Why I Cook on High

With the smoke alarm blaring the girls would all chime in; “Moms cooking again.”

This was the running joke in our home for years.

With my children now in their thirties and multiple grandchildren around, unfortunately they too know that when the smoke alarm goes off at Nana’s house it’s not a big deal, it just means she’s cooking.

Recently I was teaching the 180 Program and had an epiphany as to why I always have cooked on high.

In my teen years, life to me seemed to always be in turmoil. It felt like I was constantly walking on eggshells. You see in any given twenty-four-hour period; I never knew what would happen when it came to my stepdad’s mood and therefore the atmosphere of the home.

For example, if I was given permission to do something on a Friday night, I would do everything in my power to stay out of the presence of my stepdad all week. If our paths did cross, I would quickly excuse myself from the situation and if that wasn’t possible, I would say the least number of words so it couldn’t be used against me or trigger a tornado to spawn.

When the day of the event would come, I would be as quiet as a church mouse and primarily spend the day in my room.

Watching from my bedroom window, I would wait, not so patiently I might add, for the person to arrive in my driveway.

As soon as I spotted the vehicle, I would as quickly and quietly as possible dart down the hallway. If my stepdad happened to be up and depending upon where he was positioned, I would purposefully take the opposite route to get down the flight of stairs and out the door.

To be truthful how I never went tumbling down the flight of stairs to the landing is truly a testament of God’s mercy. You see this flight of stairs were merely 2×8 piece of lumber and open on both ends. There was no banister let alone a handle. One misstep to the left and I would have landed on the concrete basement floor after another flight of stairs broke my fall. On the other side, one wrong step to the right and I would have landed directly on the basement floor from about 7 feet up.

I was almost free; I hadn’t heard my name yet. A turn of the door handle and I was gone.

“Not so fast. Where do you think you are going?”

So, what does this have to do with cooking on high and my latest epiphany.

I learned very quickly that for me to be allowed to do anything and finish it, I had to do it quickly so as not to be stopped.

Cooking on high was just a manifestation of my learned behavior that you do it as fast as you can, so you get to do it. The challenge for me is that it’s not just about cooking. That’s just the one that gets the most attention because it has an alarm attached to it.

When my husband has an idea to do something, he takes what I see as too much time preparing, when in fact he could just do it. I feel he is losing out and maybe even missing out. Me not so much. I jump in and let the chips fall where they may. For most of my adult life I have used a Type A personality, Go-Getter, 1^st born as my excuse, when in fact, it’s a learned behavior that needs to be changed. What I learned from my childhood was the least number of steps and preparation at least allowed me a chance to accomplish what I was scheduled to do.

Unfortunately, this type of thinking made me find systems to be a four-letter bad word. They bog me down and almost paralyze me in thinking I won’t be able to get to the next item, especially if I must follow a procedure. To me the more steps were more chances that someone could tell me; “You don’t get to do that”.

Understand that this stepfather is in my past, he hasn’t been a part of my life for more than three decades. Even though I know that fact, for some reason, I have never seen it as a fear that I won’t be able to do something because he said so. It is only because of my recent epiphany that I am now totally realizing my need to work through this stronghold in my life that I never knew I had because for years it was categorized as: Type A, First Born. Go-Getter. Driven. I didn’t realize cooking on high and setting off the smoke detector multiple times a week was a bigger problem than just wanting to get dinner on the table faster.

So, what’s next.

As I finish out 2023 and enter 2024 this newfound flaw in my life, business and personal, will be something I work on diligently to get new patterns established. I will also take what I am learning and apply it to goal setting, which is another blog for another day.

If any of this struck a chord or you feel you need help getting off the ferris wheel called “it’s just the way it is”, lets talk.

Don’t become a Slave to the Lender

The rich rule over the poor, and the borrower is slave to the lender. Proverbs 22:7 (NIV)

I wish I could tell you that I have always been good at saving money, but that is a discipline that was never taught to me as a child as we didn’t have money to spare.

Growing up I watched my mom pinch every penny to make sure her three children were fed and I am pretty sure that a lesson on money management was not on her parenting radar. So unfortunately when I had money, I spent money.

Fast forward a few decades, I now teach budgeting classes. I use the verse from Proverbs

The rich rule over the poor, and the borrower is slave to the lender. Proverbs 22:7 (NIV)

to teach men and women about the dangers of credit cards, we tote the note lots and cash advance places.

But now there is a new danger, especially to newly opened businesses, that I hadn’t given much thought to, until recently.

Being a newly registered business, when the junk mail started arriving, I just assumed I had gotten on someone’s list. I rarely open this type of mail but for some reason this letter caught my attention.

“DO NOT DISCARD”

Inside was a “pay to the order of” and in very fine letters, it read “this is not a check, it is a loan and by cashing it you are agreeing to our terms.” This made me go back and open the rest of the mail.

In a week’s time I had “checks” I could have cashed totaling over $100 thousand dollars.

What if I hadn’t known any better? What if I truly thought it was a gift? Stranger things have happened right?

The challenge would have been when all those loans had come due. They will get their money some way and truth be told, how many of us actually read all the terms and conditions?

When you sign your name and either cash or deposit that check, your payment plan starts and you become a slave to that lender.

And if all those checks weren’t bad enough, the pre-approved credit cards started piling up as well.

Here is my two cents: Don’t fall for the schemes of those who send you unsolicited mail. If you are in need of a line of credit or a credit card, talk with a financial advisor.

If you have already fallen prey, make a plan to get out from underneath that obligation as soon as possible. Whether that be by paying it off or coming up with a plan to pay it off quicker.

Don’t do it alone.

Find a coach to help keep you accountable and to get your cash flowing a different way.

There is also another verse in the Bible that I love, especially for new businesses.

Do not despise these small beginnings, for the Lord rejoices to see the work begin,
to see the plumb line in Zerubbabel’s hand.” Zechariah 4:10 (NLT)

And lastly the verse in Luke is great for business owners.

“If you are faithful in little things, you will be faithful in large ones.
But if you are dishonest in little things, you won’t be honest with greater responsibilities.
Luke 16:10 (NLT)

Learning to Waltz, Learning to be Led

A few years ago, Rob and I were invited to take a dance class and part of the package was a private lesson.

On that particular Monday we showed up ready to learn the Waltz. Philip, our instructor, not only showed us the proper posture but he went on to explain “the why” behind it. The lesson didn’t go as planned.

The next day as I was reading, praying and asking God for guidance, I had an AHA moment.

The Waltz:

The man leads.

He applies pressure to the shoulder area of the back and off you go….

BUT….

The women doesn’t just follow, because she is always going backwards. She has to trust the male to lead.

The male is dancing them gracefully in and around the dance floor and the women’s part? TRUST his direction.

Right? Well that’s not all.

The other part is, ONENESS.

As the man is leading, in order to turn, you will switch feet. The woman needs to be one with the male or there will be clumsiness, and fumbling.

They can get back in sync but they may have to stop and start over.

As a person who has the personality of take charge, let me do it, and I’ll figure it out as I go, the Waltz was not easy for me. I was always wanting to take over. But that was not the way the Waltz was intended.

I feel like my relationship with God is like doing the Waltz… He is leading. I have to trust. I have to remember that He can see the end game, I can not.

But if I am not spending time with God, how will I know the trust part. How will I be in sync with what He is doing, twirling me around the dance floor called life.

I won’t get graceful on the dance floor if I don’t practice, and the same goes for my “Waltz” with The Lord.

If I don’t take time to learn, read, grow, pray and practice, I will always be fumbling, trying to take the lead, thinking I know best and never becoming the person God created me to be.

How’s your “Waltz” coming?

Best Version of You is NOT found in someone else

I stumbled across a headline recently that said something to the effect that to become the best version of ourselves (women) we need to find the right man to love us.

That headline has bothered me ever since it crossed my Facebook feed.

Why?

My husband and I have had our troubles over the past 35 years, but it hasn’t been his loving me that made me the best version of myself.

For the past 20 years I have taught women that Y.O.U is the acronym for Your Own Uniqueness. You have been created with a fingerprint from God that only YOU have.

You were created with a purpose (Ephesians 2:10).

You were knit together ON PURPOSE (Psalms 139).

God created you with gifting’s (1 Corinthians 12).

If you think a man has the power to make you the best version of yourself, you are sadly mistaken.

Yes God created us to be in relationship, In Genesis 2:18 The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.”

But in Genesis 1:27 it says: So God created mankind in His own image, in the image of God He created them; male and female He created them.

The Hebrew word in Genesis 2:18 for Helper is Ayzer, an aid. To give assistance to, but it’s more than that. It’s something you can’t live without. It’s the same word David uses in the Psalms 121 when he says, “Where will my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth.”

So yes…we are to be a team, but when you find your “best version” in a man because of the way he loves you, then when he has a bad day and doesn’t love you the way you think he should what will happen then?

I’ll tell you based upon previous experience and years of working with women, You will go back to your old ways. You will go back to what you know.

Drugs

Alcohol

Toxic Relationships

Food

Workaholic

Just to name a few.

So back to YOU. You take YOU wherever YOU go. You take your actions, your reactions. You take years of baggage. You take years of hurt, shame and guilt. You take years of resentment. So when your prince charming doesn’t love you today like you thought he would, your world will come crashing down. And according to research the fall and fallout will be worse than the last time.

Why not take time today to figure out how to love yourself first. Even as I typed those words the skinny planked white oak wood floors, yellow white washed walls and white trim came to mind. That was the room I was in when my sister looked at me and said “do you even love yourself?”

“Of course I do!” Was my response. But that sent me on a journey to find out do I really love myself or do I mask my non-love for myself with work, kids, relationships even if they are toxic?

Today I can without a shadow of a doubt tell you that my husband makes me a better person everyday. It is not because he loves me the right way per the world. He takes me to the cross of Jesus so that I can find my true worth in the only love that matters. My relationship with Jesus. Without His love. Without His acceptance. Without knowing that I belong to Him. I would still be in my self-defeating cycles of life. Wandering aimlessly from relationship to relationship trying to find the best version of myself.

Don’t Wait for Tomorrow… it may never come

As he pulled out of the driveway part of her died. She was only a kid and didn’t understand why they couldn’t get along. Even though she was grateful he took her calls during the day, she knew there would be hell to pay if she was ever caught. Day’s turned to years before she would see him again. But finally the time had come. She was able to date. Her first date took her to see him. She was 16. Knowing it was too risky their meetings were few are far between. Again days turned into years. The time had finally come and she was free. She made the call and they were going to meet again.

This past weekend I received a 6am wake-up call that I never wish upon anyone. “I have rushed your dad to the hospital. He is having chest pains.”

Just the day before we were sitting on the dock, laughing at the events of the past week. A boat ride across the causeway, a yacht, a huge wave. A wall of water on both sides of the boat that eventually ended up in the boat. Drenched they started to laugh as they hadn’t had to pay the price of admission to Disney’s water park.

Now laying in a hospital bed waiting in the hallway because the ER is so full there are no more rooms. Almost 32 hours later, he is rolled into the surgical room. They are going to explore and be ready to put in a stent if need be. Doctors aren’t 100% there is a need, but with the instance of the patient, they go ahead. 2 hours later they come to the waiting room to get us. Not one but 3 stents later.

How bad? He was just having a little chest pain. 2 were 90% blocked and 1 was 95% blocked.

I have to excuse myself. I lose it. How can this be? Then I start to get mad. “God, I just moved here. Don’t take him home yet. I am just now getting back all those years I lost.”

I have had every wave of emotion in the past 48 hours.

The scripture says: We are not guaranteed tomorrow.

Now listen, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.” Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes.
James 4:13-14 NIV

Don’t wait another day to make amends.

Don’t wait another day to call a long lost friend.

Don’t wait another day to reunite with your family if it is possible.

Don’t get to tomorrow and say “I should have…..”

Do make today count.

My prayer life was much more like a business meeting

“No you can’t go!”

“But they are here to pick me up and you said I could go.”

“So! I changed my mind. You can’t go.”

I knew better than to argue. I would go back to my room and spend my evening alone.

This was a fear I grew up with while living in the same home with my step-father.

I grew up conditioned not to just be on my best behavior, but to manipulate what I needed, so that when I needed something, my guarantee of not just getting a yes but actually being able to go to the “event”, was probable. Now let me explain, because that sounds really bad, but basically if I wanted to do something with friends on a Friday or Saturday night, I knew that I needed to not only be on my best behavior but also to stay “hidden” as much as possible. I also knew that if I had to have a conversation or be in the same room with “him”, then I needed to be so sweet that there was no way he could hold anything against me.

Here is the problem with that, I took this conditioning not only into my marriage, (which will be a blog/podcast for another time) but I also took it into my relationship with God. I didn’t realize how bad I was conditioned until the other day, (and yes I mean the other day). I was thinking through a prayer I had and as I was going through a mental checklist that said, “if I do this, then God will give me this response. If I do that, then He’ll really be able to give me this part of the prayer.”

I sat there thinking, going through my mental checklist to make sure I had done and “manipulated” everything in my favor so that there would be no way He could say no. As I sat there I heard God say, “you do know I don’t work that way, right?

As I have been pondering and thinking through this conversation with God, I realized how much I have made my prayers about what can I get. How can I get it? And what do I need to get it? Humiliated at the fact that I had reduced God to this earthly idea of a father figure, I found myself praying and asking God to forgive me.

Now understand prayer, for me is a vital part of my daily worship. I journal. I pray. I even pray short little breath prayers throughout the day, but what I hadn’t realized until the other day, is that my prayer life has been very one sided and how can I manipulate my actions to get God through prayer to benefit me.

The other day as I was reading there were 3 examples given for something else but I think it fits perfectly how I have been feeling and man did the lightbulb go on for me. Is your prayer life like going into a business meeting with someone you cannot stand? You are just there because you have to be and to get what you want out of the deal? OUCH! The second idea was having lunch with a good friend. You share a little but you are still guarded with what and how much you share. You know you don’t want it out there on the gossip chain encased as a prayer request.

And the third was you are in love. You cannot wait to share your day, your life, your everything!

So which one of these describes your prayer life? Are you in a business meeting? Are you having lunch with a good friend? Or are you talking to the person you are in love with and cannot wait to spend time with?

I am a work in progress. I will not be prefect I go home, but while I am here on this earth, I want to make the most of my worship to God, through my prayer time. I want to adore Him, not because of what He can do for me but because of who He is.

*** you can also hear this on my podcast

Unforgiveness

In our 8-week study New Beginnings, we talk about forgiveness right off the bat. Not only do we talk about forgiving others but we talk about forgiving our self.

When you forgive others, it doesn’t always equate to being friends again. By forgiving others it allows you to move on with your life. By truly forgiving, you no longer harbor feelings of resentment or wishing ill will.

I started working on the blog/podcast the other day and am finishing it today. But in the meantime, I had a 6-hour round trip in the car with my husband. During one of our many conversations, I told him that I was still very upset with a situation that happened in July and that I just wished I knew why things had gone awry. I also told my husband that every time this person’s name gets brought up I get sick to my stomach.

Fast forward throughout the day, this person’s name was mentioned a few times in conversations by other people (unbeknownst to them that I was having an issue) and thankfully I was able to contain my emotions.

As I was dozing off to sleep last night, my husband said, as profoundly as he usually does, “Do you really need (that person) to ask for forgiveness or do you need to extend it so that it does not affect you anymore?”

So as I was falling asleep I found myself praying for this person and their family. I realized that by not extending forgiveness in my own heart that I was allowing satan to steal joy. I was allowing satan to possibly even get a foothold in the kingdom because I was “upset and wanted this person to personally ask me to forgive them.”

What does it matter? In my humanness, I was making it a bigger deal than it was. In God’s economy I was allowing satan to make change and even prosper.

Forgiveness according to the dictionary means to cease to feel resentment against; to pardon an offense or an offender.

Do you see what it says, to cease to feel resentment against! This is for you and I. This is for our well-being. By not ceasing to feel resentment, I was saying, that I could not forgive.

What if the person you need to forgive is yourself? Do you find it hard to cease to feel resentment against yourself?

Do you know what happens not only when you don’t forgive others, but you don’t forgive yourself? Satan allows feelings to creep into our lives that reminds us how hurt we were. What happens when you are hurt? What feeling comes in next? Anger! Maybe just a little annoyance. Maybe we become just a little more curt in our tone than we need to be. Then before we know it we have hit full blown anger where we are throwing things, slamming doors, cursing, using words to hurt people and unfortunately, those in our paths are innocent people just because we decided we could not cease to feel resentment toward someone or our self.

Also many may not think of this, but if you were hurt as a child, you may have carried these feelings with you into your adolescent years and now you may be directing deep-rooted anger at totally innocent people. You might not realize the true seed from which this anger has grown if from unforgiveness. These emotional outbursts or angry thoughts and actions are due to feelings that you have not addressed.

It is time to forgive, not only for yourself but for your children. For your well-being. For your marriage. For your relationships.

So what is a practical prayer you can use.

Heavenly Father, I forgive ________(someone or yourself) I forgive ___________ for:(now write down every past event you need to be forgiven for or forgive someone of) _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I ask that You forgive me. Father I ask that I would lose sight of the offense, and if I am ever reminded of the offense, that I will dismiss that memory as an old, resolved conflict I no longer want to revisit. Father I ask that I would simply forget the incident and move on with rebuilding healthy relationships as you lead me to do so. Father, please show me how to love myself the way you do. Father, show me how to turn my offenses into concern for others well-being. Father, I am moved to forgive myself because I desire to be obedient to you and desire for you to be glorified. Father, I ask that you would forgive me for not forgiving myself before now and remove from my heart any consequences or disease from not forgiving myself in the past. Father I confess that I will need your help to live out this forgiveness and I ask you to give me the strength to live true to the forgiveness. Father, please bless my life in every way and heal me of any emotional or physical wounds that I have caused from suffering so long.

As I end I want to share 2 scriptures with you.

Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you. Ephesians 4:23 (NLT)

Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others Colossians 3:12-13 (NLT)

May you find joy in today as you forgive your yesterday.

Truth be told, all He asked was to Follow Him

For the past 2 weeks I have been fighting with God about a prescription I received almost a year ago. It read, “must have Florida Beach time often over the next year perhaps permanently.” This prescription was given in response to my doctor telling me I needed to see a pulmonary specialist. I told him it would have to wait 3 weeks seeing we were heading to Florida for family time and a church planting conference. In which he said the Florida air would do my lungs good.

More Florida Beach time

With prescription in hand, we headed to Florida.

That prescription was a catalyst that God used to get our hearts to be thinking of Florida. I was under the assumption that once I moved to Florida then my asthma type symptoms would magically disappear. Instead for me and my body, (if you have followed any of my story), I don’t fit the mold. So why would I expect this to be any different?

I have been to a walk-in clinic now 3 times since our move to Florida. I am on the exact same schedule I have been on since 2017. Every 45-60 days.

I have made every excuse.

I cheated on my diet.

I was in the cold weather.

I was traveling.

For the past 18 months or so I have told doctors and myself. “God is going to heal me. I just need to work out a few more things with my past. I just need to quit cheating on my dietary restrictions.”

In November, I was told that if I had one more flare up then I would need to see a specialist. Well today I once again found myself in the walk-in clinic. The Doctor was not so pleasant. She let me know without a shadow of a doubt I needed to find a primary care doctor sooner than later and get this under control.

So why this blog?

I had to come to grips that even though the prescription is part of our church planting story and why Cape Coral Florida, God knew I would need something that was of benefit to get my mind around moving 823 miles from my grandchildren and children.

Not being on steroids every 45-60 days and living in an area that is by the ocean and beautiful, was a great incentive and plus at that time we could do our job from anywhere. We were traveling for work 30-40 weeks out of the year anyway and it really didn’t matter where we started from.

By the end of February though, we were being called to plant a church, God even gave us handwriting on the wall, an 18-wheeler appearing out of nowhere as I am driving to the doctor because I am once again having an asthma flare up.

Fast forward to the past couple of months. Nothing I thought would happen when we got here has come through. Everything I had put in motion to make the transition to Florida not feel so lonely, has fallen through. And to top it off, I have been in the walk-in clinic 3 times since arriving.

I have silently been dealing with rejection and feeling like I was short changed. I have asked God to heal me. I have praised God for healing me. I have worked through more of my past. I have cried. I have laughed. I have screamed. And recently I have questioned. Why? Why are you not healing me? I have faith. I believe. Why are you not healing me?

Then God gives me a flock of Ibis’s in the Wal-Mart parking lot. To remind me He did heal me of my PTSD and there is no way I would have been able to move to a new area and plant a church with the anxiety and PTSD I had lived with for many years.

But God why are you not healing me of my asthma symptoms? Why did you bring me down here under false pretenses?

Then I read a book called Prodigal God by Tim Keller.

In the book was a story that went something like this.

Jesus says to pick up a stone and follow me. You look around and because Jesus didn’t give you any specifications you pick up a small pebble and put it in your pocket. A few miles down the road Jesus says to take your stone and place it in front of you. He turns your “stone” into food. You get very little because your stone is a pebble, others who were carrying bigger stones had much to eat because the food was commensurate to the size of the “stone.” Jesus now asks you to pick up another stone and follow Him. This time because you saw what He did for lunch you pick up the biggest stone you can find. You struggle and struggle. Finally, you get to a lake and Jesus says, “throw your stone in the lake.” There is no food or any reward for carrying the big rock. Jesus sees your frustration and He simple says, “All I asked you to do was follow me.”

As I was reading this sobbing, all God asked was, for me to follow Him. He also reminded me that the prescription came from man not God. God used it, but today I really know the meaning of the Proverbs.

In their hearts humans plan their course,
but the Lord establishes their steps.
Proverbs 16:9 (NIV)

You can make many plans,
but the Lord’s purpose will prevail.
Proverbs 19:21 (NLT)

Church Planters Cape Coral FL

I know beyond a shadow of a doubt if we had not moved we would have been disobedient. But I am still human and as I was having a pity-party wondering what I had done wrong and why God had not healed me yet of my asthma symptoms, He reminded me that sometimes healing comes in the form of modern medicine I need to be okay with that and praise God for it. And that the prescription for more Florida beach time was just a “sign” God used to get me ready for the next chapter our book He is writing with our lives.

To follow our church plant click the link Restoration Christian Church

Satan will no longer take me hostage

I suffer from Asthma which is induced by food allergies. Over the past few years, I went from “yes you have food allergies, but you should be able to add things back into your diet; to I am sorry, now you can’t have… and the list gets added to.

To date I have to stay away from:

Gluten
Dairy
Eggs
Corn
Soy
Safflower/ Sunflower
Refined sugars
Peanuts

I have had doctors tell me:

Your body needs to rest

You need to heal

You are too stressed out

You have adrenal fatigue.

You need to take care of you.

So for the past few months, I have tried to lay low and to care for myself, especially when I was told, “you need to get rid of the stress or the stress will get rid of you.”

I was also told during this time that my food allergies may be the result of stress.

In reality though, I did not understand what any of that meant. No one was banging down my door to tell me what to do in a way that I understood it, so I muddled through the best I could.

It became apparent that I needed to figure out something because my asthma attacks were getting more and more frequent. So we made arrangements to change the way we did ministry; allowing me to REST.

But problems can become apparent when you allow your body to REST. You may find out there are more layers of UNREST below and it rises to the surface.

This happened on October 7^th. I was teaching in my hometown in Michigan. I did not think anything of it, but I guess my body did. By the time the training was over, my neck was hurting. It got so bad that I couldn’t sleep well, I had to hold my head to turn it while I was laying down and I had to hold the back of my neck just to swallow without pain.

By Wednesday I was in so much pain that I finally went to the Urgent Care Clinic. I needed relief. I still had one more training before I would be able to get home. The Doctor said there was nothing wrong with me medically, but my neck was in knots, so she gave me a steroid shot, a prescription for a major steroid, a muscle relaxer and sent me on my way.

I was grateful for modern medicine but I also knew that I needed my chiropractor back home.

The rest of the trip went OK thanks to the steroids, but as soon as I was done with them and they were out of my system, it was back to the same level of pain.

I got in to see my chiropractor that week, he adjusted my neck and it started to feel a little better.

On October 24^th, it was flared up and I was living on the muscle relaxers and pain relievers, so back to the chiropractor I went. As the doctor started checking me, he adjusted my back and did a few things through reflexology, but he never adjusted my neck. He sat me up, looked at me and said “Meredith, there is nothing wrong with your neck. It is all stress related. It is what I call a psychosomatic response. It’s all in your head.”

What? No! There has to be a medical reason. Food allergy. Something. Not a psychosomatic response. I was working so hard for the past few months to reduce my stress, because this is the same doctor who told me that if I did not reduce my stress, it would be reduced for me when my body shut down.

As I was on my way home, I texted my mom, “The verdict is in… its stress”. When I was in Michigan earlier that month she told me it sounded like stress, and I answered, I have no stress.

The rest of the evening Rob and I started talking through things. My childhood. Our marriage.

As we were talking, I wouldn’t have to say yes or no that did or did not bother me, my body did it for me. These talks turned into me having an ugly cry face, but I went to bed that night for the first time in 17 days and slept pain free.

You see I am really good at helping others figure out their life. Over the past 15 years, I have been working on myself, but only in a form of teaching and using my story to free others. In September I was given a self-study that was geared toward healing my body.

On November 16^th, a blog came out about what self care really means. Click here to read it

In this blog there were a couple of things that stood out. The main thing was:

“how much (anxiety) comes from the way you were being trained to think before you even knew what was happening.”

In our program we teach on this very thing, but we don’t put this way. For whatever reason, this statement hit me like a lead balloon. I got out my journal and started thinking through her statement with The 180 Programs diagrams and my past. Listening to the lies of satan through the voice of my step dad. I believed what he said about me then and unfortunately I was allowing his words to shape my current thinking.

As I read and re-read the blog, I realized I was allowing the antics of satan to tell me that I was not good enough and that I was not being healed because I did not have enough faith. I was also allowing my “lens of life” to be one that unfortunately still had the blurred lines of lies that I was trained to believe.

The day after I read this, I was able to journal my thoughts and feelings, God brought a woman into my life and she led me in a one-on-one prayer of self-reflection. During this prayer time I was directed to events that were troublesome. I was then directed to just talk it out. When I was finished talking, she would ask Jesus to tell me where He was in all of this. What were the lies. Where was the truth? As I sat in the room with a total stranger, I wept until I could cry no more, but I felt free.

For quite a while I have been praying for healing. I was asking for healing from my food allergies… but what I realized was God healed me from something greater.

When I woke up this morning, I realized I was happy. I have been asking God to make me happy in my journal for a long time. I had not realized how many lies I was still allowing to engulf my daily life. I was still allowing satan to take me hostage in my own thought life. It was subtle, but I realized how I framed my questions, how I framed statements, how I allowed the voices from my past to become the lens I walked my daily life through, and they were keeping me in bondage of fear.

Today I choose to walk with a renewed mind. I will work to see myself through lenses of a loving Jesus. He may choose to allow something bad to happen again, in fact I’m sure I will face difficulties, but I will not let those events be the lens that I filter my tomorrow through.

I have a choice and so do you.

Who’s the fairest of them all?

She walked into the room, tears streaming, she had promised herself she would never end back up in this situation, but here she was….hurt…mad….angry….disgusted….

The words he spewed in his fit of rage were still ringing in her ears and now were haunting her very soul.

She walked past the mirror hoping to hear “you’re the fairest of all”, but unlike a fairytale all she heard was his voice “you’re ugly”, “you’re fat”, “you need to get over yourself, I never loved you”.

How does one pick up the pieces from this?

How am I to go on?

May tomorrow never come.

We have all had relationships that ended badly. Some though have been worse than others. And usually once we can step back with a new perspective we can actually start to see that the warning signs had been there for many days, months or years, but we ourselves were in a state of self denial “it’s not that bad” or worse yet we were stuck on a self- fulfilling prophecy that said “well I guess this is all life has to offer me”.

How can this change for me?

How badly do I want to change?

Do I feel I am worthy?

First thing we need to do is realize we all get stuck on this cycle of letting life happen, it’s just how quickly we can get off and stay off is the bigger question.

We get in a rut. We are used to hearing words with a negative connotation and start to believe that is how we are to become.

For example: you are told from a very early age that you will never be as good as so and so, or worse yet you are told you will end up just like so and so….and you see that so and so has a really rough life and is living life just getting by or worse yet gets themselves into relationships that are dysfunctional (not working as they were intended) and codependent (putting everyone else’s needs above yourself even to the point of allowing abuse: verbal, emotional, physical, and or sexual) at their very core.

Because these words were spoken over you, usually by an adult or authority figure, you start to believe these words especially when they are coupled with actions or lack of actions that would otherwise prove those words false.

So you grow up believing this is all you are worth and to make matters worse you start allowing all aspects of your life and relationships to grow based upon this self defeating expectation that this is all you are worth.

How does one change especially if this is the only way you know how to “do life”?

Ask yourself this question:

What do I want my tomorrow to look like?

What new expectations do you want for yourself in light of who God says you are? Not man, not the world, but who God says you are?

God says you are WORTHY to be created by Him to do great things.

Ephesians 2:10 says: For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things He planned for us long ago.

So my question to you is if this is who God says we are and were created to do, then why do we stay in relationships that God truly is not a part of?

Why do we only see ourselves worthy of being a door mat?

Decide today to start seeing yourself with the same WORTH as God sees in you, and start using Gods standards before you allow yourself to get into another relationship or I can promise you one thing….you will end back up in a codependent, dysfunctional relationship.

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