smile, but your face, your face when the world isn’t watching shows hurt, anger and being scared.

A scared little four-year-old who has a four-year-old of her own.

What happened little girl when you were four?

Who are you still protecting little girl?

It’s OK, you’re safe now, they can’t hurt you.

Its what they say, but you don’t believe them.

How do you undo 20 years of secrets, shame and guilt because somehow you think this was your fault.

Going through the motions of day to day life, are you even trying?

Do you even care?

The church people ask.

But truth be told I don’t know how to stay alive, keep it together if I allowed one, just one secret out. And if you really knew me, church people….you would run. Run away just like everyone else, because I’m messy.

If I just let one secret out they may guess the rest. I’ve been told for so long it was just my imagination, it really didn’t happen. No one would believe you, they would say; so if you know what’s best, keep your mouth shut.

So keep my mouth shut I have.

***If this is your story, please know there are people who truly want to help you break free and enjoy life full of emotion. You can also email me at meredithsagekendall@gmail.com

Surviving Church with PTSD and Anxiety

The last month or so I have left church with almost this panic attack, anxiety feeling.

My inner most being has said “suck it up cupcake, it’s church you are secure.”

Even as I am writing this the tears are flowing and the anxiety I feel is about a 9.5 on a 10 scale and I have been home from church for an hour.

I don’t like feeling like this~ the girl who loves serving~ who loves to teach~ is floundering trying to figure out how to get involved and subside this emotional roller coaster of anxiety and panic attacks.

As I talked with my amazing husband, we decided we would first try a different service time. The 9am service is not as packed and maybe the overflowing service has triggered something. So today we attended the 9am service. I did well, but as the service let out, and we were leaving the anxiety started to fill me again.

We head home,but first we need to stop at Kroger. My husband realizes that my arms are folded and I am walking with much more of a purpose. “I’m fine”, is my reply. All the while my inner being is saying: “as long as you don’t say much, keep busy, you won’t lose it.”

Yeah, I make it through Kroger. Now home. My husband comes over to me, wraps his loving arms around me and starts to pray, I start to cry.

I am so tired of feeling like this. This cloud. This anxiety. This very easy could become a dark depression if I let it.

So I sit down and start writing, the tears flowing as I pray “God, something’s gotta give, and I am afraid it’s going to be me.”

I start to let my mind wander.

These are the words I come up with:

The accident

The man who didn’t fit in

The bathroom

No more happy place

So the first word: Accident (totaling the motorcycle on June 28)

Adding additional Trauma to someone who already deals with PTSD, and their go to behavior is to stay busy so you don’t have to feel…is not a recipe for a beautiful wedding cake, but a recipe for disaster.

I have realized that growing up, when things were bad at home, I kept myself busy. I figured if I just locked myself in my room, the bad would happen, and I would just walk out when things were done blowing up. Again not a healthy way to cope with real life and feelings.

Second word was: Man who didn’t fit in

Right after the accident and right after the Chattanooga shootings, there was a gentleman who came to our church services. I did not recognize him. His clothing choices, did not fit the 90 degree weather we were having, and seeing we are in the suburbs, having this person being someone of the homeless population that I minister to in the Nashville area, wasn’t even on my radar. The whole service long my anxiety was heightened, again to the panic attack mode. I wasn’t even safe in the church building, was my thought.

During this time, I had started using a different set of bathrooms that were off the beaten path. There was never a waiting line before or after church. Here is where the issue was, this was the bathroom, in which right after the attack (January 2011) I found myself in when I started bleeding from my nose and it was so bad that we had to call the doctor to make sure everything was ok. So, now every time I walked into this bathroom, I immediately went back to that night, which went back to the attack.

And then my happy place.

My happy place was destroyed through words of discouragement.

So why did I write about this. First because my therapy is writing. It may not fix all my anxiety and panic attacks today but getting it out and verbalizing it allows for satan to not take up any more residence in my thoughts.

Secondly, I know I am not the only person who deals with PTSD, anxiety and panic attacks. Not everyone has such an amazing spouse who is in-tune to your feelings and can give you a safe place to think, vent and strategize. If you are that person who does not have a special someone where your feelings are safe, please do not let this anxiety, panic attacks become a deep dark depression please, please talk to someone. Don’t let it engulf you.

And thirdly, even though church is supposed to be a safe place, it can also hold a lot of triggers for people.
My question to myself is how am I going to work through this? How am I going to control it verses letting it control me?

You see having these issues don’t define you unless you give them permission to.

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