Shut Up B*#ch

Mom, I don’t understand. Why did you smack me? Those are the words he calls you. Why can’t I call you that?

Mom. I don’t understand. I just said the words he said. You know that guy who you told us to call dad. You know the one who yelled from his car as he drove by with another girl in the car.

Mom, I don’t understand. Why am I now in time out for telling that woman to shut up? I just used the words you used when that other girl from the car started talking.

Mom, why am I locked in my room? Do I embarrass you when I tell people shut up? I’m just using the language I hear others use when they are talking to you and the language you repeat back.

Mom, knock it off, you’re embarrassing me. Don’t you know I am just practicing for when I grow up and get me a baby mama like you. You know the one; the one where I can tell her what to do, call her names and then when I show back up, she’ll let me in. I’ll do all those things to her you let me watch on TV. I’ll treat her the way your music teaches me to treat the babies mama. I’ll treat her just like all those guys treat you.

Mom, and dad, your kids are watching. They hear what you hear. They see what you see. They do what you do.

If you don’t think kids are watching you then why did Rodney Atkins write a country song about it? This song spent 4 weeks at the top of the county music chart and was song of the year in 2007. (https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rodney_Atkins)

Driving through town just my boy and me
With a happy meal in his booster seat
Knowing that he couldn’t have the toy
Till his nuggets were gone
A Green traffic light turned straight to red
I hit my breaks and mumbled under my breath
As fries went a flying and his orange drink covered his lap
Well then my four year old said a four letter word
That started with “s” and I was concerned
So I said son now where’d you learn to talk like that

Chorus one

He said I’ve been watching you dad, ain’t that cool
I’m your buckaroo, I wanna be like you
And eat all my food and grow as tall as you are
We got cowboy boots and camo pants
Yeah we’re just alike, hey ain’t we dad
I wanna do everything you do
So I’ve been watching you

(http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/r/rodney_atkins/watching_you.html)

Parenting is much more than having sex, and having an egg and sperm unite. It is a long term relationship with a child who is expecting you (the parent) to teach and train them to love, to serve, to become a productive member of society.

But just like everything in life, there are choices and consequences. Are you making the right choices? And if the answer is NO, then maybe you need to ask yourself this question:

Do I really want to be a parent?

If the answer is NO, then maybe you should call someone and make arrangements for someone else to raise your children. Because if you don’t, the streets will, and I can guarantee you won’t like those results.

If the answer is YES, I want to parent. Then decide today to get the help to make the much needed changes.

But for a lasting change the first call needs to be to Jesus. He needs to be the King, the Lord and the Savior of your life.

Surviving Church with PTSD and Anxiety

The last month or so I have left church with almost this panic attack, anxiety feeling.

My inner most being has said “suck it up cupcake, it’s church you are secure.”

Even as I am writing this the tears are flowing and the anxiety I feel is about a 9.5 on a 10 scale and I have been home from church for an hour.

I don’t like feeling like this~ the girl who loves serving~ who loves to teach~ is floundering trying to figure out how to get involved and subside this emotional roller coaster of anxiety and panic attacks.

As I talked with my amazing husband, we decided we would first try a different service time. The 9am service is not as packed and maybe the overflowing service has triggered something. So today we attended the 9am service. I did well, but as the service let out, and we were leaving the anxiety started to fill me again.

We head home,but first we need to stop at Kroger. My husband realizes that my arms are folded and I am walking with much more of a purpose. “I’m fine”, is my reply. All the while my inner being is saying: “as long as you don’t say much, keep busy, you won’t lose it.”

Yeah, I make it through Kroger. Now home. My husband comes over to me, wraps his loving arms around me and starts to pray, I start to cry.

I am so tired of feeling like this. This cloud. This anxiety. This very easy could become a dark depression if I let it.

So I sit down and start writing, the tears flowing as I pray “God, something’s gotta give, and I am afraid it’s going to be me.”

I start to let my mind wander.

These are the words I come up with:

The accident

The man who didn’t fit in

The bathroom

No more happy place

So the first word: Accident (totaling the motorcycle on June 28)

Adding additional Trauma to someone who already deals with PTSD, and their go to behavior is to stay busy so you don’t have to feel…is not a recipe for a beautiful wedding cake, but a recipe for disaster.

I have realized that growing up, when things were bad at home, I kept myself busy. I figured if I just locked myself in my room, the bad would happen, and I would just walk out when things were done blowing up. Again not a healthy way to cope with real life and feelings.

Second word was: Man who didn’t fit in

Right after the accident and right after the Chattanooga shootings, there was a gentleman who came to our church services. I did not recognize him. His clothing choices, did not fit the 90 degree weather we were having, and seeing we are in the suburbs, having this person being someone of the homeless population that I minister to in the Nashville area, wasn’t even on my radar. The whole service long my anxiety was heightened, again to the panic attack mode. I wasn’t even safe in the church building, was my thought.

During this time, I had started using a different set of bathrooms that were off the beaten path. There was never a waiting line before or after church. Here is where the issue was, this was the bathroom, in which right after the attack (January 2011) I found myself in when I started bleeding from my nose and it was so bad that we had to call the doctor to make sure everything was ok. So, now every time I walked into this bathroom, I immediately went back to that night, which went back to the attack.

And then my happy place.

My happy place was destroyed through words of discouragement.

So why did I write about this. First because my therapy is writing. It may not fix all my anxiety and panic attacks today but getting it out and verbalizing it allows for satan to not take up any more residence in my thoughts.

Secondly, I know I am not the only person who deals with PTSD, anxiety and panic attacks. Not everyone has such an amazing spouse who is in-tune to your feelings and can give you a safe place to think, vent and strategize. If you are that person who does not have a special someone where your feelings are safe, please do not let this anxiety, panic attacks become a deep dark depression please, please talk to someone. Don’t let it engulf you.

And thirdly, even though church is supposed to be a safe place, it can also hold a lot of triggers for people.
My question to myself is how am I going to work through this? How am I going to control it verses letting it control me?

You see having these issues don’t define you unless you give them permission to.

You Can’t Handle the TRUTH

The Lord has had me on this journey lately about Truth. His Truth. We live in a society where, be honest, being truthful is not required. We like what you have to offer, so we are willing to overlook the inaccuracies.

We have sayings like: “You can’t handle the truth.” or “The truth will hurt.” We also leave out portions of the conversation or story to make ourselves look better, all in the name of not wanting to hurt someone with the truth.

In Ephesians 5 it says: Let no one deceive you with empty words for because of such things Gods wrath comes on those who are disobedient. Therefore do not be partners with them. For you were once in darkness but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light (for the fruit of the Light consists in all goodness, righteousness and truth) and find out what pleases the Lord.

We like to stand on our pretty verses such as Psalms 37:4 Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.

or even Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

What we don’t care for much, is the meat that surrounds the fluff. The part of the chapter that says:

“Do not let the prophets and diviners among you deceive you. Do not listen to the dreams you encourage them to have. They are prophesying lies to you in my name. I have not sent them,” declares the Lord. This is what the Lord says: “When seventy years are completed for Babylon, I will come to you and fulfill my good promise to bring you back to this place. For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back from captivity. I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile.” Jeremiah 29: 8b-14 (NIV)

It takes time to learn to discern what the world is saying verses what God is saying, right?

It takes time to get to know the one who is speaking. We spend so much time in the world that we know its voice. But how much time do you spend listening for the voice of God? I saw a church sign yesterday that read,

” What if God listened to you, like you listen to Him?”

This got me thinking. Back in the day we would spend hours getting to know someone. We would talk, talk and talk some more. There was no texting and social media. There was “snail mail”, phone lines, bike rides, and lunch hours. We also would get to know the person, NOT so that we could get ahead in life, but because we truly wanted their friendship. We could even tell you what our best friends “love language” was.

Do you even know what your friends likes and dislikes are?

Today, we look at a social media page and decide if knowing this person is going to further my popularity or hurt me?

This whole conversation that I had during my quiet time with God today, then took me to a startling question: I wonder how many people decide to be a “Christian” because they don’t want Hell?

The truth of the matter is, just because you disobeyed, and you don’t want the consequence, doesn’t mean you will NOT have to deal with the consequences.

Jesus said “drop your nets, leave your boats, and follow me”.

He did not get out the Bible and read scriptures from Romans and ask for a prayer. He asked for a response that would require them to get up out of their boat and walk away from the “truth” that the world was offering. He told them to follow Him, the unknown rebel who was stirring up conflict where ever He went.

He did not promise comfort, popularity and security.

He did promise a life full of tough choices between all the things the world offers and a RELATIONSHIP with Him.

This is the same TRUTH He offers today. How will you respond?

It’s All Your Fault

I have been in several meetings recently where abuse has been brought up in the conversation.

The conversations went something like this: “well, people who are in abusive situations just need to get out. And then they need to learn to not be a victim anymore.” They went on to say “well, they put themselves in that situation”.

If you know anything about me, you know that this made my blood boil.

I asked the question,”what about the child who was abused by an authority figure? Did they chose to be put in that situation? Did they have a choice where their parent or guardian took them?”

The answer is no. They didn’t have a choice and they couldn’t get out.

Victims of abuse usually grow up thinking that somehow the abuse was their fault and that they deserved it. This thinking came from words, but more importantly it came from lack of actions by a parent or authority figure.

The lack of actions could be in the form of phrases like “You know if you would just mind” “You know if you would just stop pushing their buttons” “You know if you would just……”

When these phrases are told to a child, by an adult, create a belief that “I did something to deserve the abuse”.

Listen up! If you are now an adult who was this child…The abuse was NOT your fault.

As an adult, be aware that you may find yourself living in this world of: I don’t deserve a good relationship. I deserve to be unhappy and depressed. Something is wrong with me. And for some, they do end up in abusive relationships.

I have just recently learned that I have allowed too many days to pass me by. I have been allowing these demons that say “it was my fault” to dictate my future. It was NOT my fault then, it is NOT my fault today. What is my fault though, is that I choose to stay in this mindset that “I’m a victim”.

Today I am an adult and I have a choice, do I stay in this dark place of victim-hood, or do I face it head on and say “today is a new day, I know the past happened and I cannot change that, but I can chose to not let it rob me of another day of joy.”

Are you that child, now a grown adult? Please do not let another day go by where your joy is stolen by the demons that say “it’s all your fault”.

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