empower women

Catch 22

This is a repost from my old blog site (the180program.blogspot.com) but it has been my heart recently as I have seen once again people who are giving up becuase they think its easier or its the only way.

The truth is……

Most of the men and women we work with are not considered law abiding citizens.

Let me give you an example of a catch 22.

A lady gets out of jail and we are working diligently with her to get a job.  She says she has an old friend that can help and given some of her circumstances we say ok.

After working a few days we start asking questions because he has already helped her and we need his help again.

She stalls and avoids the questioning, finally she comes out and tells us that he is expecting payment for helping.  Sexual payment.  Now I am connecting the dots.  He used to be her pimp.

Ok so lets find a new way…

When you are out trying to do things right it takes a while to reprogram “debilitating mentalities”.  All the while you are trying to change you still have to fight daily the demons of your past that don’t want you to have a better future.

Today I wake up to a message that things have gone badly.  She thought she was going to a friends that was safe (usually safe for those we work with means you did not use with them, have sex with them or any other illegal activity with them, even though they do that, you just never did it with them). Well someone else also came over and he held her hostage, raped her and beat her.

For most, the logical choice is to call the police.

But not so much for those who are just NOW becoming law abiding citizens.

You see somewhere in their mind of demons and debilitating mentalities…. She is hearing….

“You did something to deserve this”

“No one will believe you because you’re just a prostitute”.

“You call the police, they won’t believe you, look at your rap sheet”.

So the truth is….. Trying to change takes a new village.  It takes lots of “healthy people”, walking daily and not judging.

The hardest part in walking with someone is to know when “their excuses” are just an excuse to not change, because change is hard and brings responsibility and they are not ready for the success that change will bring.

And the second thing is when walking with someone and they “slip up, relapse, go to their old behaviors”… To not judge so harshly that you say “screw this, you’re not worth my time”, and walk away.

Your relationship may change, but we don’t add to the shame by saying “I knew you’d mess up.  I knew you couldn’t do it”.

That does not help anyone get healthy.

If you are someone who is walking in relationship with someone that fits this model, and you would like more information on how to effectively minister to them please fill out the following form:

How do you see yourself today?

I have been teaching about life transformation for the past 14 years.  I have taught in Jails, Prisons, Halfway houses, Crisis Pregnancy Centers, Low income neighborhoods, and homeless shelters. Every time I teach, I learn something new about myself, which in itself is funny, because I wrote the curriculum I teach.

A question in week 2 of the foundational piece, called New Beginnings, is “In all honesty, how do you see yourself today”.

As a teacher you can usually ask the question and never think about it yourself. That is until God asks you to answer that question.

Last year, after reading the book One Word, my word was “worthy”.

As we are ending 2016 and starting 2017 I want to share my experience into finding myself “worthy” and how God would not let me rest until I worked through the demons of my past.

In every week of the foundational piece of the 180 Curriculum, we have goal sheets.  These goal sheets look like this

Basically, you have a goal that you want to reach.  Then you break it down into bite size pieces, so that you can first celebrate the small accomplishments. Second stay on track. Third, if that goal is going to take longer, you move it to the following week and make more bite sized goals from it.

The reason I came up with this format was because my father started working with computers, when computers only operated when you used a flow chart to get to the end result.  To me, it was like the ‘Aha’ moment, “I can reach my goals, if I just break them down.”

After teaching this for all these years, I realized that I sabotaged my goals and here is why. It was a learned behavior.  Let me explain.

Growing up I wanted to tryout for basketball.  I was so excited. I practiced and the day was finally here. I was ready to stay after school when the call came in, it was from my step-father.  “You had better not stay after,” I was told, “you will not like the consequences.”

A couple of years later, I was so excited.  I was going to try out to be a majorette in the high school marching band. I had my routine all prepared and I was so excited to stay after and try out when… the phone call came in. “You had better not stay after,” I was told, “you will not like the consequences.”

If you take these two major events in my life and couple it with the dysfunction that was going on in the home, I was being told that I would never amount to anything.  I was also told that no one would ever want to hear what I had to say, this was priming me for sabotaging my goals and success.

Even though I left that home and started my own family, those words were a part of my psyche.

Even into my marriage, there was a certain man who would jokingly talk about how I could have done better than my husband. Adding even more to the insecurity of my worthiness.  Unfortunately this person was someone that I saw a lot, and was respected in his position of authority in the Church.

Then came another man  of authority who through his lack of words to me and more by his actions, stated that I should not start a non-profit, that it wouldn’t succeed, and that my husband needed to go back to work and support his family.

It was not until 2016, as I started this journey on my one word “worthy” that I realized how unworthy I really felt, especially when it came to men in authority, especially those in Church authority and that were respected by many, but when it came to how I was treated by them, they added to my feeling of being unworthy.

I am so excited to say that as I have worked through my demons, I have called meetings with men in authority this past quarter and have walked out of those meetings feeling like I do matter and I do have a voice.

God has given me an ability to be an advocate.  To be a woman of God, who will push forth His agenda on teaching transformational living and leadership.

Now, we enter 2017… and my new word is “Overcomer”, and I can’t wait to see what God does with that.

 

 

 

Jesus wants to know the stripper

This is a re-post from a blog I did in 2012

Today I woke up with a heart ache.

I could not get out of my mind the women and moms who are working in our adult entertainment district. God has laid them on my heart to pray for their safety.  I cannot say that he has had me pray that they will get out of the industry but to pray they stay safe.  I know you are right about now saying “get me this women’s phone number. She has gone off the deep end”, but before you stone me hear me out.

As an organization we have worked with many women who have worked in the Adult entertainment industry. To sit down and listen to their stories would make you cry… Why, why did you only see this as your only option?

About 2 years ago I was running a Job Readiness Program and the State sent clients that were on Families First to my class.  I had a young women that was not only about to lose all her benefits for her and her children (food stamps and healthcare) but someone was threatening to call DCS because she was not providing the basics for her children.

She tried and tried to get a job but at that time jobs were a little harder to come by.  One day after class she approached me and said, “I hear what you are saying, but right now I need to make some money.”

For the next 20 minutes I sat down and just listened to the heart of a mom who wanted more than anything to stand on her own two feet.  She loved her kids and would do anything not to have them taken away.  She had walked away from an abusive boyfriend and was trying NOT to rely on a “guy” for anything.  She wanted to make it on her own.

I started asking questions about what she used to do before she moved here.  She told me she was a stripper.  I think she was waiting for me to say “Oh No, you can NEVER do that again”; but instead I just listened. I did not want to make her feel any lower than she already did.

I heard from her the next day when she did not show up for class, she had a job and she was providing for her and her children.  Was the job the most ideal?  NO, but she was not relying on an abusive boyfriend to make sure she was taken care of.

Why do I tell you this story?  Well as I was driving up 65 North into Franklin today my mind started wandering to 15 years ago this month when my not so perfect marriage started going awry.  My husband was unhappy and had started having an emotional affair with my best friend.  I was just beside myself when that day came and he said to me “I just don’t love you anymore”.  We started separating things and he started paying child support.  I got the house but with me not working what was I to do?

I had been a stay at home mom and had no marketable job skills.  My self-esteem took a plunge which in turn started a very quick downward spiral.  How could this be happening, we went to church every time the doors were open, we participated in every event, even organized them.; kids choir and Bible bowl were my Sunday afternoons.  Now I am sitting in the bathroom asking “how am I going to make ends meet”.

I needed money fast and knew that going through the paper, to interviews and trying to put on a show that everything was ok was NOT going to work.  So what is a girl to do?  Oh I know, I had just lost a lot of weight and looked pretty good, so let me find out where the local Strip Clubs are and I will learn to swing around a pole.

You see, emergency mode is what I was in.  I needed to provide for my 3 children and fast easy money was how I was going to make it.

Now back to why my “heart aches” for the women that are in this industry? Because that could have very easily been me; Someone’s daughter, someone’s mother, someone’s Aunt, someone’s sister.  Every one of those ladies has a different story as to why…. But in our busyness of the day do we really want to sit down and get to know “the local stripper”?

Jesus does…

 

My heart still aches for the women who see this as their only option.  If you know of young woman in this profession, please get them my information.  I would love to talk with them and equip them and empower them. star fish