Today as I was texting a friend I found myself with this overwhelming need to journal.  As I started to journal, my thoughts went to “I wish I could have a do-over with my kids”.  So I started writing a letter to myself of what I wish I knew then, and how it would affect my children.

Dear Meredith

I know that you are poor and don’t have much.  I know that every month you stand in line for a food box at that church… but don’t let that define you.  I know that you are stressed about the finances and where the money will come to make the bills… but Meredith you have been given a gift, she is your firstborn and she will grow up to be just like you.  So if you don’t like some of your attributes you need to change them today.

I want to tell you,  you will make mistakes but the one mistake that will define everything is this; Be present and remember that you only live today, once.  Your firstborn is tiny today but one day she will grow up to be a mom.  Today Meredith your tone, your actions, your lack of actions will define how she sees the world.  How you carry yourself.  What you react to.  What you make time for.  How you let people treat you and how you treat people.  All these play into raising your little girl.

Don’t make her your excuse for your anger because you are tired.  Don’t make her your excuse because you are running late.  Own up to who you are and who you aren’t.  Don’t make your child fit your mold.  Slow down and be the best thing in your child’s life.  Meredith your child and soon to be children will remember the walks in the park, the picnics in the grass… they will also remember when you did not show up because you were too busy working or taking care of someone else’s life.  Meredith take every day from now until they ask you to stop… and be present in their life.  Today to be present looks different than what it’ll look like in 20, 30 or so years… but if you are not there today they will not want you present tomorrow.

Also many will call your oldest “Social baby”…. She will get this name because she can be crying, but then as soon as she is in public she is the happiest baby in the world.  Meredith, you will think it’s cute.  But as I am writing you this letter I need for you to realize that it is a coping skill she is learning from you.  And it’s not a healthy coping skill.

Take from this letter what you will, but remember you only get one chance at today.  You will mess some of them up, but repent, ask for forgiveness and make tomorrow a better day.