codependent

Catch 22

This is a repost from my old blog site (the180program.blogspot.com) but it has been my heart recently as I have seen once again people who are giving up becuase they think its easier or its the only way.

The truth is……

Most of the men and women we work with are not considered law abiding citizens.

Let me give you an example of a catch 22.

A lady gets out of jail and we are working diligently with her to get a job.  She says she has an old friend that can help and given some of her circumstances we say ok.

After working a few days we start asking questions because he has already helped her and we need his help again.

She stalls and avoids the questioning, finally she comes out and tells us that he is expecting payment for helping.  Sexual payment.  Now I am connecting the dots.  He used to be her pimp.

Ok so lets find a new way…

When you are out trying to do things right it takes a while to reprogram “debilitating mentalities”.  All the while you are trying to change you still have to fight daily the demons of your past that don’t want you to have a better future.

Today I wake up to a message that things have gone badly.  She thought she was going to a friends that was safe (usually safe for those we work with means you did not use with them, have sex with them or any other illegal activity with them, even though they do that, you just never did it with them). Well someone else also came over and he held her hostage, raped her and beat her.

For most, the logical choice is to call the police.

But not so much for those who are just NOW becoming law abiding citizens.

You see somewhere in their mind of demons and debilitating mentalities…. She is hearing….

“You did something to deserve this”

“No one will believe you because you’re just a prostitute”.

“You call the police, they won’t believe you, look at your rap sheet”.

So the truth is….. Trying to change takes a new village.  It takes lots of “healthy people”, walking daily and not judging.

The hardest part in walking with someone is to know when “their excuses” are just an excuse to not change, because change is hard and brings responsibility and they are not ready for the success that change will bring.

And the second thing is when walking with someone and they “slip up, relapse, go to their old behaviors”… To not judge so harshly that you say “screw this, you’re not worth my time”, and walk away.

Your relationship may change, but we don’t add to the shame by saying “I knew you’d mess up.  I knew you couldn’t do it”.

That does not help anyone get healthy.

If you are someone who is walking in relationship with someone that fits this model, and you would like more information on how to effectively minister to them please fill out the following form:

Who’s the fairest of them all?

She walked into the room, tears streaming, she had promised herself she would never end back up in this situation, but here she was….hurt…mad….angry….disgusted….

The words he spewed in his fit of rage were still ringing in her ears and now were haunting her very soul.

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She walked past the mirror hoping to hear “you’re the fairest of all”, but unlike a fairytale all she heard was his voice “you’re ugly”, “you’re fat”, “you need to get over yourself, I never loved you”.

How does one pick up the pieces from this?

How am I to go on?

May tomorrow never come.

 

We have all had relationships that ended badly. Some though have been worse than others. And usually once we can step back with a new perspective we can actually start to see that the warning signs had been there for many days, months or years, but we ourselves were in a state of self denial “it’s not that bad” or worse yet we were stuck on a self- fulfilling prophecy that said “well I guess this is all life has to offer me”.

How can this change for me?

How badly do I want to change?

Do I feel I am worthy?

First thing we need to do is realize we all get stuck on this cycle of letting life happen, it’s just how quickly we can get off and stay off is the bigger question.

We get in a rut. We are used to hearing words with a negative connotation and start to believe that is how we are to become.

For example: you are told from a very early age that you will never be as good as so and so, or worse yet you are told you will end up just like so and so….and you see that so and so has a really rough life and is living life just getting by or worse yet gets themselves into relationships that are dysfunctional (not working as they were intended) and codependent (putting everyone else’s needs above yourself even to the point of allowing abuse: verbal, emotional, physical, and or sexual) at their very core.

Because these words were spoken over you, usually by an adult or authority figure, you start to believe these words especially when they are coupled with actions or lack of actions that would otherwise prove those words false.

So you grow up believing this is all you are worth and to make matters worse you start allowing all aspects of your life and relationships to grow based upon this self defeating expectation that this is all you are worth.

How does one change especially if this is the only way you know how to “do life”?

Ask yourself this question:

What do I want my tomorrow to look like?

What new expectations do you want for yourself in light of who God says you are? Not man, not the world, but who God says you are?

God says you are WORTHY to be created by Him to do great things.

Ephesians 2:10 says: For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things He planned for us long ago.

So my question to you is if this is who God says we are and were created to do, then why do we stay in relationships that God truly is not a part of?

Why do we only see ourselves worthy of being a door mat?

Decide today to start seeing yourself with the same WORTH as God sees in you, and start using Gods standards before you allow yourself to get into another relationship or I can promise you one thing….you will end back up in a codependent, dysfunctional relationship.