Spewing venom doesn’t end well

In 1997 my marriage was over. The divorce papers were written and we were living in separate places, child support was set, and visitation decided.

But God…

Why do I feel compelled to write this blog?

I saw a Facebook post the other day and it was venom spewing from the mouth of a very hurt woman. Her venom was being spewed towards the other woman. Her other posts were being spewed at her now estranged husband.
My heart was breaking for not only this woman but the many others whose lives are being shattered. We think their lives are being shattered by divorce but in reality they are continuing to be shattered every single day by their lack of love and self respect for themselves.

As I read the words with my eyes, I was really reading it with my heart that has been healed from that same brokenness, we are human beings allowing actions of others to dictate our happiness.

I realize more and more that I am so thankful that social media was not around in 1997 when Rob and I were going through our junk. Many things were said to anyone who would listen. Many tears were cried into my pillow. Many songs were sung at the top of my lungs to stand on the promises of God. I wish I had only said things in private to my one friend.

I seriously believe that in my anger and hurt, I would have taken to social media because it is innate within us that “I don’t care who I hurt. I am hurting so someone else is also going to feel my pain”.

We allow anger to get the best of us.

We don’t control it, it controls us.

The challenge becomes when reconciliation is on the table, you realize that the words spewed in anger cannot be taken back. The words spewed in anger that were meant to sting, to lessen your pain, you cannot take back and now you realize you were just as involved in creating the pain.

Now why do I say also that this stems from a lack of love and self- respect for themselves. I have for many years dealt with the feeling of being unworthy. If you know me and my story, you know that my addiction was not drugs or alcohol but unhealthy relationships. Most also know that Rob’s and my relationship was not so healthy in the beginning.

If you add unhealthy relationships and a feeling of unworthiness, then you get a recipe for disaster and for satan to reek havoc in your life, especially if you are confessing to be a Christian. But because we were not in a right relationship with God we allowed satan to have control. There is no being on the fence with a relationship with God, satan owns the fence.

So as I come to the end of this post, my biggest prayer is that before you take not only to social media, but also “friends, church people, employees etc”, to spew your anger, remember that we are all humans. We all make mistakes. We are not perfect. And just because you are hurt does not make it right to defame or destroy someone else. I still can remember as we were trying to rebuild our lives, how Rob felt as we attempted to find a church and new friends that hadn’t heard about our dysfunction as I was talking to anyone who would listen, to make me out to be a better person than he.

Whats your little white pill?

As she walked down the long corridor, her hand naturally touched her hair. KiKi, her hairdresser had out done herself this time.

Jay started going through her mental checklist, but she could feel the stares.

Before making their grand entrance into the ball room, Jay turned to the mirror hanging on the wall and quickly took inventory.

Smile… check

Lipstick…. check

Running her hand down her dress she felt the strong hand of her husband on the small of her back. His push was a little firmer than usual.

Did he suspect anything, she thought?

He leaned in and with a whisper said, “Lets go, its showtime”.

Turning ever so elegantly she took his arm and started counting down the seconds till she could excuse herself to the restroom.

Clutching her little black bag, she could feel the prescription bottle. Jays whole body started to ache for that euphoric feeling that that little white pill would give her. Jay first had to fulfill her duties of the customary handshakes and hugs that were required of her as the wife of such a prestigious businessman.

How does one get here, when you have everything the world has to offer?

Maybe it was a simple surgery and they sent you home on medication. After the healing process started, you became afraid of any pain so you simply asked for more.

Its now 9 months after the surgery and you find that this little white pill has become your world.

You may attempt a day or two with out the little white pill… but then the demands of daily life, the demands of keeping up with schedules and events is just easier with a little white pill.

At least that is what your mind tells you. That is until your doctor suspects a problem and confronts you.

Your world comes crashing in when your doctor says no more.

You now find yourself the wife of a prestigious businessman, on the streets trying every avenue to find that little white pill.

You may think this is not your story because its not a “little white pill” that is your crutch to get through the day.

But ask yourself this; what “pill” or “alcohol” is it that I am using to get through the day?

Remember just becuase something maybe “legal” if it is being used to “get through the day” you need to seek help.

But remember the “pill, alcohol etc” is just a result of a deeper issue; so make sure you work all the way back to the root cause.

I have heard from many over the years as they sat across from me in an orange or black and white jumpsuit: “I can’t believe it had to get to here for God to get my attention”.

If the Church doors could speak

It was rainy and the weather was turning cold. As I sat in my warm vehicle, stopped at the light, my attention turned to the church across the road. My mind started to drift and all I heard was “what if the church doors could speak?”

What would they say.

“Ouch, why did you slam me so hard, what did I do to you?”

“Oh, I love it when she opens the door she never pushes too strong that it hurts my frame.”

No probably not. But what about these…

“Hey you… you… yeah you… you know I am speaking to you. You walk in here on Sunday morning all smug like you have no sin to be uncovered. I saw the way you left your wife and children in the vehicle to fend for themselves in this cold rain.”

“Hey go talk to that couple over there. Every week they are purposefully late. and leave before the last song is finished. They sit across the street wait for the doors to shut. Then they walk up, press out their outfits with their hands, she pats her face one last time to push back the tear stained blush and he takes 3 deep breaths before putting his hand on my handle. Please someone talk to them before its too late. They are hurting.”

Or what about….

“Hey ya’ll see that lady who snuck in… yeah her… the one who is looking at her phone so she won’t make eye contact with anyone. She’s been at my door all week crying. Look I even have a black streak from her makeup. Go talk to her, she really needs a friend.”

“Hey ya’ll you don’t know it but I do…there has been a group of people sleeping just outside my doors every night this week. One of them even came up to the steps and laid their head on my threshold. They were crying and wanted to know someone cared. They leave before anyone gets here in the morning. I heard them talking about your sign saying “they are welcome here” but then they said all ‘church folk’ are the same and they really don’t want them worshiping in the same building.”

If your church doors could speak what would they say to you this week.

Remember doing “relationship” ministry is hard.

Its messy.

You will… get mascara stained clothing… I PROMISE.

The Blessing of a Bad Day

June 28th was a B E A U ti-Ful day for a motorcycle ride. As we were ending the ride, still not quite sure what happened, but we ended up in the ditch, with a totaled motorcycle.

Even as I am writing this, I am reliving the scene and can feel the anxiety filling my body from my toes all the way up to my head. I can still see my husband laying in the ditch lifeless. I am screaming and screaming trying to get him to answer. I call 9-1-1. Rob is still lifeless. Finally, he starts to moan, my body just wants to scream, don’t leave me. The moans were so death like, I thought he was taking his last breaths.

Rob has a dislocated collar bone, a sprained shoulder and a concussion. I have bumps and bruises.

Fast forward to the last few weeks of a new normal for our lives

Because of Robs limited use of his arm (we find out later that he had tears in the muscles around his rotator cuff), I drive him a majority of the time. The concussion though, is another story. He is sleeping most of the days away. He can’t get on the computer to work. When we do think he is ready to venture out, he can’t even make it 1/2 a day without tiring. Up until this week, all evening outings were put on hold. And I become a full-time care giver.

This is just the physical aspects of what has happened.

Rob is not 100% yet, but he at least has better movement in his shoulder and his “smart butt” attitude is coming back.

The wreck 6 weeks ago, created another trauma in my life. The anxiety has been so great that it created a depression that was so heavy, that many times, I would want to cry, but my body wouldn’t let me because I needed to be strong.

My husband needed me to care for him.

I needed to stay strong, because my husband was in no shape to care for a wife who was losing it.

During a recent trip downtown Rob said, “I hope you are ok with walking down here, because I won’t be able to defend you if anything happens”.

I did not realize how much the reality of that statement along with the anxiety I was feeling started a spiral downward into a deep depression because I was NOT strong and I couldn’t do anything about it.

Now for the reason for my blog

Rob and I have talked about our deaths and what we would do if the other one died and we survived. I have always said, “well, I know where you would be, so I would be happy for you and I would NOT get remarried but throw myself in to the ministry and keep going”.
What God has shown me through this wreck is that I have not waited for Rob to die, to act as if he was. For many months God has been reminding me about how much I used to be the wife who kept the house clean, I was always cooking breakfast and bringing it to my husband in bed. Over the years, I have become a very focused person, which can be good and bad. Good in the business world, but bad because I have realized how much I get focused on the “busy-ness” of life that I have neglected my husband and his need to be appreciated and loved like I used to.

So God used a motorcycle wreck to show me how much I love my husband and how weak I am and there are things I need to change.

It’s All Your Fault

I have been in several meetings recently where abuse has been brought up in the conversation.

The conversations went something like this: “well, people who are in abusive situations just need to get out. And then they need to learn to not be a victim anymore.” They went on to say “well, they put themselves in that situation”.

If you know anything about me, you know that this made my blood boil.

I asked the question,”what about the child who was abused by an authority figure? Did they chose to be put in that situation? Did they have a choice where their parent or guardian took them?”

The answer is no. They didn’t have a choice and they couldn’t get out.

Victims of abuse usually grow up thinking that somehow the abuse was their fault and that they deserved it. This thinking came from words, but more importantly it came from lack of actions by a parent or authority figure.

The lack of actions could be in the form of phrases like “You know if you would just mind” “You know if you would just stop pushing their buttons” “You know if you would just……”

When these phrases are told to a child, by an adult, create a belief that “I did something to deserve the abuse”.

Listen up! If you are now an adult who was this child…The abuse was NOT your fault.

As an adult, be aware that you may find yourself living in this world of: I don’t deserve a good relationship. I deserve to be unhappy and depressed. Something is wrong with me. And for some, they do end up in abusive relationships.

I have just recently learned that I have allowed too many days to pass me by. I have been allowing these demons that say “it was my fault” to dictate my future. It was NOT my fault then, it is NOT my fault today. What is my fault though, is that I choose to stay in this mindset that “I’m a victim”.

Today I am an adult and I have a choice, do I stay in this dark place of victim-hood, or do I face it head on and say “today is a new day, I know the past happened and I cannot change that, but I can chose to not let it rob me of another day of joy.”

Are you that child, now a grown adult? Please do not let another day go by where your joy is stolen by the demons that say “it’s all your fault”.

What you get them with….

It is said that what you get them with, is what you will have to do to keep them.

This can be said about flashy church services, youth groups, or any type of business that deals with the public; but this also goes for relationships.

As you are trying out different relationships, remember this simple rule: what you do to catch them is what you will have to do to keep them.

Let’s talk about friendships first: if you change who you are so that someone or some group will ask you to join them, then just remember this simple rule: what you changed to be accepted by them is what you will need to continue to do to be continually accepted by them. You may think that the change is no big deal it could be as simple as liking a different type of music or food but in the long run, you will realize that it was not just about music or food, but it becomes about a core value.

What I really want to talk about though is the way women dress.

Women have a “dress code” for every event.

I don’t care event: sweat pants and a sweat shirt, no hair done or makeup.

I like these people event: jeans, pants nice shirt, do the hair and makeup

I really don’t care about what happens, I just want some action event: hair and makeup done up to the hilt, tight jeans (doesn’t matter if I have the body for it or not) and a tight low cut top….and oh yeah don’t forget the boots.

If you are looking for a relationship and you are dressed in tight jeans, low cut tops and boots….who do you really think you will attract?

I will tell you who you will attract. You will attract the men that only have one thing on their mind and I will tell you it’s NOT….to provide a stable home with 2.3 kids, white Pickett fence and a dog. It will be a one sided relationship built on sex and pleasure. And the first time you say “no” or decide you want something more or different; you will find yourself alone again and most likely pregnant or with an STD.

I recently lost a lot of weight and felt real good about myself. I found myself buying shirts that needed an undershirt. Instead of buying an undershirt that was modest, I bought one that should only have been worn by….well let’s just say…..I, a married woman should have only worn it at home for my husband, not out in public. I started getting convicted about my dress code and realized that, while there is nothing wrong with dressing pretty, I needed to dress modestly.

The first realization came when I was walking out of Home Depot with my husband and another man gave me a double look. This sparked a conversation about men and how they are visual beings. That day started me thinking about something as innocent as clothing can spark something that was never meant to be.

So ladies as you are looking through your wardrobe and starting with “New Years Resolutions”….let’s start by asking God is there something I need to change to be a better representation of what I profess?

The Weight of the Wedding Ring

Every morning before Rob gets ready for the day he weighs himself. This morning he had started to get ready for the day and had already taken off his wedding ring before remembering he had not weighed himself. He stopped, put on his wedding ring and weighed himself.

I laughed and said it’s just a ring why weigh yourself with it? Robs answer was actually very profound: ” yes I weigh myself with my wedding ring on. It’s a part of who I am.” He went on to say,”clothes can be changed, sometimes I have hair, sometimes I am bald, but this ring defines a part of who I am”. This profound answer then got me to thinking the rest of the day about the weight of the wedding ring.

Every day we get up and decide what to wear? Long sleeves, short sleeves, sweater, no sweater, jeans or shorts the list goes on and on….but the wedding ring…we do not choose whether to wear it based upon our outfit….it becomes a part of who we are or does it?

In today’s society marriage is not taken very seriously. It is entered into lightly if at all and for a majority of people they “try it on” before they actually say “I do”.

Marriage, for Rob and I, has been anything but perfect. Even though giving up would have been “easy”….and matter of fact many people who should be considered “pro-marriage”, thought we would never make it.

I remember like it was yesterday: I was upset and I did not “fight well”. Matter of fact instead wanting to fight these were my words: “Fine”, door slam, “you want a divorce, I’ll give you a divorce”. Then another door slam. Not once did Rob ever say he wanted a divorce, I just did not know what else to say.

That day was a defining day for me and our marriage. Rob’s next words were profound: “Meredith, next time you say those words, you had better pack your bags and keep walking”.

That day was the day I realized my threats were empty BUT I did not know how to express my feelings of hurt, so I would just blurt out words. It was also the day that I realized that WEDDING vows were to become a part of who you are, BUT in a day of dispensable marriages, couples saying “when it gets tough we will just quit” why do we wonder, where’s the traditional marriage vows being lived out…”until death do us part”.

So when your spouse puts the ring on your finger; remember it becomes a part of who you are.

It is not something that you change with the seasons or with the changing of an address….

Sex before Marriage

I have been thinking about this for a while and I felt the need to blog about it. Sex before Marriage and the stigma that comes with that especially in the realm of Church and Christianity.

I have been to many churches; even been kicked out of a couple… And the theme is: sex before marriage will create an issue in your marriage.

Not growing up in the church, not knowing how to study the Bible for myself; I relied on the church, pastors, and other people. This just added to the guilt and shame of being pregnant before marriage.

I accepted The Lord as my Savior in the late 90’s, but unfortunately even though I was very active in the church I still did not understand the implications of NOT reading and studying the Bible for myself.

From the pulpit we are hearing sermons about freedoms from addictions: sex, drug, alcohol, pornography, but what about the freedom to have a great marriage even though you had sex before marriage……can God forgive that?

I have been on a journey this holiday season to make this WHOLE HOLIDAY Season the best one yet. I have been doing soul searching and have realized that one of the items on my to do list was made very clear and that was to rekindle a love for my husband and our marriage.

Our marriage started on very rocky ground in 1985.

Me not being the Christian.

Rob professing to be the Christian, but not living like it.

Me being pregnant was somehow my fault.

Rob made $3.35/ hour and didn’t always get 40 hours.

To add to my shame and guilt we were on food stamps (when they were paper and you had to count them out), received government subsidized food that we picked up at a Church (peanut butter, cheese, pork and vegetables). Then to top it off the Church paid our bills more than once.

A Pastor even said to his wife “they will never make it” as we drove out their driveway to move back home for awhile.

Our marriage has never been normal or all it “could” by some peoples standards but part of that has to do with shame and guilt continued by marriage seminars and Sunday sermons about how taboo sex before marriage was and that you will not have a good marriage because of that fact. While I do believe sex before marriage is a sin, it is NOT the unforgivable sin and does NOT have to haunt you the rest of your life.

These last few years I have been studying the Bible for myself even writing studies that I wish I would have had when I was trying to figure out life as a new Christian.

Last Christmas was our first Christmas as empty nesters. This now meant it was just Rob and I and this had never been the case. After Christmas I realized that it was time to work even more on me and our marriage.

So this past year has been a year of intentionality of marriage.

Has it been easy? No.

Has it always been fun? NO.

But here are my takeaways
1) Just because things were done in your past does not mean they have to define the rest of your life.
2) I realized that I had become the “codependent” mother I teach about. I had spent the last 29 years taking care of everyone that I needed to, and still am on a journey to find me and not let my excuses become my realities.
3) And the biggie that I have learned just this last week: words hurt but I have 2 choices: a) learn from them

b) let them keep you in bondage
I have allowed the later to happen. Words or statements like ” your marriage will never be all that it can be because….you had sex before marriage”.

So if you are one of the many who did NOT wait to have sex before marriage and have had this shame and guilt over you; my prayer is that you will find that God’s forgiveness for sins included you having sex before marriage and that your marriage is what you make it.

And when you ask God to forgive you for your sins and make Him The Lord of your life…. God wipes your sins clean He does forgive you for all…. including sex before marriage but here is the clincher….You need to forgive YOU.

This was what was missing…. I had allowed the words spoken by man to hold more weight than Gods word.

If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. 1 John 1:9

If you need more information about forgiving yourself please email me at meredithsagekendall@gmail.com

Are you a Crown or a Cancer?

March 8, 2014

Today’s blog is just for women:

In Proverbs 12 it says:
A worthy wife is a crown for her husband, but a disgraceful woman is like cancer in his bones

Worthy, worthy of what? What is the definition of worthy? Honorable, valuable.

I think one of the challenges today is that “things”, are so attainable and easily thrown away that relationships start to become “things” also.

We also start looking for our self worth in things and what we have to offer.

There use to be a simpler time when women were admired for their inner beauty not their outer beauty. There was a time when wearing clothes that covered our bodies and not being out on the streets looking for love was admirable. There was a time when you waited for the guy to come around, and you did not throw yourself at them EVER. You didn’t go looking for it. There was a time, actually, when courting, was the norm. There was a time when being a virgin on your wedding night was the norm not the exception.

Why do we think today, that we can’t be like a woman of yesteryear? Why do we think that by walking the streets, searching the Internet,going to the clubs, posting pictures on websites in clothing that should have been outlawed, that we will get men worthy of us being a “crown”…. Instead of being a crown you will be a jewel he will add to his already filled crown of other women that meant nothing.

Why do we not see ourselves worthy to be a crown? Why have we let the world of advertising tell us that “unless you are this size” or “doing this in the world”, you are less than? Why do we think that as soon as the guy says hello we need to jump in bed with them? Why do we not see ourselves worthy of being that crown to our husband, key word husband….why do we worry that we will miss something if we settle down and start a life with just one man? Why do we think that our lives will be empty if we become a woman of a time gone by?

What would our relationships look like, what would our children learn if we became the women of yesteryear?

So my question is; are you a crown or a cancer?

And if you are not married, what are your actions teaching your children? And with your actions, are you going to catch the attention of a righteous, God-fearing, man?

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